Tonight’s two-hour finale of Desperate Housewives was jam-packed with conflicts, resolutions, and the welcome return of our favorite gay neighbors. Oh, and a big fat flash-forward to the future. However, I feel that it’s misleading for ABC to advertise it as a two-hour finale, since it was clearly two separate episodes stuck together. I mean, I liked ’em and all, but my notes are, like, five pages long! It’s hard out there for a recapper. And with that, let’s dive right in…
Lynette: Children’s Protective Services have come to investigate Lynette, which was honestly just a matter of time, Kayla or no. After Kayla intentionally burns herself and gets Lynette arrested, someone finally has the brilliant idea of tape recording her psychopathic rants. Or close enough, anyway – Tom has the child psychologist on the phone while Kayla admits that she made everything up so that they wouldn’t have to live with Lynette. The psychotic brat is sent packing to her grandparents’, and Lynette is free to go back to being a terrible mother to her natural children. Huzzah!
Susan: Somehow forgetting that middle names exist for situations such as this, Susan and Mike name their baby Maynard, after Mike’s dead grandfather. MAYNARD. Best line ever courtesy of Lynette, when Susan breaks the news to the other housewives: "How did [Mike’s grandfather] die? Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?"
Gabby: Gabby fakes an affair with a policeman disguised as a handyman so that Ellie won’t find out about the sting operation (didja follow that?), and then gets pissed at Ellie for spilling the beans to Carlos. And I have to say, I loved the scene where Carlos confronts Gabby about the "affair," and she’s all nonchalant until she realizes that he actually thinks she’s having an affair. And even then, she’s not too understanding. Ellie tells Gabby a heart wrenching story involving her tragic childhood and a cheating mom, ending with a teary confession of love for Gabby and Carlos. Remember this moment, because it’s the high point of their relationship. Gabby, moved by her story, gets Ellie out of the house right as the police arrest her drug supplier. Because apparently, the police suck at staking out back doors.
Bree: Oh, Bree. Only you could accidentally lead a reverend on in an attempt to get your ex-husband to leave you alone, causing the reverend to almost give a sermon on what a hussy you are. Awesome. After Orson’s fight with said reverend lands him in the hospital, Bree tells the staff to take care of him, though she leaves without visiting him. It’s super sweet. I love those two more every day.
Bob and Lee: The gays are back, and they’re having a commitment ceremony! (Too bad this show isn’t set in California, or they could get married for real!) With Katherine and Bree planning the catering (at a firing range, natch), it seems certain to be a ceremony to remember, one way or the other.
Katherine: Adam’s back too, now that he’s heard that Wayne’s hanging around. He and Katherine plan on smuggling Dylan out of the country on a graduation trip and never returning, but Wayne kidnaps Adam before they get a chance to leave. It’s just as well, I bet Katherine would be really stressful to travel with. And with that, we’re on to…
Katherine: Hoo, boy, here we go… The History of Katherine. Are you ready? ‘Cause it’s a doozy! I’m just gonna spill it all here, though they give it out in drips and drabs during the episode. Back in the day, Katherine tried to press charges on Wayne for beating her up, but found the police force unsympathetic toward arresting one of their own. Thus, Katherine ran away with Dylan instead, and wound up staying with Aunt Lily. However, Wayne managed to catch up with them, bringing Dylan a doll and trying to force his way back into their lives. The confrontation got physical, and Katherine clocked him with a candlestick.
He left, but later that night Aunt Lily discovered Dylan crushed under a bookshelf, which she had pulled down trying to get to the doll that Wayne had brought her. Convinced that she couldn’t go to the police because Wayne would blame her, saying she killed Dylan to keep him away from her, Katherine and Aunt Lily buried Dylan in the woods. And this is where it gets a bit hazy for me. She knew that he wouldn’t stop looking for Dylan, so Katherine went out and got herself a look-a-like at a Romanian orphanage.
Okay, wait. So…she was planning on running again, but didn’t want him to find her without Dylan because he’d turn her in? Is that it? Because it seems like she just got another child for him to threaten. And while I understand that the new Dylan has no memories of Wisteria Lane, how could she have no memories about the orphanage, either? And why did Aunt Lily’s note say something about Katherine killing Wayne, and make Adam so mad? Am I missing something, there? Anyway, Katherine told Adam that it was Wayne’s fault the original Dylan died, and raised the new Dylan as her own. And that’s the story!
