Upon this hallowed day, wherein we experience the revelation of the “America’s Next Top Model” heir-apparent (oh, come on, we saw it coming from a mile away) … all I keep thinking is: “what the hell, they fired Paulina?”
Paulina Porizkova, she of the effortless snark and withering critiques, has left the building. Fired due to some combination of ANTM cutbacks and/or her alleged “ego problem.” Paulina: call me. I will brush your rock-n-roll hair and laugh at all your goofy, deadpan Czech jokes. Whomever they bring on next won’t hold a candle to you. We shall never forget.
Okay, where were we? Oh right: it’s the finale, and to no one’s surprise Teyona wins it. The judges have been steering the Good Ship Teyona for weeks now. She is a perfectly good winner. Consistent, pretty, versatile, driven. Yet she could be unimaginative at times, a little unaware of her body, and packing a grin that straddles a fine line between toothy and feral. Still, possibly the biggest point against her was her monstrous mess up in the Cover Girl commercial (yet she does join the hallowed ranks of girls who completely flubbed the commercial and still won … what’s up with that?).
Judging by Zap2it’s unbiased, highly scientific survey system — you know, that poll at the end of each recap — Allison was the overwhelming fan favorite (69% of you voted her your choice). She definitely brought her A Game in tonight’s episode, stomping around the runway show like she owned the place and doing pretty well at the Cover Girl commercial. Alas, it was not to be for Crazy Eyes. Still, I suspect she’ll have a decent career, and she won’t have to endure those terrible My Life As A Cover Girl commercials.
For those of you seeking to relive the magic — or just needing to know the basics — we opened the show and immediately tossed the models into the Cover Girl commercial/photo shoot. McKey shows up and delivers the pat CG speech about how fabulous her lipstick is in a terribly mechanical, rehearsed manner … she may be very pretty but hoo-eey, that girl is not a spokesmodel. Aminat worked hard at her script and delivered a strong performance, knowing she was the underdog; Allison’s wasn’t bad but Teyona had a sobbing meltdown.
At panel Allison was called first, then Teyona: both girls had amazing photos. But that meant Aminat was out, told she needed to learn to control her face better and be a better model (oh, wait, the latter was my commentary).
Allison and Teyona departed for their runway show, which instead of the usual couture seemed to be swimsuits. (Hm, more budget cuts?) While the girls are getting gussied up backstage, the judges show up at the show and dear God, what is Miss Jay wearing? It’s a muu muu … it’s Carmen Miranda … it’s a tranny … oh, heck, I give up. It’s a trainwreck.
Teyona does well on the catwalk but doesn’t surpass any expectations; well, not until her hairpiece falls off and — staying in the moment — she starts swinging it around like a cat-o-nine-tails. Allison blows the doors off the place with her Miss Most Improved performance, sassing Miss Jay and looking especially fierce.
At final panel, Allison was praised for having wonderful photos and a surprisingly good show. But, of course, Teyona wins it.
Bonus: Allison is a very gracious loser. Way to go.
All the girls looked gorgeous this episode. Teyona and Allison’s Cover Girl photo shoots were just fabulous: sassy, sweet, a little sexy. Both girls rocked the runway and were fun to watch.
(I could not say the same for Tyra. She looked especially worn out this episode.)
According to the judges, one of the reasons Teyona won was because “she wanted it more.” This seems sort of weak to me. Celia wanted it pretty bad, but she was deemed “desperate.” No one is giving me a pair of Christian Louboutin heels because I really, really want them. It seems a contest like this should be decided by talent … but what the heck do I know?
Gentle readers, thanks for coming along on this cycle with me. We laughed, we cried, we were emotionally reborn. (Okay, maybe not, but we were entertained.) Best of luck to our models and more importantly: best of luck to you. See you soon.