Sure, it was only last week that we watched Rock of Love and saw Bret play out Heather on national television when he picked Jes over her and her massive 80’s hair. That doesn’t mean it’s too soon for a reunion show, though! Riki Rachtman, former host of the Headbanger’s Ball, is hosting tonight — so who can say no? OK, stick around anyway. Please?
We start with Riki theorizing that since Rock of Love was one of the most-watched shows in VH1’s history that Bret is a bigger star now than he ever was in ’80s, and Bret says the girls are what made the show huge. Which is true, but they only did so because of their amazing, train wreck glory. And the first girls we get a review of prove that. It’s the Barbie twins, Brandi C. and Kristia. You may remember them as the girls who declared that they were smarter when they pressed their boobs together. They come up to the stage dressed like extras in an old ZZ Top video circa 1983 and reveal their outfits are wedding dresses they made themselves, just in case Bret changes his mind. They also let us now that they missed each other so much that they drove across the country to become roommates and admit that though they brought a video camera to document their cross country road trip, they never figured out how to get it to record anything. I’m shocked. Aren’t you?
Next we get a montage of Rodeo and she comes to the stage wearing the hat Bret gave her. She admits that she fell for him on the show and that if things don’t work out with Bret and Jes, she would like a second chance. Bret admits that he only let her go because t was so obvious that she missed her kid, but that he always really liked her. They hug and the audience awwwws and a moment later Rodeo – I am not making this up – pulls out the organic barbecue sauce she’s put her name on and starts talking about her clothing line. Nicely done, lady, but you should have at least mentioned a website where people could buy this nonsense.
Sam is the subject of our next montage and when Riki calls her to the stage, he preferences it with a story about how mid season people told him to tell Bret he "better not break that poor girls heart." Sam admits that she came to the show looking for a mental connection, not a physical one and so she wasn’t prepared for him to be sleeping with Lacey every night or having threesomes with the other girls. Oh course, while she says this, the audience goes wild, as if we were not already aware that Lacey beeped Bret’s beep nightly. None of this is surprising. In fact, if the Rock of Love house had been populated with women like Sam, it would have been boring. The only thing that made Sam interesting, besides being as cute as a button, was how normal she was in the midst of the freak show.
Speaking of Freak shows, it’s time for Lacey. Riki asks her what it was like to have her parents and Heather’s parents present for the nastiest blow up of the season and she manages to completely avoid the question by answering "It’s not like I’m out there doing porn!" Which, what? Riki smacks her back with "No, but you were doing Bret" and she deflects that by saying that she is a 31 year old woman. Which I suppose implies she can whore herself out on a television show she wants, so there! She also declares that she was on the show to be a friend and ally to Bret and to expose the other girls as bad for him. Allies beep their friend’s beep? Wow, are MY friends ever getting gypped. My sparkling personality must make up for it.
To try and spice of the show, we get a montage of battle and they bring Dallas on stage to share the love seat with Lacey. She perches on the opposite end and refuses to make eye contact with the she-devil. Riki asks if she really hates animals and she serenely says no, she really hates Lacey. Lacey perks up and says she really wants to apologize for poking her in the forehead and leans over, placing her hand on Dallas’s back. Dallas says "Please don’t touch me" and still avoids eye contact, but Lacey won’t let it go – as usual – and says she has a gift for Dallas. Proving her eternal bad taste (as if the disturbingly short skirt hadn’t already done so) she pulls out a t-shirt she had made that says "Dallas Loves Michael Vick" on the front and "If there was an animal here right now, I would slit its throat" before informing Dallas that she could set her up with Mr. Vick if she wants. Dallas keeps her cool and merely responds "I don’t date black men."
Continuing with the discomfort, Riki brings up Brandi M., declaring her the girl his friends most wanted to party with. Brandi admits that sharing her hungover feelings with Lacey was the stupidest thing she ever did, but points out that even that still isn’t horrible as Lacey’s music video. She completes that attack by pantomiming what I suppose if Lacey’s music video, concluding by calling it gross. Lacey hits back by saying "here’s Brandi’s video" and then camera cuts away to the shocked expressions of the audience, so I guess Brandi is the one who is doing porn.
The most horrifying moment of the show comes when Riki mentions Lacey wrote a song about her experience in the house and I pray we are not going to be subjected to listening to her caterwauling. But, alas, he’s soon introducing her band and next thing I know, I am listening to her breathy, under pitch vocals while watching her compulsively rub her boobs. I put my TV on mute and pray for it to end soon and proving that VH1 is not run by idiots, they cut to commercial a mere moment later.
Wen we come back, Mia is called upon and though she doesn’t come to the stage, she does get in he beset jab at Lacey. She recounts her perspective of the day Lacey streaked, saying her initial reaction was "oh my god, vagina!" and finishing up with telling Lacey not to flash it unless it is well maintained. Amen, sister.
Heather is up next and I am guessing she got her extensions at the same place Bret got his. Lacey takes the time to admit that she does feel bad about how she spoke to Bret about Heather’s alleged lack of respect for her parents, adding that she also felt Heather hit below the belt in how she retaliated. Heather admits she felt bad about that too and they hug and make up before Lacey is – thank goodness – dismissed. Riki continues with Heather, asking her "What were you thinking?" in regards to getting Bret’s named tattooed on her. She goes off track announcing that people always say once you get one tattoo you want more and she has gotten more herself. She flips her hair up to reveal her new tattoo to Riki and there on the back of her neck is the word "sucks" right under "Bret" which would be very funny if it were real. But it is obviously fake and she quickly admits as much, which allows them to bring Bret out. He immediately hugs her and Riki points out the obvious by saying she’s obviously not as mad as she was the last time she saw him. She agrees and says she was angry because he hurt her. And Bret bewilders us all by saying seeing her mad was a turn on, because it proved she really cared. Adding further confusion, he continues that he felt she didn’t understand that they could have a great friendship and a sexual relationship. I have no idea what is going on anymore, and I don’t think anyone else does either.
It’s been 6 months since Bret and Jes saw each other and apparently that wasn’t long enough judging by the lackluster hug they share. Riki asks how Jes feels having just seen what passed between Bret and Heather and she launches off, saying that she feels bad for Heather because she wears her heart on her sleeve, which allows people to grab it, run with it and stomp on it. She just totally called Bret out, didn’t she? She instantly tries to soften it up a bit by turning to him and saying he didn’t exactly do all that, but neither did he handle Heather’s heart with much care. She then detours into saying that at the end of the show he didn’t even walk her to her hotel room, that Big John did that while Bret stayed in the limo. Bret counters that VH1 was freaking out that he had even left the set with her, since he was not supposed to do so and he thought it was big of him to take her as far as he did. In the end, she says that in retrospect, she thinks that he made the wrong decision (meaning she agrees with the rest of America, who think she is too good for him), and that she thinks he was possibly afraid of getting involved with someone like Heather, who honestly wanted a serious relationship with him.
And that is where the show ends. Abruptly and awkwardly, with no real resolution. Jes and Heather hug under the credits, but we don’t even get a final shot of the strange audience member who had Bret’s name painted on her belly. But at least we know Jes wizened up and went home alone.