The Bones

Good grief, I have never heard such shrieking and crying

from pretty girls in my life. Oh, wait: it must be America’s Next Top Model —

Cycle Twelve! This year’s batch of leggy hamsters descends upon Las Vegas for a

Very Toga Episode, donning Grecian gowns for a two quick photo shoots, a

runway-gone-train-wreck walk off, and interviews with Tyra and The Two

Jays. Tyra’s first appearance is as — no

lie — the Goddess of Fierce. But more on that later.

There are characters aplenty. I find myself rooting for

Kathryn and her pen/anxiety collection, as well as nutjob conspiracy theorist

Monique … if there is a Goddess of Fierce, She would definitely keep these two

loonies around for fun. Many of the

girls have heartbreaking backstories … er … are really very beautiful, but

overall this may be the roughest-looking group yet to cycle. (Is it makeover

time yet? Please?)

Early on, Miss J professes his love for otherworldly being Teyona (she does not have wind-in-the-hair, she has — as Nigel and Tyra quip — "Wind-in-the-face"). Tyra fawns over a couple girls, notably Crazy Eyes Allison and Natalie, while The Two Jays look at her like "huh?" Everyone agrees Sandra is drop-dead gorgeous.  No one mentions Celia is, like, a little old (25).  

The group is whittled down from approximately 100 to 21 to 13

lovely gals now in the running. The girls meet their new house and bounce off

the walls shrieking like crazed animals, fighting over beds and bitching about

each other. Their first “real” photo

shoot addresses an issue Tyra is passionate about: creepily sexualizing underage

girls in the name of fashion. (Oh, wait, no — it was about girls growing up too

fast.) Crazy Eyes Allison is called

first for having the best picture. Isabella, the very sweet girl

with epilepsy, heads home …presumably because producer Ken Mok lost his marbles

when he saw the insurance premiums he’d have to pay out for subjecting that

poor girl to strobe lights 24/7.

The Pretty

Some of the girls are gorgeous. Burn survivor Tahlia is brave and fierce (even if she may not quite look like a top model). Aminat is all legs and rocks the catwalk like it's her job. Teyona, Allison and Fo all give good photo.  

The Ugly

Where. To. Start. Sandra's personality? Those crappy, grainy photos from the photo shoot?

The insane shrieking and crying? Angelea’s green talons? Aw, they all get a pass this week because I’m

so excited ANTM is back.

Next week though? They need to chill out.

Oh, Tyra, Please

The Goddess of Fierce? Really? You had to come out and

give that ridiculous speech while those maniacs cried and screamed and worshiped

you? Well, it’s okay. All was forgiven

when Celia wept tears of joy and exclaimed, "She’s an extraterrestrial!"

Oh, hey, P.S.

You may have noticed this wasn’t written by Jordan, your previous

trusty ANTM recapper.  That lucky girl is

off getting her Vogue on with Benny Ninja and couldn’t make it. Hopefully there

is room in your heart for a new recapper this season …I know I’m looking forward

to it.