Get ready for sexually stilted farm comments, citified observations, cheesy elimination ceremonies and lots of tanned shirtlessness. The Bachelor goes bucolic with the premiere of Farmer Wants a Wife.
There’s a bumper crop of spoilers over yonder.
We first meet Matt, an evenly tanned 29-year-old who pensively shucks corn and is a decent catch by most standards. Not only is he educated, respectful and owns land, but he’s not half bad in the looks department. Oh sure, his ears stick out, but who’s looking at ears when we can do laundry on those washboard abs?
The local women in Portage Des Sioux (pop. 351) aren’t available: They either married their high school sweethearts or left town. Frankly, I don’t like people getting all up in my business, so I’d definitely be in the latter category. Oh and by the way, I learned that his state is "Meh ZOO ruh" not "Meh ZOO ree." See, already The CW has expanded my mind.
The ten women are actually more attractive on the show than they appeared in Zap2it’s Farmer Wants a Wife photogallery — except for Josie. They uniformly whine about the same thing: city men are shady and not ready to settle.
Some first impressions:
Ashley – In the spirit of sisterhood I’d like to sympathize since she’s been cheated on by every guy she’s dated, but frankly, after that many men, she needs to just get better judgment. Has she ever dated a nice guy, or is she only drawn to the bad boys?
Amanda – Looks eerily like Carla Gugino.
Brooke – Along with Lisa, she’s one of the requisite virgins. Dunno if this is a help or hindrance, but her starry-eyed crush is embarrassing.
Josie – She’s delusional in so many ways, especially when she considers herself a 10-plus. What does being confident have to do with being Republican? And why does she think a farmer’s wife goes to polo matches? She is the show’s obvious villainess.
The girls arrive by plane to be greeted by a schoolbus (yeah, no pimped-out Hummer limo for them). They’re visibly taken aback by the averageness of the driver, Jason, who assures them "I am not the farmer." Whew! We wouldn’t want them to embarrass themselves by having to reveal their shallowness so soon. When they finally catch sight of Matt, who arrives on his steed — a tractor — without a shirt, they’re much more appreciative and do their best construction worker impressions.
Next, they meet Matt’s mom Janet. It’s a smart move because she’s a self-professed city gal who married a farmer for love. The difference is that she didn’t get a reality show tracking her romantic exploits with nine other women. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Anyway, after a quick tour of the home they’re invading, we find even more reasons to hate Josie. Not only does she think it’s too old, but she is horrified that there are no maids and demands to know if they have a flushing toilet.
We kind of see where this is going when Stephanie is concerned that "flower or flannel print" furniture is not her style. Uhh, that’s the least of your worries, dear. Her city ways gets further highlighted when she steps in a cow patty with her high heels and is frightened of chickens because they’ll peck her eyes out. Much sqealing and wringing of hands occurs. Props to her for actually catching four chickens in the coop challenge, but in the end it was Kanisha who won immunity in a tie-breaker round. Oh, and Josie had zero since she doesn’t think running after chickens is ladylike. "I have the best legs here, so it doesn’t matter," she observes.
Fast-forward through a hayride in which we learn more about the girls, Matt’s penchant for going commando and the beginnings of a Josie-Kanisha clash.
This is possibly one of the best elimination ceremony shticks ever — or at least since Joe Schmo’s pearl necklace ceremony. The girls approach podiums with chicken coops on them and must feel around in the straw under their chicken for an egg. The egg is safety. The egg is love. The egg is life. Stephanie is egg-less. It’s really no surprise. I mean, the chickens would have hunted her down at some point. Better to end it this way.
What surprises the other girls, however, is that Josie’s safe. Matt explains his decision because she brings out stuff in the other girls. Okay, granted, but when he calls her "intelligent," I seriously question his intelligence. You know Josie was only cast for drama value because there is no way she will happily stay with this farmer given her weird standards. God forbid she sleeps with a guy who only makes $60 K. You know, people who always harp on "class" are generally the least classy ones.
It’s just astounding that she keeps referring to herself as a 5’10" "beauty." By what standard? Her parents must have done an excellent job instilling that level of delusional confidence in her. What’s more baffling is that apparently she has enjoyed relationships with financially well-off men. Well, money can’t buy you taste.
Ah, but there’s more to the episode after the elimination. Matt chooses Christa (not to be confused with Krista) to spend time on what amounts to a porch swing under a canopy. I don’t think she’s necessarily a match for Matt, but I’m a Christa fan. Not only was she the only one to wear sneakers instead of high heels off the plane, but she’s also a smart-mouthed "Drinky Drinkerton" and uttered my favorite lines in the episode:
"I didn’t think people actually woke up to roosters and not alarm clocks. Like, it’s for real. Roosters are real."
Afterwards, he and Christa share a few chaste pecks, and a good time was had by all, even the girls (Brooke, Lisa and Amanda) that TP’d his truck.
How soon do you think he’ll go into Bachelor mode and start making out hot and heavy with all the girls? Is Matt worth the effort? Do you hate Josie? Who are you rooting for? Bingo anybody?