Onetreehill_girls_s5_240One Tree Hill is back and ready to answer the burning question: which of the three lovely ladies did Lucas call and propose to in the season finale?

The below spoilers totally agree with me that the phrase "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is no longer funny, not even a little bit.

Those of you expecting me to give away the goods right away, well, you’ll have to be as patient as I was watching because the show takes its sweet time getting there, and I plan to do the same. (Insert evil laugh here!) The show begins by recapping where we stood at the end of last season: Nathan was working on getting back into basketball with his eye on playing in the NBA, Dan needed a heart transplant but got hit by a car as his heart beeper ironically went off to let him know a heart was ready, Lucas had a ridiculous love triangle (square? rhombus?) with Lindsey, Brooke and Peyton and asked one of them to go to Vegas and get married.

After the recap we start the new season in dreamland, Lucas Scott style. Which lady does he want to spend the rest of his life with? His choices are examined by the time-honored soap tradition of the daydream. Which is, of course, disguised as reality in order to "confuse" the viewers, even though everyone with a pulse can see it coming. It’s cute how they they think we’re that gullible, isn’t it? His first daydream is about being married to Brooke, and it’s basically all about how Brooke doesn’t really need him because she buys her own flowers and present on their anniversary and how they spend most of their time apart because of their hectic work lives. Gee, do you think he’s going to pick Brooke? Considering it was ridiculous to even include her in the strange love geometry he’s got going on in the first place, I sort of doubt it. The next daydream is all about being married to Peyton, and considering they seem to be living in his house and are comfortable, passionate and loving, it might be a hint. The last daydream is about being married to Lindsey, and although their beach house is lovely and their rapport simple, something seems missing.

In the end, to no one’s surprise, we find out that Lucas called Peyton when she shows up at the airport, bag in hand and words of love on her tongue. Considering that like a month ago he said he hated her and he spent the entire last season pining over another woman, her immediate acceptance of his proposal seems a wee bit pathetic. She does acknowledge his insanity with the words "you’re a mess, Lucas Scott, but you’re my mess and I love you." I suppose that’s enough? I don’t know. I’m old and unsentimental, I suppose. When they arrive in Vegas everything goes less than perfectly, from the mirrors on the ceiling in the room to Lucas forgetting to buy Peyton a ring to the extremely cheesy Vegas chapel they end up at, and of course they don’t get married. Instead they end up driving to L.A. to stay in the same hotel room where Lucas proposed the first time, and when he tries to propose again Peyton says yes before the words can even leave his mouth. It’s sort of cute, but really hard to swallow considering everything from last season. But hey, new season new rules, I guess! Let’s just pretend the last year never happened! Woo!

Back in Tree Hill, Brooke is apparently completely over having to return Angie to her parents despite the fact that she was pretty devastated about it at the end of last season (and this season is completely continuous). Oh, wait. I forgot. Last year never happened! Silly me. Brooke has bigger fish to fry anyway, as it turns out Brooke’s call from the end of last season was Victoria, calling to tell Brooke she is planning on taking Clothes Over Bro’s away from her. Brooke says it best when she calls her mother a "bitch" and a "Botoxed vampiress." Hee. It seems Victoria does have a case, though, since she is a 50/50 partner in the company and can have the board vote to remove Brooke from her own company and replace her with another designer. Brooke vows not to let this happen and says that once the board sees her new line they will side with her and fire Victoria as she wishes. Also, because she doesn’t have enough on her plate Brooke also has to deal with a mysterious teenage shoplifter and also gets savagely attacked by a masked man at the end of the episode when leaving her store. I have a feeling Brooke’s going to the dark place this season. I am going to miss funny, frilly Brooke.

In the campiest and awesomest story of the night, Dan survived being run down by a car in last season’s finale…only to wake up to the face of psycho Nanny Carrie! Nanny Carrie is dressed in a nurse’s outfit and seems to be overseeing Dan’s care, so Nanny Carrie is now officially Nurse Carrie. Nurse Carrie spends the episode torturing Dan by burning him with a hot fork (seriously) and threatening to kill him. It’s like Misery, but with people who can’t act. She ultimately tells Dan that she plans on killing him but first he must help her get Jamie back. Dan tries to escape and manages to crawl his way to the hospital room door…only to learn that he’s not in a hospital at all, but in a house in the middle of nowhere. See, I told you it was like Misery! I really hope there’s not a hobbling scene. Also, this is the awesomest, stupidest storyline ever. I’m a little bit in love with it.

As for the rest of the Scott family, they all seem to be doing well on the outside, with Nathan doing well at his basketball training, Haley doing well with her recording, and Jamie doing well at being the cutest child actor on television. Things aren’t exactly as they seem, though, because Nathan is having obvious discomfort with his back and Haley inwardly seemed less than enthusiastic with how her recording was going. The only Scott who is right as rain is Jamie, who is busy learning a very cute dance from Quentin and then teaching it to his mom. Really, it’s so sweet my teeth hurt.

Apparently, the one-time hookup between Skills and Deb has turned into something more, and they’re busy sneaking around and making out in cars and in pools like teenagers. Not just any pools, mind you, but Nathan’s pool while Nathan and Jamie are home. It’s, well, not very smart and totally kind of gross. They debate telling Nathan so they can stop sneaking around but ultimately decide to keep things quiet. Nathan, however, seems determined to find out who Deb is seeing so I’m sure it won’t be long until he catches them in the act. Now I need to go bleach my brain to get rid of the idea of Skills and Deb in a serious relationship.

Finally, the last storyline of the night deals with Mouth and Millicent. In the wake of his abrupt quitting at the end of last season, Mouth has decided to take that sports job they offered him in Omaha and asks Millicent to go with him. She agrees, but when she finds out about all of Brooke’s troubles with Victoria she decides to stay until all of that blows over so she can help Brooke. In the end, though, Brooke "fires" her and tells her she has to follow love because it’s the most important thing. Even when that love involves Mouth? Also…even though Mouth said goodbye to everyone, does anyone think these two are actually leaving? I think there is some sort of magnetic field around Tree Hill that requires every person who’s ever lived there to return.

All in all, a pretty mundane premiere with some great parts (Dan and crazy Nurse Carrie!) and some not-so-great parts (Deb, Skills, Mouth, and can Haley and Nathan please get an interesting story this year?) but next week looks like it’s filled with juicy drama. Bring it on!

What did you guys think? Will Peyton and Lucas actually make things work this time? Who attacked Brooke? Deb and Skills – yay or nay? And will Mouth and Millicent really leave Tree Hill for good?