Ecclesiastes (1:9-14) made it clear that there is nothing new under the sun, but the girls on Rock of Love Bus still manage to find a few moments in which prove that the bizarre at least makes for TV you can’t quite turn away from. They are the train-wreckiest! Also, I can’t tell you how much I am giggling about quoting a bible verse in a review of one of the smuttiest shows on the air. My Catholic mother would be so proud!
The drama starts right away, with Taya packing up and moving to a new bus. Like it’s going to be any better on the other bus? Unless the bus says "Greyhound" on the side and is heading for home, all she did was change the color scheme. And by that, I mean from blond to brunette. The girls are given that task to play hockey and save "Baby Brett" – who has plastic hair, just like his daddy! Against them is Lacey and the University of Illinois girls hockey club. Brittaney beams that she will do great in this challenge, since she was almost an Olympic hopeful before opting for the porn industry instead. I’m guessing the implants affected her ability to properly balance, because from what I saw, she was about as graceful and lithesome as a Rhino. A deranged rhino.
The girls are split into 3 teams, with everyone agreeing that the Pink team got the short end of the stick by getting stuck with Beverly, who could barely remain upright on the ice. The blue team goes first and scores 4 points, despite Lacey decapitating their baby. The black team goes next and scores 2 points, which Kelsey is thrilled with. Someone needs to explain to her that 2 is less than 4. Natasha also falls on the ice and whacks her head pretty hard. Being the caring bunch of humanitarians they are, everyone steps back and watches as she whimpers and moans until the EMT comes. Not a single person even came within 5 feet to tell her she was going to be OK!
The pink team is last, and as they take the ice, Beverly tells Melissa to pass her the baby, with a wink. It seems Beverly was faking her inability! That’s my girl! The Pink team scores 5 points and wins a date with Brett. As Maria, Melissa, Beverly and Brittaney congratulate themselves, I wonder if any of them will think to ask for a prize exchange of a plane ticket home? Alas, they all go on the date. However, while the other girls get dressed up in the trashiest clothes synthetic fibers can provide, Beverly doesn’t even change out of her fatigues and white tank top. Just when I think I couldn’t love her more, when Brett takes them to a strip club she rolls her eyes and refuses to flash any skin or writhe on the stage like a…well, like a Rock of Love contestant!
Brett pulls her aside, to the other girls dismay, and she reveals that she has 3 kids and doesn’t want them to be hurt by her actions, or teased by their friends because of what they saw her doing on TV. Well, knock me over with a feather. Brett said he wanted to find a woman who would be protective of his two girls, right? Logic dictates that Beverly just proved she is just such a woman. But of course, Brett glides right over that and whines that she’s being a buzz-kill. Maybe he poked himself with his eyeliner pencil and is still cranky over it? Whatevs.
Back on the bus, the girls go through Brittaney’s bunk because something smells foul. They find out that she’s hoarding food and took all their sweaty socks from the hockey arena. When the girls come back from their date, they harass Brittaney about the socks so much that she decides to forgo the hotel room and sleep on the bus by herself. And that’s without the girls having heard her delusional chatter about how her jobs in the adult entertainment industry we teaching the women about retirement funds and as a producer and director of films. Yeah, that’s how Brett recognized her on day one – from her high profile former career and an investment broker to porn stars.
With Brittaney gone, you would think the drama would die down. Instead, Melissa steps up to the plate, crawling into bed and pulling out a forbidden cell phone, calling her boyfriend and loudly discussing how she doesn’t respect Brett, that he’s old and has fake hair, that she doesn’t like him as a person and that she’s too good to be on the show. The next morning, the girls try to confront her on the issue and she smugly tells them to prove it. Instead, they go to Brett and tell him. Brett then attempts to confront her and she denies up on side and down the other, claiming that the girls pick on her because she’s too smart and carries herself so well. Sweetie, a smart person would not have made that phone call in front of a cameraman on a reality show.
It’s no shock that at the elimination ceremony, Farrah speaks up to say that it’s not fair for some of the girls to be on the show for Brett while others are talking to boyfriends and making fun of him. Brett repeats what he told a reporter before the season – that his hair is finest extensions Europe can provide. Someone needs to tell him "Taiwan" is not in Europe. It’s part of the Republic of China. Anyway, Melissa speaks up and says she’s not "feeling it at all" and Brett calls her a player before telling her the get the *beep* out.
Also told to get out was Brittaney – and thank goodness. She was getting seriously creepy. Even more so when her parting words are about how she can’t wait to give the world her love. So, consider yourself warned, people.