Previously! on ‘The Bachelor: London Calling’: Matt kissed everyone, jealousies (and, let’s be honest, probably a herpe or two) flared, and Shayne bugged the living crap out of everyone. Even Matt! But he still wants to sleep with her. Sigh.
This week includes a group date, a solo date, and a brutal sudden-death-elimination double date. Ashlee, Shayne, Kelly, Chelsea, Noelle and Robin’s date involves tennis rackets and tea cups. The girls take on Matt on the tennis court, where he has trouble keeping his hands off Chelsea. Ashlee has trouble understanding the phrase "taking it in stride", but Matt is too distracted by her sub-Jewel vocal stylings to notice. Matt kisses Ashlee. The ladies take tea overlooking a lake, where Robin infuriates the other girls with her incessant babble about tea. She steals Matt away for a private chat, after which the other girls castigate Robin for her competitive nature, bringing her to tears. But in the end, looking good in athletic apparel trumps a knowledge of tea, and Chelsea wins the rose.
Back at the house, the date box reveals that Amanda is going on the solo date with Matt. Which means, of course, that either Marshana or Holly will be going home at the end of their joint date. Oh, the drama! Amanda gets her hiccups from her nerves over her solo date with Matt. The two take a vintage roadster to a 50’s diner and indulge in some french fries and dancing. Amanda honestly seems too awkward to live sometimes, but it’s a nice change from the slurry slutting of the Shaynes of the competition. Apparently it’s a nice change for Matt as well, as he gives her a rose. Matt kisses Amanda (that’s two, for those of you who are keeping count.) They take a ferris wheel ride overlooking Los Angeles.
Marshana and Holly learn that their date will involve cooking, and that they both will be packing their bags…but only one can return to the house. That’s really brutal, producers. Holly and Marshana both feel that Marshana is heading into the date as the underdog, as Holly has already had a solo date and kiss with Matt. Over dinner, both girls profess to wanting to move to London to be with their bachelor. He pulls Marshana aside for some one-on-one time and kisses her. That’s three! While cuddling with Matt on a bed, Holly tells him how strong her feelings are for him. And he kisses her! Four! Matt agonizes (uh huh) over his decision before giving the rose to Marshana. Wait, what? Seriously? Oy, and he tells Holly that he found conversation "difficult" with her. OUCH.
Matt arrives at the house to whittle the group down by another two women. Matt asks Ashlee whether she would give up her music for him, and she says "eh, um, we could make something work, maybe?" And sweet Noelle gets some solo time with Matt! Hooray! She reminds me of Amy Acker. However, she doesn’t seem to make much of an impression on Matt. Kelly is starting to get really defensive and emotional about the fact that she hasn’t gotten a rose. So she decides to show Matt her breasts. She is so, so drunk. She’s the Shayne of this episode. Oh, except for the fact that Shayne wants to be the Shayne of this episode! She tells him to hurry up and send the other girls home already. He responds to her endless whining by kissing her. That’s five! Chris enters to speed along the process. This week’s scientific guess: Noelle and Kelly are going home. But! Sweet little Noelle once again flies under the radar and gets the rose! Annoying Ashlee will be accompanying Kelly home. Whoo hoo! Kelly drunkenly rambles about how hot she is. Yes, dear. We also believe you’re 24 years old. Ashlee, for her part, sobs through the song she wrote for Matt at the first date. It’s as tuneful as you would expect.
Next week: skiing! Horse-drawn carriages! Dramatic hand gestures!
What did you think, my desperate little divas and divettes? (Divos?) Did Kelly turn into that really sad older woman at the end of the bar at last call? Were you really, really hoping Marshana would go home? Cause I was! Spill!