It’s another week, another batch of roses on The Bachelorette. But the big question for me is: Do we have to start every ep with a reminder of how Brad broke DeAnna’s heart on national TV?
Chris Harrison welcomes the guys to the big mansion and lays down some of the rules. On each individual date, if you don’t get a rose, you go home. They’ll find out which person goes on a date as the cards arrive.
Also, they won’t be living in said mansion – that’s for DeAnna – they’ll be living in the guest house. But each week, three suitors will be allowed to live with DeAnna and this week it’ll be Jeremy, Jesse and Richard, the rose winners from the party. As Barbershop Owner Ron says, "I guess all this first impression stuff matters." Duh.
DeAnna explains that such an "intimate" living situation will help her get to know the guys better and is the best way for her to find love. Though I wonder if she’ll at least get a little bit of touch-up from the make-up department before she makes her first appearance to the guys.
Lawyer Fred calls the walk to the guest house "The Walk of Shame" since it’s so far away from the Mansion. Deanna shows The First Three around as the rest of the dudes evaluate their living situation. They have to sleep on bunk beds while the House Boys get beds. The House Boys have fancy showers while the Backyard Boys have a single showerhead out in the open – kind of like those ones at the beach. Poor suckers. It’s like they’re camping. At least the toilet is indoors.
The House Boys walk down to the Outhouse to read the first Date Card, which Jesse explains to must be read in front of everyone. Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred, and House Boy Richard will all be going on the first date. It says "Do you believe in magic?" I’m not sure but I do believe this show is devouring a small piece of my soul.
DeAnna’s really excited because this is the first date she’s been on since Brad. That’s so unfortunate. I can’t really tell these occasionally smarmy gentlemen apart at this point (is it just me or do most of these guys look the same?) but two of them decide to stick their heads out of the window and shout, which surprises DeAnna. They must’ve cut the footage of her rolling her eyes.
The date is at the famous Magic Castle in Hollywood, one of the coolest places ever. A confessional statement of wanting to make the other suitors disappear is made by Pro Football Player Ryan, something that was inevitable. Do you think the producers scripted that and picked the best reading?
They go to a private room and a familiar looking magician comes out and does tricks. He gives Jason the bird, an actual bird, and brings DeAnna up to assist him. She picks Jason to be the secondary assistant, who passes the bird to Ryan. They get in a box and…they disappear – much to the chagrin of the other suitors who sit in stunned, horrified silence as the magician leaves and Ryan still holds the bird.
DeAnna and Account Exec Jason chit chat as the rest of the guys talk about whether or not she’s ready to get some smoochies on. Jason brings up the kids thing already, which is smart as that’s an important thing to be on the same page. But he feels like it didn’t go as well as he would’ve liked, that she didn’t get to know the real him, because he didn’t open up about his son. Which I can understand since people with kids often get immediately disqualified from dating consideration.
Back at the Mansion, remaining House Boys Jeremy and Jesse bring a Date Box to the Outhouse to open with the other dudes. Inside is a note inviting Graham on a one-on-one date to the shore. He’s much cuter on profile to me.
Next to get alone time with DeAnna is Martial Arts Master Sean (aka 10-cent Michael Dudikoff) and his sweet Kentucky waterfall hair. First glance, there’s something mildly creepy about him but that could just be the hair. And the seemingly shiny suit. He decides to bare his soul to her and, as he starts talking, the piano starts playing by itself, mocking him. Poor thing. His time totally got ruined. Hilariously, during his confessional, the piano mocks him again. He could always roundhouse kick it into submission.
Another magician does some card tricks and has DeAnna pick a card – it has a rose on it and she’ll be giving that to her favorite suitor of the night. Some of the guys did some tricks – Sean cracks his knuckles, Ryan does a card trick and Twilley puts on a play, a quasi-Greek fable. And it went on and on and on and oooooooooon.
House Boy/Science Teacher Richard pulls her aside for some alone time and makes her a paper flower, which is sweet and she was totally into. Back in the room, the rest of the dudes call Twilley out on whether or not his intentions are pure/if he’s genuine. Ryan really doesn’t like him which bumps Ryan up my list of favorites. Ryan gets his one-on-one time with DeAnna and makes a good impression. He talks about how he prides himself on being the "exception to the rule" and doesn’t do things just because, she somewhat jokingly says she’s afraid she’ll corrupt him. He’s states in confessional that he’s a virgin and that sometimes his faith can be overwhelming to people. As Ryan tells DeAnna that he won’t force things and would never interrupt her time with another guy, in walks Paul and Fred to steal her away. D-bags. But Ryan thinks it went well and is confident he’ll get a rose.