Back to current time, Katherine tries to report that Adam’s been kidnapped by Wayne, but again, the fuzz aren’t exactly understanding. So again, she tries to run away with Dylan. Dylan demands an explanation, though, and when Katherine tells her the full story (presumably – we’re out of earshot), Dylan freaks out and runs. In the meantime, Wayne is beating Adam to a bloody pulp to get information on where the real Dylan is (which must be confusing to Adam, since Katherine supposedly blamed Wayne for her death, right?). He gets nowhere, though, and shows up at Katherine’s, holding her hostage and threatening to hurt Dylan 2.0 if Katherine doesn’t spill the beans on the real Dylan’s fate. Adam steals a car and heads to the rescue, but before he can get there Ellie runs in, hiding from the police. Wayne shoots her so that he can claim she and Katherine killed each other after he kills the latter. Aww, I liked Ellie!
And because Katherine’s place is such a fun fest, Bree heads over there too, wanting to talk to Katherine. Once Wayne threatens to shoot Bree, Katherine tells the whole crazy story of the Dylans, enraging Wayne. Luckily, Adam gets there just in time, incapacitating Wayne long enough for Katherine to shoot him while Adam’s and Bree’s backs are turned. Whoops. Honestly, I can’t blame her. In an awesome show of support, the housewives come together to prove to the police that it was self-defense, and Dylan shows up for hugs and an apology just as Katherine is headed to the hospital. And just like that, Katherine is part of the gang. Aww. You know, that was a pretty awesome mystery, despite the few remaining question marks. Dana Delany totally made this season what it was. Well-played, casting director.
Other random happenings:
Bree ends up executing the commitment ceremony by herself, with "volunteer" help from all her friends. Orson offers to help with place cards, which leads to my favorite line of the episode: "Don’t you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I’m at a low point!" In the end (after an ice sculpture rescue, don’t ask), she seems to be softening to him, though she’s still stuck on that whole "turn yourself in to the police and I’ll forgive you" thing. Can’t those two crazy kids just work it out?
Gabby discovers a giant pile of cash belonging to Ellie, which she promptly steals. Ellie comes after it, Gabby calls the police (because apparently, she’s not aware that stealing is still a crime if you’re stealing from a drug dealer), and Ellie ends up picking the wrong house to hide in (see above). So…Gabby and Carlos get to keep the money, I guess. And they don’t seem as worried about the tax/accounting implications as they should be, given Carlos’s past. I mean, I don’t think the police would hesitate to arrest an ex-convict just because he’s blind.
Tom, with a very sweet and moving speech about love and marriage, single-handedly saves Bob and Lee’s relationship. And possibly his and Lynette’s.
Julie’s still alive! And she got into Princeton! She’s doing a summer internship, beginning immediately, and Susan has a bit of trouble cutting the umbilical cord and letting her go. She caves eventually, and a sentimental talk about their relationship, and how much Susan needs Julie, follows. It’s all pretty pointless.
Finally and most importantly, we end the episode several years into the future! Gabby has a couple of kids (I’m not great at this, but I’m gonna guess somewhere in the 4-6 years old range?), but we don’t actually see Carlos. Bree’s some sort of cookbook semi-celebrity, with Andrew as her manager, and is back together with Orson (yay!). In totally unsurprising news, Lynette’s kids are totally juvenile delinquents (but she’s still together with Tom). Katherine’s still in the picture (yay again), and Dylan is getting married. And finally, Susan is with some random guy, not Mike! Bananas! I had heard that this would be happening, but wow, that’s some plot twist! Too bad One Tree Hill did it first…
Phew, so that’s our season! Started off strong, and then faltered a bit in the middle, but it definitely ended on a high note. Here’s hoping that next season features lots of Katherine and Bree, smaller doses of Gabby, and very, very little Susan and Lynette. Because for some reason, the writers just don’t seem able to make those two bearable. I’ll be intrigued to see what the new mystery is, since they didn’t set it up at all (that I could see) tonight. If you actually managed to finish this novel-length recap (seriously, this two-hour finale business is killing me), thanks for reading, and see ya next season!
How did you like the mystery’s resolution? Are you looking forward to next season?