As if Oscar swag bags weren’t enough…

Now it’s Oscar Suites Week, that time of awards season when clothing designers, accessory and jewelry folks, and major beauty, hair and cosmetics companies take part in “Oscar retreats” or “Oscar lounges” held in swanky hotels, ritzy salons or private venues around Beverly Hills.

Oscar nominees, presenters, or after-partygoers are all invited to stop by and be pampered, rubbed, scrubbed, snipped, shaved, curled, painted, polished, primped and poked (think Botox) — during their stressful week. Then they’re given limo-loads of free stuff. Rough life, huh?

But according to the organizers, awards pampering/gifting suites serve a humanitarian Hollywood cause. Apparently, it’s very, very difficult for famous folks to shop in real stores or comfortably browse local malls. So Oscar suites that encourage stars to survey merchandise and take what they want is the only way they can comfortably shop.

Oh, please. That’s not shopping. Outside of Hollywood, that’s called looting.

Diamondshuff

But since people do care about what stars use and/or wear, here’s a far-from-complete list of Oscar suite activity planned for this week. Yes, I know I’m perpetuating the celeb/product obsession. But at least it gets some of these indefatigable PR gals to stop speed-dialing me. Until next year.

What: The Diamond Aquifer Retreat

Where: A mystical "serene spa" at the members-only SoHo House high in the Hollywood Hills.

What’s free: Therapeutic diamond treatments like diamond healing massages and facials, astrological readings (making Oscar predictions, natch), skinny models dripping with $70 million worth of diamonds and Diamond Information Center experts to explain all their precious stones.

Who: Early bird Felicity Huffman tried on a rose-cut ring ($275,000) for size. But a right hand diamond ring also caught her eye, maybe for an Oscar good luck charm. Apparently Hilary Swank and Cate Blanchett both wore diamond right hand rings to last year’s Oscars and both got little gold men. Slated to stop by: Terrence Howard, Teri Hatcher, Bennett Miller, Nicollette Sheridan, Michael Bolton, Jeremy Piven, Adrian Grenier, Natasha Henstridge, Tea Leoni, Brittany Murphy, Kate Walsh, and Rhona Mitra. Last year’s diamond lovers included Demi Moore, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Teri Hatcher.

Photo: "Transamerica" nominee Felicity Huffman shops for a diamond good luck charm at the Diamond Aquifer Oscar Suite at SoHo House.
(John Sciulli / WireImage)

More Oscar suite life stuff:

]]>What: The Luxury Lounge

Where: The Peninsula Hotel

What’s free: Cosabella underwear, Orlane Paris skin stuff, Solstice shades (Juicy Couture, Gucci, Dior, Armani, Marc Jacobs), Hearts on Fire diamonds, Mystic Tan, Oceanus watches, Klegg Electronics, Aquabar, Marc Anthony hair products and Rescue hand and foot treatments.

Who’s coming: Amy Adams, Marcia Gay Harden, Terrence Howard, Kerry Washington, Jennifer Finnegan, Kristen Bell. Past guests included: Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley, Matt Dillon, Felicity Huffman, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Shirley MacLaine, Robert Downey Jr., Debra Messing, James Gandolfini, Maria Bello, Paul Giamatti and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

What: Beauty and the Boudoir

Where: Frederic Fekkai’s Beverly Hills salon

What’s free: Frederic his very French self is doing Oscar pre-party hair styling on stars and the salon offers free blow-drys, mani-pedis, massages and eyebrow shaping for guests. Hot this year are Victoria’s Secret semipermanent Pout lashes for after-party eye-batting. Celeb makeup man Nick Barose — he does Mischa Barton, Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway — will leave with customized “touch-up” Oscar kits of VS Beauty Rush makeup. Guest will enjoy Centre Epiderme’s laser hair removal and photo-facials while Centre plastic surgeon David N. Sayah does free Botox and consults, no doubt asking, “What don’t you like about yourself?” Guests get gift certificates for Centre’s Prevage treatments. French designer Chantal Thomass will do custom VS lingerie, shapewear and support under Oscar gowns. And we all know how important support is at awards shows. Two words: Drew Barrymore.

Who: It’s hush-hush, but probably Dita Von Teese, Q’orianka Kilcher, Jordana Brewster and Lisa Edelstein. In the past: Keisha Castle-Hughesand Harvey Keitel, Kate Bosworth, Kerry Washington, Nicollette Sheridan, Mischa Barton, Rosario Dawson, Thora Birch, Elizabeth Banks, Tori Spelling, Karolina Kurkova, Joely Fisher, Kim Cattrall and Patricia Heaton

What: L’Oreal’s Exclusive Suite

Where: The Four Seasons Hotel

What’s free: L’Oréal’s beauty expert Collier Strong is doing appointment-only makeup on invited celebs for the week’s pre-Oscar parties and events. Guests of the suite get Lambertson Truex platinum clutch bags (with a Color of Hope lipstick). Not famous? You can buy one at the L’Oréal boutique in the Beverly Center for $150 (proceeds go to fight cancer). In the nearby Kodak/Kwiat Ultimate Luxury Suite: lots of swell gems to ogle, plus Kodak’s two technical Oscar statues on display (sorry, no touching). Celebs are given the first dual-lens Kodak EasyShare V570 digital camera, almost like the initial-engraved ones ($20,000) gifted to Oscar best actress nominees and host Jon Stewart.

Who: Sorry, no names released. But all the Oscar nominees have been invited and scads of them stay at the Four Seasons hotel so its within wander distance. Drew Barrymore, Mischa Barton and Mary Louise Parker are big L’Oréal fans, after getting their makeup touched up at the L’Oréal counter in the Golden Globes ladies lounge.

What: Revlon’s Luxe Life

Where: The L’Ermitage in Beverly Hills

What’s free: Revlon makeup artist Kristofer Buckle — he does Jennifer Connelly, Renée Zellweger and Lindsay Lohan — will do makeovers with Revlon’s ColorStay makeup and give out gobs of free face goop. J. Mendel designer Gilles Mendel will showcase his Oscar-ready gowns, beloved by Kate Beckinsale, Teri Hatcher, Mischa Barton and Laura Linney. Everyone gets free manicures and Graff jewelers, with a dazzling display of yellow diamonds, will give all the A-list stars a little box. Inside one is a pair of one-of-a-kind diamond earrings. Parlor games. Gosh, isn’t this just the best!

Who: Julianne Moore is confirmed. And maybe Allison Janney, Elizabeth Berkeley, Emmy Rossum and Garcelle Beauvais.

What: The Estée Lauder Luxury Beauty Spa Experience

When: A mobile spa will come to the nominees homes or hotels for several days prior to the Oscars.

What: A line-fighting laser facial by Jay Calvert and a brand new Power Correcting Patch that reduces eye wrinkles in 20 minutes. Lauder’s look specialist Paul Starr — he’s worked with Renée Zellweger, Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie, Meg Ryan and Kate Hudson — will be doing makeup. Hollywood hair stylist Richard Marin — he’s worked with Mira Sorvino, Lisa Kudrow and Courtney Cox-Arquette — will do hair.

Who: It’s a secret. But last year, Natalie Portman, Hilary Swank, Cate Blanchett, Virginia MadsenKate Winslet and were on the secret drive-by list. Follow that van!