Canadian Paul, the youngest in the house at 23, really wants to let her know that he’s definitely ready to settle down and once he’s married, that’s it. He’s stoked to learn that her 5-year plan is like his – married with a kid and another on the way. And dual citizenship. I added that last part. Fred didn’t get much screen time so I wonder if he made much of an impression.
Reunited with the other guys, the second magician returns and makes a real rose appear from the card and she gives it to Canadian Paul, much to everyones disappointment – Ryan’s most of all.
The next morning, Canadian Paul takes a cold, cold shower as Pro Basketball Player Graham gets ready for his date. He and DeAnna take off and she states in confessional that if he doesn’t live up to her expectations, she’ll be terribly disappointed. They try to fly a kite and it doesn’t go well. Neither does the date to a point when they start talking about previous relationships. He’s never really been in a serious relationship and, at 29, that doesn’t sit well with Lady D.
Back at the Mansion, the House Boys bring a Date Box for Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy, and Eric – "A diamond is a girl’s best friend. Step up to the plate!" They’re all excited because it’s clearly a baseball themed excursion. When Jesse asks if they think Graham is getting a rose, everyone boos.
Back at the beach, DeAnna tells Graham that she doesn’t want someone who doesn’t know what they want – Brad being that type of man. Graham assures her that he hopes that they can be in love and smoothly diffuses a somewhat tense situation by getting her to snuggle up to him ("If I can’t get you to sit close to me on the beach by a fire, then we’re in trouble.").
Cut to the Mansion as the rest of the dudes talk about sex where Ryan drops the v-bomb which elicits some silence. He explains himself, but not condescendingly or judgmentally, and earns extra big bonus points. I really do like him.
Meanwhile, Graham dodged a bullet as DeAnna gives him a rose and…smoochies! At first I thought she was going to toss it into the fire.
Twilley gets concerned that DeAnna has the same doubts of his sincerity as Ryan and the other guys and Jason (I think) encourages him to go talk to her. Though he could’ve picked a better time than when she and Graham returned from their date. He watches as they say goodbye (Graham kisses her on the cheek). Stalker much? This is either brilliant on Twilley’s part or Jason’s, who essentially coerced him into potentially submarining himself.
While Graham gets grilled by the other dudes, Twilley throws himself at the dubious feet of DeAnna. I don’t think it went well. But Graham let is slip that they kissed which may end up backfiring on him.
And there’s still another hour to go, people.
So the participants of Group Date 2 have gathered in an environmentally unfriendly stretch hummer limo and are en route to their secret date location. Robert is wearing a pink polo shirt with the collar raised up. Ugh. To me, that’s one of the official looks of the d-bag. The only guys I’ve ever seen wear that and not look jerky are gay. Sitting next to him is Texas Brian who has dimples and I’ve decided is very cute. I’m sure being to the left of Senior Douche helps.
They arrive at Dodger Stadium and get to walk on the field. Enter the legendary Tommy Lasorda which really wigs out the guys. It’s like meeting Zeus. Mr. Lasorda hands out jerseys and gives the guys a pep talk about winning DeAnna over. He picks Medical Sales Chris to sing the National Anthem. And it is muy painful. It’s bad and he messes up the words but big ups for just letting it fly. Embarrassing.
To determine who gets one-on-one time, they have a home run derby – 10 pitches – while Tommy stands behind the batting cage and coaches. No pressure there. Barber Shop Ron goes first and gets 2. Boston Eric goes next and gets nothing. Chef Robert le D-Bag is up and does so bad that Tommy actually comes over and gives physical pointers. He’s so bad that Tommy is cussing up a storm. And, to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he deserves his d-bag card, he confessionals that he wishes this was a challenge that was more in his realm of expertise – "the kitchen, the dance floor…the bedroom." Double ugh. He gets nothing. And no home runs either.
Texas Brian goes up and gets 2, but connects on a lot of balls. House Boy/Pro Snowboarder Jesse gets one good hit while fellow House Boy Jeremy, after being told to believe, gets 6 homers. Wow. And this is after saying he hasn’t swung a bat in years. Chris, who was in the minor leagues, is up seventh and needs 7 homers to get the date. But he was a pitcher so he connects on all the balls but gets nothing.
Clearly Jeremy wins and they go off for their QT times. He admits that he’s a little shy around her but opens up. DeAnna asks about his parents and, sadly, both have passed away – his dad most recently. It’s very emotional for him, especially because his dad was his baseball coach so the setting really puts emphasis on it. Her voice-over says she’s never dated a guy who could understand losing a parent. They connect big time.
Boston Eric gets some alone time but everything they talk about is related to being Greek. Methinks he’s going home. Texas Brian, who is huge in comparison to her, talks about how he’s just gotten to know himself and that when he gets married he only wants it to be once. If she doesn’t pick him, he should be the next Bachelor.
