A hearty "welcome back" to the hungover and hating life! Tonight, please join me as we unwrap a shiny gift from underneath the tree to find a delicious lump of coal. Last week, The Realists learned that they would never have to see any of these women again, making them true winners in my book.
The house alliances from last week have set like Jello, creating two groups: the Sincere Sexy Redheads, the Goal Driven Gals, Beauty is Skin Deep, and Hot and Not in one group; and the Dream Gals, the Goal Getters, the Daredevil Divas, and the Gifted Dolls in another. For clarity’s sake, let’s refer to the former as Team Evil, and the latter as Team Sunshine. Just for clarity. (But recapper!, I hear you cry. Aren’t there NINE pairs left? Where in heaven’s name are the Tomboy Queens? Where indeed, faithful reader. Where indeed. Maybe they make them sleep in the garage?)
Linnea tells both groups that the time has come for the evening gown competition, and that they must join "acclaimed" designer Nick Varius by the pool for an evening gown clinic. Seriously, this guy is so acclaimed that when I Google him I am gently asked if I mean "Neck Virus". The ladies strap themselves into their favorite mid-eighties prom dresses and await his guidance. After learning from Neck Virus that dresses with cutouts are perhaps bringing down the class level of this pageant a tad, the challenge is extended: the mothers have 30 minutes to choose new evening gowns for themselves and their daughters, and in a reverse of last week’s competition, the daughters aren’t allowed to challenge their mothers. Spanx fly as the moms race to glam up themselves and their girls. Angela of Beauty is Skin Deep, attempting to prove to the judges how sexy her dress is, pulls her train up and aside, giving all and sundry the Full Britney. Everyone is critiqued (too gently, really, most of the time) and Neck Virus pronounces the winner: it’s Hot and Not! Neck compares Christan to Elizabeth Taylor. The less said about that the better.
Back at Rancho Plastique, Team Evil listens in on Team Sunshine via intercom. Oddly, Team Evil seems to spend most of its time in the kitchen, despite the fact that none of them seem to ever avail themselves of any of its comestibles. Except Beauty is Skin Deep. Heh. Speaking of those two classy broads, Angela gets a few sips of White Zinfandel in her and decides to go upstairs and confront Team Sunshine, who are making lanyards, braiding each others’ hair and saving orphans from rampaging mountain lions. Angela screams at the assembled girls, calling them "fake" and several other, more bleepable things, before Hollis of the Dream Gals attempts to stop her with a well-placed bleep of her own. Angela directs her wrath at Hollis until mom Gina steps in to defend her little girl and remind Angela that, really, once you’ve shown your Lohan to everyone you can’t talk. Angela nearly decks Gina before Tamia and Jenileigh step in. (Honestly, I wouldn’t want to anger a woman with Jenileigh’s biceps either.) Mindy and her new kidney weep softly in a corner.
The next morning Linnea gives the ladies the details on the elimination challenge: each pair is going to take a headshot, styled and chosen by Mom. The pairs are judged on personal style, pose and composition of the photograph, and how well each mother showcased her team. This understandably worries the weird old Tomboy Queens, who are concerned that this challenge is going to be dependent on "outer beauty: it’s going to be very hard for us because that’s one of the critiques we’ve been getting all along from the judges." Well, know thyself, I always say. The mothers style the shoots and seem to mostly be way out of their depth. Onstage, the judges bring out one team at a time to see their final photo. The Sincere Sexy Redheads look like they’re about to fall into bed together, but their composition is praised. Beauty is Skin Deep look to me like a bad lesbian prom picture; Carson calls it a "snapshot" and them "random". The Goal Driven Gals don’t look like Amish hookers anymore to Carson, which….yay? He then follows up by saying that they look like goddesses, and Shanna and I agree that this is the biggest improvement from last week thus far. The Daredevil Divas think they look like fun, Carson thinks they look like conjoined twins, I call it a draw. The Dream Gals are just so cute and sweet and supportive of each other, it makes everyone want to hug. The Goal Getters are praised for their symmetry but Nicole’s butt just looks huge to me in this picture. Hot and Not are back with a new name! They’re the Blessed Beauties now, because in Christan’s words, "a lot of people have it worse than we do." Um, in life? Or in this pageant? We’ll never know! What we do know, however, is that their picture is great, and both women look beautiful. The Tomboy Queens weird their way out onto the stage and are confronted with a picture that actually takes Carson’s breath away. I mean, when Carson Kressley has no words? Oy. It’s stupendously bad. Pamela and Felicia look like they’re waiting for the guillotine, and like they can’t stand each other. It’s awkward and rigid and bad. Finally, the Gifted Dolls come out with a picture that makes Cynthia cry "oh no!" Shanna attempts a more tactful route with "do you feel like these dresses are flattering on either one of you?" and "why exactly did you choose a full-length photograph?"
All nine teams troop out onto the stage and three are called forward: the Blessed Beauties, the Tomboy Queens, and the Gifted Dolls. The Blessed Beauties win – again! – and the Tomboy Queens and the Gifted Dolls are at the bottom this week. The Tomboy Queens are asked to pick up the Bejeweled Shears of Death and then – to desash themselves! Shock! Awe! Don’t let the door hit their weird little butts on the way out!
Next week: SAILOR SUITS!!!!
But what did y’all think? Did this episode just make you all want to show your crotches? Didn’t you think that Pamela and Felicia would stick around a little longer just for sheer weirdness value?