Tonight’s cuppa: peppermint tea
It’s night two of the four-episode seventh-season premiere of Fox’s "24," and once again, I’m gettin’ livebloggy with the press-preview DVD. SPOILER WARNING!!!: This post is going up early, so depending when you arrive, you may want to catch up by clicking here for part one of night one, or clicking here for part two of night one.
(As always, these liveblogs are not meant to be overtly spoilery,
but if you’re either extremely clever or a really good guesser, you
might want to leave right now. You’ve been warned.)
Previouslys. OK, since it was last night, I’ll do these too. Scary air traffic. Scary course change. Scary near miss. Scary Soul Patch. Scary module. Scary Bad African Guy. Not so scary Mr. First Not Bill. Scary Sneaky Shooter. FBI Chick and FBI Boss, what’s up with that? Jack Bauer finds Soul Patch. Why, oh, why? Where is it? What the hell happened to you?
The following takes place between 10 a.m. and 11 a.m. (on the day of the California presidential primary. Events occur in real time. What, again? you say. Deal with it.)
Hey, that looks like the exact same Olympus DS-40 digital recorder that I have! I showed that to "24" E.P. Howard Gordon one time. Did he gank my recorder type? Oh, sorry, entirely missed list of improbably extravagant demands from Bad African Guy. Summary: Get the heck out of FAN, or we’ll waste ya.
Short-Haired Adviser can reegineer an anti-McGuffin in six days. Dude, this is "24." President Not Hillary reminds him of that.
Once again, President Not Hillary doesn’t want to start a panic. You know, I remember 9/11 and while it was very, very bad and terrifying and horrifying and disorienting, don’t really remember seeing panic in the streets (other than reasonable fear and perfectly sensible running away) in TV coverage. New Yorkers out there, was there panic? Starting to think this fear of causing a panic thing may be slightly overblown.
Of course, if we have a really big earthquake in Los Angeles, I may get to test that theory and find it seriously wanting. But, I digress…
Advisers leave President Not Hillary pondering her options.
Chopper landing, oooh, split-screen chopper landing. Nobody really ducks under the blades. Jack Bauer would never duck. Me, I’d duck.
FBI Boss gets up in FBI Chick’s grille. She and Jack Bauer tell FBI Boss that his tight ship is really a leaky dinghy. Liking that they didn’t cover up FBI Chick’s freckles with pancake makeup. Yeah, I have freckles. You got a problem with that?
Jack Bauer wants Soul Patch locked down, or they’ll never get the McGuffin. The White House calls. FBI Boss wants to be loopy. Jack Bauer takes off his sunglasses. That’s never good. Again, FBI Chick & Boss, what’s the backstory?
FBI Garafalo lifts Soul Patch’s shirt. "Is that comfortable for you?" Oh, you did not just say that. Who wrote this episode? Talkin’ ’bout you, Manny Coto and Brannon Braga!
FBI Chick sends FBI Garafalo to patch the dinghy. Jack Bauer blinks. FBI Chick’s starting to do that Jack Bauer-whisper thing.
FBI Garafalo tells FBI Babyface Boy to grab a hold of his server nodes and get back to work.
Hawk Nose Guy wants to save Soul Patch. Other Bad Guy thinks he’s collateral damage. Bad Africa Guy is impatient. Other Bad Guy says chill.
FBI Boss tells FBI Chick that Soul Patch is cashing Bad African Guy’s checks. Jack Bauer wants to talk to Soul Patch. Yeah, talk, converse, chat, have a conversation, have social intercourse. OK, stopping now.
Jack Bauer saw Soul Patch die in his arms. Sniff. End of sentimental moment. Jack Bauer talks softly but carries a big you know what. Soul Patch is all whatever, been there, don’t know nuttin’. Soul Patch reveals he’s for sale. Coulda used it to get rid of that eyebrow scar, Soul Patch. It’s a little thing we like to call plastic surgery. Try it; you’ll like it.
Soul Patch not so happy with the guv’mint. Uh-oh, Soul Patch invokes dead Bride and estranged Spawn of Kiefer! (Used with full and unqualified acknowledgment and credit to the unbelievably awesome and hilarious season-one recaps of "24" at http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com, written by the brilliant Gustave. Also stole Soul Patch from Gustave. Promise to give it back when I’m done. Thanks, TWoP and Gustave!)
