Nothing says “Valentine’s Day is over” like

a pregnant teenager struggling with her biology homework. But on The Secret

Life of the American Teenager, airing Mondays on ABC Family, that’s just what

you get — a girl struggling with teachers, boyfriends and OB-GYNs. It’s like Juno meets Zoey 101 meets The Wonder Years. In other words, it’s the

perfect show to party around. So call your friends and neighbors — it’s time we

had a talk about abstinence.


Setting the scene:

High school is a tough decorating project

if your home doesn’t already happen to have a cafeteria and a gymnasium. But

you can work wonders with little accent pieces such as a few school desks and side-by-side, double-tier standard school

lockers replete with pictures of the Jonas Brothers taped

to the inside and a handmade banner touting an upcoming winter dance. Place

piles of used textbooks on the desks along with Mead

notebooks (woo hoo, the Trapper!), some loose-leaf paper and as many

Dixon-Ticonderoga No. 2 pencils as you can get your hands on since there might

be a quiz. Party favors should include DVD box sets of Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink. Hey, who doesn’t love Molly Ringwald?


Kids today don’t exactly have taste or

style, but they do seem to have a fistful of gift cards from Aeropostale and Abercrombie & Fitch. So

tell guests to walk into one of those stores with $100 and walk out a billboard

for corporate shills. Although in a sign of solidarity for Amy, maternity wear

is also encouraged.

On the menu:

Pregnant teenagers crave the most awful stuff

— that is to say they crave what regular teenagers crave: pizza, Doritos, gummy

bears and soda.

On the hi-fi:

Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne, All I Need by Before Balance, Hold On Beauty by Cameron McGill and What Army, Beautiful by Fur Patrol, Notice Me by J.J. Farris, or head to the show’s

Web site ( and make your own mix tape.

The showstopper:

Few things can take a party from an OK

shindig to a spectacular gala like a French horn soloist. Just as Amy hopes to

make it to Juilliard, why not contact your local high school or college and ask

about hiring a musician to perform a song or two? It’ll be awkward and haunting

— just like kids raising kids.