I’m just not comfortable with the whole spoiler thing constantly.
When last we left our noble heroes, we discovered (in the classiest way possible) that Mike and Tanya did the deed. This week, we learned they engaged in finger painting, which, again, ew. There are things I don’t need to know.
It’s enough to almost (I said almost) make me sympathize with poor wee virginal Krista, who was shocked — shocked! — when roomie James indulged in a little sleep cuddling. Was he really asleep? If it was cuddling rather than outright groping, then probably. But alas, both Krista and I had to know what we were getting into — she had to suspect there would be groping and boinking, and I knew, on some level, that blogging this show would involve the slow, sad death of my soul. Sorry, Krista — we’re both getting what we deserve.
Krista is also appalled that sex is the only thing that anyone seems to talk about. You were expecting Paradise Hotel to host a scintillating book club? Perhaps daily discussions on the sociopolitical issues facing the youth of America? Hah!
Actually, I’d be thrilled if anyone could have an interesting conversation about sex — but no, it’s all half-formed, slurred proclamations about gameplay and betrayal and who likes who and who’s hot and… feh. It’s like junior high, but without the intellectualism or sense that 13-year-old hormone-ridden acne-farm adolescents bring to the table.
Anyway — our nominal party theme this week is Mardi Gras, which somehow requires body painting. Everyone finger-paints — not that way, you pervert — on someone not their roommate, and Johnny judges. Most notable: Mike manages to combine crude single entendre with schmaltzy sentimentality by painting a treasure trail on Lauren that leads to a heart, while Raheim does a half-assed job painting some tiger stripes on Charte, but they play it up with a leash and some shirt ripping. Johnny, of course, proclaims them joint winners.
There’s the usual, and by now boring, bumping and grinding at the party, but it’s what’s gong on at the edges that’s nominally interesting. Nate again prefers to spend his time discussing strategy on the margins, and James breaks it up because he wants to make out with Tadisha. He also tells TD that Lauren is his second choice, which shocks her because Raheim has dibs on her or something. TD and Charté discuss this development, and Lauren assumes, for some reason, that they’re talking about her. Why? No clue.
Lauren goes off to Raheim to be pissy, which is a state Raheim is intimately familiar with. Raheim and James fight a bit about liking the same girl and James possibly poaching his roommate and going for is alternate, and there is much drunken manly angst and yelling. If only it were at all interesting…
At the elimination ceremony, Johnny, who can’t be eliminated, goes last. That means he’ll effectively be choosing which guy to kick off, unless some of the other men decide to fight over a partner. They don’t — everyone goes with their current roommate — so Johnny gets to have a drawn-out moment of tension as he stalks the ladies. He chooses Charté thus eliminating Nate. I’m torn between being sorry Nate has to go, as he seemed like one of the few guys with a brain in his head, and being glad he’s eliminated, because at least now the show will just be annoying, as opposed to morbid and disrespectful of the dead.
Post elimination, there’s more jockeying for power, and Johnny proves he’s just brilliant by discussing top sekrit plans to eliminate people at the top of his lungs. Way to be stealthy, dude. Raheim is in his crosshairs, so Raheim and Mike immediately start bonding and scheming and oh god I really don’t care about any of these people.
- Krista decides to take a nap to recover from a restless night fending off James’ unconscious advances, and she’s appalled to discover that no one woke her up for lunch. How dare they! We were letting you sleep, Tanya says, and were going to make up a plate for you. No, it’s all a plot to disrespect and minimize me! Krista harrumphs. Whatever. After Lunchgate, Krista bitches that "I’m really starting to question these people now." Now? It took this long?
- James is pissy about Krista, and complains that (1) he can’t depend on her, and (2) she’s not even that hot and he doesn’t like her anyway so there. "I can’t put my eggs in that basket," he says. I’m unclear whether that means he can’t depend on her or if I need to run to the Urban Dictionary again. I decide I don’t want to know.
- The morning after the Mardi Gras party, one of the women moans "No more tequila." Yeah, right — like the producers are going to let anyone sober up.
- When James chooses to stay with Krista at the elimination ceremony, TD looks a wee bit disappointed. That almost qualifies as interesting.
- When Nate is kicked off, his closing interview is a wee bit creepy. He stares straight at the camera, not Amanda, as he answers her questions. Did they get to know the real you? Amanda asks. "No," Nate replies, "but I think after tonight, they’re all extremely curious to get to know me more." I’m not so sure about that.
Next week: A new girl! Virgins gone wild! Stupidity, angst and skankiness! What more could we ask?