OMG so far this is the best opening scene of a television show. Ever. There is more Hermes in Juliet’s closet than in an actual Hermes boutique. Patricia Field, and the product placement people of ABC, I salute you. Mia, her enormous pirate sleeves, and her amazing new Gucci hand/duffle bag trot into her brand-new office to be confronted by a topiary draped in sunglasses and – a gay! Mia has her very own Stanford Blatch! In this iteration his name is Grant, and he’s almost certainly about to be a Plot Point, so keep up.
While dropping off the younguns at school, Zoe is confronted by a smug stay-at-home mom unforgivably making eyes at Zoe’s husband Eric and, even more unforgivably, wearing a velour tracksuit. Meanwhile, Catilin is clumsily flirting with Alicia at a makeup pitch meeting, and Juliet and Davis are clumsily fighting with each other in therapy. Davis calls Juliet an "ice queen", which Mia agrees with in true Ling-like fashion. At lunch, Zoe busts out a "revenge sex spreadsheet", from which to pick Juliet’s future lover. Um, is there like a distribution list I can get on for that? Caitlin reveals that she has a date with Alicia. Mia admits that at Wellesley, girl-on-girl action is essentially a given, and Zoe fondly remembers her girlhood camp make-out buddy and her proficiency with…lanyards. Euphemism? Mia admires Caitlin’s ability to be on-trend and announces that "lesbians are the new babies." And really, I can’t argue with that.
Back at her office, Juliet struggles with calling her agreed-upon (and Google-tested) lover. She calls Caitlin for advice on one-night stands, and Caitlin calls upon her hair-and-makeup team to gussy Juliet up. If you’ve seen Juliet, you know that she doesn’t NEED gussying up, and she comes out in full Kim Cattrall drag. Seriously, she went from Grace Kelly to Grace Jones. I call foul. Caitlin secretly calls Juliet’s selected lover and schedules a date between him and Juliet. Back at the publishing house, Mia’s boss instructs her to fire Grant, who actually does call her on the sheer volume of her sleeves, making her realize that she can’t part with him. Zoe goes to pick up her kids from Velour Tracksuit, who has helped them to build a "Working Mommy" Build-a-Bear, complete with Bluetooth headset. The next night, with their spouses running late, Zoe’s husband Eric and Velour Tracksuit turn their parental playdate into something a little more…romantic. At least, she attempts to make it romantic, making him an offer of no-strings nooky any time he would like, but Zoe breaks up the key party. Tracksuit dangles the promise of an Architectural Digest cover in front of Eric if he’d be willing to…do…her kitchen.
The same plotline that we all loved so much on SATC is back! Alicia gets upset when a man approaches Caitlin in a club and references her slightly loose past. Wait, no: I didn’t like this when it happened to Samantha on Sex and the City, either. After meeting lover-boy Bobby for drinks, Juliet kisses him but is unsure that she’s able to take it further than that. While getting ready for bed, Eric and Zoe fight about whether or not it’s a good idea for him to take the Architectural Digest gig. At an art gallery, Mia gets sandbagged by Grant’s incompetence and by her own one-shouldered mink shrug. Mia fires Grant, who flames out in loud and spectacular fashion, embarassing her and landing her on Gawker. Mia decides to be nicer at work, taking her full-figured (thank you casting gods!) assistant under her wing. Juliet gets flowers from both of the men in her life. Caitlin admits to Alicia that she’s never had a successful relationship with anyone, of any gender, and that she’s really scared. And Zoe totally pulls the rug out from under Velour Tracksuit’s Havaianas by hiring a double-decker bus to take all of the kids and parents together on a field trip.
Next week: looks like Juliet decides to let her hair – and La Perlas – down.
What do you think, fellow shoppers? Have all you ladies ordered your "I’m a Mia" or "I’m a Caitlin" t-shirts? Aren’t you just exhausted with these gays and their maternity leave? Spill!