Back at the house, Jason talks to his 3-year-old son on the phone. He decides to tell the guys present that he had a son. He wanted to tell DeAnna first but it hasn’t worked out that way.
At the field, DeAnna has a heart to heart with Uncle Tommy about how to decide on the right guy. He tells her not to look at what she sees now, but on what she can see in the future. She grabs Jeremy and they walk off to a back room. As the rest of the dudes are on the field, they televise her giving Jeremy his second rose on the jumbo-tron. Unhappiness and jealousy abound. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before but I like Jeremy. He seems like good people. And everything is wrapped up with fireworks.
There’s another party as the Outhouse Boys come up to the Mansion to join the House Boys. Jeremy says "Welcome to our home," which doesn’t sit well with everyone else. Ron asks if she should be "spreading the roses around" and DeAnna explains that, while she won’t go into detail about what was said, Jeremy did open up to her and that’s what she’s looking for. She confessionals that she understands exactly what the guys are feeling right now but, if they really want to make an impression, they need to step it up.
Enter Twilley the Creepy to steal DeAnna away for another talk to make a better impression and give her a case of "the Twilleys." Which hopefully isn’t contagious and easily cleared up with penicillin. She tells him that it was unnerving for him to be sitting out there when returning from a date and he quasi-apologizes and tries to clarify his intent. It goes better than the first time, but still his nerves trip him up and he babbles a bit.
Meanwhile, Ron decides to cause a little more static about Jeremy’s second rose with the group. Jeremy tells him that if he’s questioning DeAnna’s reasoning then maybe he’s starting to doubt himself and why he’s there. Jeremy steals DeAnna away from Twilley and they discuss how she’s surprised they’re making a big deal about it (the second rose). He also tells her that he’s only here for her and kisses her on the cheek lingeringly…and then really kisses her. Smooth.
By the way, there’s a sneak peak of the game show Wipeout. It’s like the American version of Takeshi’s Castle (aka Most Extreme Elimination Challenge/MXC but real). Is it wrong that I totally want to watch this? I think it may be.
Back at the Mansion, the taste of salty bitterness is in the air but it does little to bring Jeremy down. Ryan calls him out for pulling DeAnna away from Twilley (as we’ve already established he hates that), further stating that he doesn’t have to be a…um…jerk about it when prodded by Jeremy. Only he used a stronger word.
DeAnna pulls Bitter Ron away for some one-on-one time and it goes well, though it’s a far more serious exchange then what she was expecting since he starts out by asking if it bothers her that he was divorced (which it doesn’t). Ron says that there was some "soul swapping" going on. Gag.
Meanwhile, Jeremy is trying to challenge Ryan to a push-up contest, which he’s respectfully and repeatedly declining. Until DeAnna comes in and likes the idea. By the way, that’s a good idea. Challenge a Pro Football Player to contests of physical strength/endurance. So now it’s everybody down and she counts them out. Jermey claims that he took a dive since everyone is hating on him already. Two of the final three are expected – Ryan’s out around 90, Texas Brian is out at 97 and, surprisingly, Jesse wins at 98.
He gets one-on-one time and tells DeAnna that, while his life is in Colorado right now, he’s excited to move on with his life and be there for his kids and family – he can’t snowboard forever.
Finally, Chris Harrison shows up so DeAnna can prep for the Rose Ceremony. I’m thinking D-bag Robert, Twilley the Stalker, and Eric the Greek are out.
At said Ceremony, Canadian Paul, Graham and Jeremy have already received their roses and will be living in the Mansion. DeAnna thanks all the guys for putting their lives on hold and being there and that she knows exactly what’s they’re going through. Ron gets the first one, followed by Jesse, D-bag Robert, Texas Brian, Jason, Fred (who?), Sean Dudikoff, and Richard.
There’s one rose left and Twilley, Ryan (seriously?), Eric the Greek, and Chris are the odd men out. What?!? Twilley? Twilley got a rose and Ryan didn’t? I’m disgusted. She’s killing me.
So Eric the Greek, Chris (who thinks she doesn’t have it all figured out like she thinks she does, which may be true), and Ryan (who I adore and should also be the next Bachelor…or he could just call me) are cast out into the cruel, cruel world sans DeAnna’s heart.
In the house, she bursts into tears and leaves to compose herself (she apparently feels bad about breaking people’s hearts). When DeAnna returns, she toasts the room and says that she thinks her next husband is among the remaining men. And I can’t get over not keeping Ryan in favor of Twilley. She kind of makes me sick now. I’m through.
Am I the only one who can’t believe she let Ryan go? Is Twilley just nervous and eager or is he actually creepy? Will Jeremy’s front-runner status remain? Is Robert really a d-bag or is he just wearing the uniform? Any other thoughts?