In the beginning, twenty-four women of questionable emotional stability vied for the attention of First! International! Bachelor! Matt Grant. And then a higher power spake, and said "lo, for this show needs more drama, I give you Stacey." And ‘The Bachelor: London Calling’ was good. Until she and nine other women were ripped cruelly from Matt’s arms and tossed unceremoniously back into the elegant stretch limo from whence they came.
The first date box arrives at the house, and the "ladies" learn that half of them will be going on a runway-themed group date. The limo unloads at Smashbox Studios, where the girls learn that they are modeling in a fashion show. Holly literally moonwalks down the runway, while Ashlee pulls Matt up to dance with her, and Amanda trumps everyone by pulling her shirt off. After the show, Matt takes the 8 girls to a penthouse to party, and they attempt to pull him aside one by one, with unexpectedly crazy Michelle singing Matt a song she wrote him (biter! Ashlee did this LAST week!) And EEEEW Matt caresses Ashlee’s knee as she "hints" around for a kiss, which he obligingly provides, along with a rose. Back at the house, Marshana berates Ashlee for her forward behavior.
The other seven girls get a field trip to Vegas with Matt, with the prize for winning the most chips being 30 minutes alone with Matt at the end. In a HOTEL. This show is an ABC-sanctioned escort service. It’s absurd. Shayne bets all of her chips on the first try, while Robin decides not to gamble away any of her chips. Kelly wins the date, and drunkenly spills sorbet all over the tablecloth. Shayne (the actress, remember) reminds Matt that he has other girls "eyeing" for his attention, and breaks down over her feelings for Matt. Matt confessionals that Shayne is too much of a drama queen for him, and thank God the man has SOME sense. Upstairs in a suite, Robin sits on Matt’s lap playing piano, but Chelsea earns the rose, causing Shayne to lock her dramatic ass in the bathroom. Heretofore-unseen Amy talks her down off the hypothetical edge.
Back at the house, cocktails ensue, and Robin and Matt play make-believe and make out on the couch. Marshana takes it as a challenge, and asks Matt to dance. Without music! And with much batting of eyelashes! And he’s soooo not interested. Carri is apparently a church marketer SLASH opera singer and belts out an aria on the couch, while Amanda copes with her chronic hiccups. Shayne, sporting a headband of Blair Waldorfian proportions, pitches her less-dramatic side. The champagne keeps flowing, and the girls do some ill-advised dancing, including a near-lapdance from Marshana. But that pesky Chris Harrison insists upon calling a rose ceremony, and three women will be going home. I’m going to guess Amy, Kristine, and the darling Noelle, based solely on lack of screentime. But no! Wrong on all three counts. Please feel free to disregard anything I say from this point forward. Shayne gets the last rose, sending Erin H, irritating Michelle, and even more irritating Carri home. Lesson learned? Don’t sing to Matt, girls! Michelle proceeds to call her cat "the love of her life." Ohhh, she’s one of THOSE.
Next week: premieres! hot tubs! More crazy Shayne!
What did you lovely people think? Is Shayne emerging as this season’s villain? Why is Matt putting up with her tawdry white-girl weave? Maybe she just photographs poorly? Spill!