There’s nothing like the MTV Video Music Awards for bad fashion guilty pleasure. And last night’s red carpet was littered with so many traffic-stopping disasters, it was hard to look away.

In case you weren’t glued to the set like I was, here’s a few highlights:

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I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP, MR AFFLECK.

Jennifer Lopez, clearly annoyed she didn’t land Diane Lane‘s juicy faded starlet role in her ex Ben Affleck‘s new noir "Hollywoodland," auditions anyway with a very impressive Norma Desmond impersonation.

Like they always say, it takes a faded starlet to know a faded starlet.

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ICONS WALK AMONG US

Christina Aguilera channels Jean Harlow!

Again.

This time she’s vamping it up in a Versace bronze chiffon halter gown platinum waves and (yawn) red lips.

When, oh when, is Miss Chris gonna grow out of the ’30s? I think I speak for many who are bored into a coma by her constant retro glamorama show.

Besides, now that she’s dropped a few El Bees, she could pull off a decent mid-’70s Cher.

Hey, she’s got the nose down.

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OKAY, SHE’S BEAUTIFUL

I’m not gonna rag on Petra Nemcova about her dreadful wrinkled sack dress and her Pochantas hairdo. Sadly, she’s proved she really can look good in a burlap bag.

But about her new beau? Sorry, he’s open season.

First Bruce Willis, now dorky James Blunt?

And ten bucks says Petra dumps him immediately after he immortalizes her in one of his sappy love songs. 

Any takers?

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CLUCK OFF

Okay, ignore Paris Hilton’s homage to Cyndi (Girls Just Want to Have Fun) Lauper with a white pouf dress and black ankle boots.

This is bigger news than a mere ’80s fashion flashback.

Drum roll, please.

Ladies and Gents, we finally have a  new champion in the Best Swan Imitation category.

Thanks to Paris’s amazing jutting chicken neck and the  bird’s nest on top of her head, she’s stolen Bjork‘s long held title, awarded to the Icelandic singer at the 2001 Oscars.

Wow. Seems like only yesterday. I still remember where I was when she dropped the egg on the carpet.

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CURL UP AND DYE

Blonde, black, blonde and back to brunette again.

Does Nicky Hilton have nothing better to do than change her hair color every other week?  Doesn’t she have a clothing line or something to keep her busy?

Trust me, Nick, you look better blonde so quit experimenting. And don’t listen to Paris’s hair color critiques. She’s just trying to Gas Light you.

And by the way, this bat-wing sleeved floaty Stevie Nicks number isn’t fooling anyone.

We’ve all heard the Kevin bun-in-the-oven rumors.

I guess if Nicky stops coloring her hair, we’ll know the rumors are true.

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JESSICA SUCKS

What’s that giant sucking noise? It’s not a Hoover, it’s Jessica Simpon responding to snarky criticism of her post-divorce pounds by sucking in her stomach and sticking her chest waaay out in an unspired skintight black minidress.

I.. am…. so…. not... fat!. Whew..

Wonder how long she can hold her breath before turning blue.

Guess we’ll find out, won’t we?

Photo Credits:
WireImage/Dimitrios Kambouris