Jack Bauer puts Soul Patch against the wall and gives him the full-on roar. I’m skeered from here. What are you doing, Jack Bauer? That looks bad. What did you say, Soul Patch? But, Soul Patch lives.
Jack Bauer makes a call. Makes a call? Well, THAT’s a surprise. Silver Fox! Nice to see ya! Yeah, interrogating, that’s the word for it.
Ten minutes to set up a VPN? Didn’t take me that long to set mine up, but then I’m not a super secret spy like Silver Fox, operating outside conventional parameters. Jack Bauer is "our only hope."
Oh, jees, do I have to call Jack Bauer Skywalker now?
Chief Adviser brings the hammer down on Mr. First Not Bill, who’s not buying it. Uh-oh, sainted Mr. First Dead Son was a shady dealer. Apparently President Not Hillary plays things close to the vest.
Does Mr. First Not Bill ever take off that tan overcoat? Just askin’. Ah-hah, CSSA’s a tattletale.
We have until 1 p.m., which is what, next week? Week after?
President Not Hillary finds herself between a rock and … well, another rock. But one rock is in FAN and the other rock is in the U.S. So, which country is your primary responsibility, President Not Hillary? Seems to me that’s the pertinent question.
Hey, High-Functioning Chloe! She hooks Silver Fox up with Jack Bauer, and he spills the truth about Soul Patch and the McGuffin. Seems President Not Hillary’s White House is a leaky dinghy, too. High-Functioning Chloe liked how Jack Bauer looked while spitting in Sen. ’70s eye. Missed you, girl.
Jack Bauer wants to use FBI Chick, but Silver Fox flags him off. HF Chloe starts work on an exit strategy.
FBI Babyface Boy pointedly ignores FBI Garafalo, and still whines about Level Four. Oh, stuff it, FBIBB. Hey, what are you doing there? You sneaky little devil.
Mr. First Not Bill took his overcoat off! Uh-oh, Lingerie Girl on the line, and she’s after more than casual conversation. Apparently, Mr. First Not Bill was right all along.
FBI Boss really, really scares Soul Patch. Yeah, he’s just sweating now. Yep. Just terrified. Soul Patch lobs one back. Golly, doesn’t roguishness suit Soul Patch?
FBI Chick sees the value in aggressive coercion. FBI Boss thinks asking nice will work eventually.
Down in the bowels of the building, FBI Garafalo opens a socket or something. Uh-oh, FBI Babyface Boy has some ‘splainin’ to do. And he ‘splains.
Jack Bauer wires up, ready to roll with HF Chloe in his head. It’s like that TV-newsroom scene with William Hurt and Holly Hunter in "Broadcast News," but with sneaking and running instead of news reporting. FBI Chick gives him paperwork. ‘Nighty night, FBI Chick.
Silver Fox on the move, HF Chloe masterminding, Jack Bauer on the move, clear! FBI Boss gets the message. Soul Patch does the eye thing. Shut up, FBI Boss. ‘Nighty night, FBI Boss. Soul Patch and Jack Bauer– the boys are back in town!
Clear to move. Copy that. Soul Patch is cool with Jack Bauer nearly throttling him to death. That’s nice.
Clear. Running. FBI Babyface Boy looks worried. FBI Garafalo makes nice. Uh-oh, performance hit on server router. It’s FBI Garafalo vs. HF Chloe, Interweb Deathmatch! Who will win? Who will be the last Geek Girl standing?
Typing, running, guns, whoop whoop whoop. Uh-oh, HF Chloe’s pissed off.
We gotta make a move. Let’s go! Halls, talk to me, running, sitting ducks. FBI Boss is piiiiisssseeed. FBI Girl feels really stupid.
FBI Garafalo gets a hit. HF Chloe hits back. FBI Garafalo is learning some respect. Escape-and-evasion-tactics time. When in doubt, out the window! Silver Fox in blue van. Go, go!
Cordon perimeter, get down! Bang, bang, bang! You go first, I’ll cover you. Leap! Bang, bang, hotwire. Oh, that’s going to leave a mark.
KE-RASH. Come on, Jack Bauer! Go, go, go!
FBI Boss has a cow. On the road. HF Chloe clears a path. Silver Fox promises answers. Broheims, together again.
And with that, I depart and leave the final hour of the two-night, four-hour "24′ season-seven premiere up to your imaginations. Enjoy!