I’m all for irony, but when tonight’s Rock of Love 2 episode started off with a letter from Brett describing the girls as "sweet and classy" and then implored them to be "tough and sassy", I was just bewildered. As we well know the better descriptors would be "dumb and trashy" and maybe this would be the writer’s desperate attempt at some level of non-soul-crushing work by adding a sardonic dig into the show – but can you really use subtlety in words when you are writing about women who have more cc’s of silicon than points on their intelligence quotient?
Megan hopes that the challenge will not require "athleticness", while I hope it does not require nudity. The pixilated boxes bouncing around the screen give me a headache. The girls soon find out the challenge Brett has them facing is "Stroller Derby", because he wants a women who can protect his off spring. Are we talking about breeding already? I haven’t even popped the popcorn! It seems they will be broken into 3 teams of 4 girls each who will have to make it around the rink 3 times with as little damage to the plastic tyke as possible. "Dr. Franklin" (not an actual doctor, the screen tells us) will be standing by with advanced medical equipment (or, the same cart of random old computer crap refurbished to look like medical equipment they used last season to measure Brett’s levels of arousal. I think I’m going to be ill) to see how the baby faired at the end of their 3 laps. They will be chased by the LA Derby Dolls, of which Lacey (like the cart, also form last season, only not refurbished) is a member.
The segment features clip after clip of the girls falling, tripping, Lacey punching the baby in the face, the Dolls kicking and throwing the stroller around and at one point, even ripping off an arm. But it’s actually not very entertaining, and Lacey’s crazy is clearly under utilized. At the end of it all, the winning team is Angelique, Aubrey, Inna and Kristie Jo – who is the MVP. Kristie Jo will get a solo date while the other girls will get a group one, and I wonder if the prize was worth the bruises and scrapes. As the girls sit around the house and talk about the Derby, Megan tells Kristie Jo she was surprised her team didn’t do better since Catherine actually is a mother and Kristie Jo replies she may be a mom, but she can’t skate. This becomes the house drama.
There’s a lot of back and forth, but at the end of it all, Kristie Jo told Catherine that her team mates had said their loss was all her fault. Catherine got bent out of shape and confronted them, and they denied it – adding that Kristie Jo was the one who said she couldn’t skate. The fact that grown women are having this argument boggles my mind. But it ends with Megan dramatically telling Kristie Jo to not show her face without make up on because she’s freaky looking and ugly (which is way out of line and mean and untrue, but what can you expect? Nasty is as nasty does) and Kristie Jo locking herself in the bathroom and crying.
During all this, Brett is on his date with Inna, Aubrey and Angelique, wherein they apparently decided to reinforce the idea of "classy" form the top of the hour by having the date take place in a burlesque club that has closed it’s doors to allow them privacy and to get Brett’s dates to dance. I start to twitch at the thought of Angelique taking the stage. They watch the professional first and there’s a lot of high kicks and deep bends and sharp turns and not a whole lot of actual dancing. Inna goes next, after changing into a violet corset get-up that looks dreadful on her. Almost as dreadful as her dance, which Brett describes by saying "she sucks". The man has a way with words. Aubrey is next, and she actually manages some dancing, but also attempts the high kicks which are not so much high as awkward. Last is Angelique. Dear god. Even though she was told that dancers don’t get naked in burlesque, it’s only a few moments before her top is gone. When she gyrates out of the bottoms, while laying on the catwalk directly in front of Brett and the other girls, is when I think everyone starts to get really uncomfortable. No one more so than the club’s owner, who promptly asks them to leave. And then promptly pulls out the bleach to hose down the catwalk. And possibly his own eyes.
The next day is Kristie Jo’s date, which is left up to her discretion so she decides to stay at the house and cook a steak dinner for Brett and herself. It’s actually very sweet to see her earnestly chopping potatoes and cutting string beans. The VIPs have other ideas, though, and Destiny decides to use her VIP pass 15 minutes into their date. Which is just about the time that Kristie Jo is revealing to Brett that she has more than one previous marriage and is currently still legally married, though she has a restraining order and has filed divorce papers. Good timing, Destiny! However, Brett acts unsure, asking if she is sure she wants to use it now and telling her it’s "kinda weird" – but honoring the coupon anyway and sending Kristie Jo away for ten minutes.
Destiny straddles Brett at his chair and they make out, but the moment her 10 minutes are up, Kristie Jo tells her to beat it. 15 minutes later, Daisy comes to the table, saying she wants to use her coupon too. This time, however, Brett tells her it’s not a good time and she concedes and goes back into the house, allowing Brett to ask Kristie Jo what’s going on and why the girl’s don’t like her. She admits they aren’t getting along and that she’s exhausted and the house is driving her nuts – all of which sets him on edge. Especially when she starts to cry. Crying is bad on a first date, isn’t it?
When their date is over, Brett seeks Daisy out to spend some alone time with her too, which seems like a crock to me since she did something spiteful and still got what she was after. Also, she cries too. When she admits to Brett that she dreams about him and it’s soothes her. Which strikes me as very creepy, but he apparently doesn’"rt share my sentiment, as he immediately starts to make out with her.
When the elimination rolls around, I have no idea who is going home. They’ve tried to cut the episode to hint that Kristie Jo is in the running – and indeed she does end up n the bottom 3. However, the commercials that have aired for the last 35 minutes have already shown her still in the house, so there’s not a whole lot of suspense. Instead, Roxy is sent home – for not using her VIP pass, which made it seem like she was uninterested – and Angelique – who he says is let go because she’s a free spirit and he’s afraid of having his heart broken by someone like her, but I think it’s far more likely that he’s just afraid of her in general. I know I am!