Tonight on "Gossip Girl," Rufus and Lily bond over a little Mary J (not Blige), Serena wages war on Gossip Girl, and a mysterious stranger who may or may not be the long-lost offspring of reunited Rufus and Lily transfers to NYU.
Gossip Girl texts everyone during the graduation ceremony as follows: Nate Archibald: class whore, Dan Humphrey: the ultimate insider, Chuck Bass: coward, Blair Waldorf: weakling and as for Serena Van Der Woodsen, after today you are officially irrelevant. Congratulations everyone, you deserve it. Serena vows to take Gossip Girl right the eff out.
The Scooby Gang works out that it's someone in their class. It took them until graduation to suss that out? Serena texts a fake tip to GG… and little twinky Jonathan's phone rings. But it turns out Jonathan hacked into GG's server over spring break, that's how he gets her text messages. (Why is it always little twinky guys who are named "Jonathan." Will he get his own alternate-reality episode of GG where he's a spy and a trumpet player and total pimp?)
At Nate's party, Dan and Vanessa are all Preston and Denise from "Can't Hardly Wait." Blair takes Chuck into a bedroom and stripteases for him, then asks him how he feels about her. Before he can answer, GG texts: Serena Van Der Woodsen just couldn't leave well enough alone. Since she had to find out the truth about me, I'm going to tell you the truth about everyone. Every gossip bomb I've got is about to drop and if you've got a problem with that… take it up with her."
The Gossip Bombs are as follows:
Ever wonder why Miss Carr left town? Dan Humphrey had sex with her during the school play.
The sparks between Humphrey's sis and Nate during a hot photo session? Thank God it stopped at PG-13, or someone could've ended up in jail. Like her brother.
And as for Blair Waldorf, say uncle. We hear she kept it in the Bass family on New Year's but rumor has it Chuck spent some time in Brooklyn, metaphorically speaking of course.
So Dan slept with a teacher, Jenny fooled around with Nate, Blair hit Jack Bass and Chuck hooked up with Vanessa. Happy graduation everyone! Blair turns against Serena, blaming her for everything. She goes back to Chuck, though, and tells him she loves him, begging him to tell her back. He won't and Blair cries.
Nate tries to comfort Serena, who thinks everything is ruined because high school is over and everyone hates her. So she texts GG: meet me at the Oak Room or I tell everyone who you are. Nate sits with her at the Oak Room, then Dan shows up. She confesses that she doesn't want to be irrelevant and he reassures her that she won't be. As the entire senior class shows up, GG texts them all that she's coming with them to college. Blair and Serena make up, as Chuck watches from outside, looking sad.
Queen B Search
Blair's minions are choosing a new head Mean Girl at midnight, giving it to whomever brings the best piece of gossip to them at Nate's party. New girl Emma Boardman (who lives on Park Avenue) wants the title. Once Jonathan reveals his access to GG's server, Jenny and Eric find a piece of gossip that she thinks would crush Emma Boardman for new Queen B but doesn't think she can use it because it's about Blair's New Year's activities.
When Jenny tries to warn Blair that GG knows, Blair blows her off so Jenny turns right around and tells the Mean Girls what she found out. Unfortunately, GG texts her Gossip Bombs before Jenny can spill the beans. Emma smirks. Is Emma Gossip Girl? Blair tells Jenny the gossip about her and Chuck, but Jenny turns it down. Blair says Jenny is her queen and that she needs to look out for herself.
Rufus and Lily's Excellent Adventure
Lily doesn't want to have much to do with Rufus now that he no longer wants to marry her. Women are funny that way.
However, Lily gets down-in-the-mouth about her daughter graduating high
school and feeling old, so she surprises Rufus with beer and weed.
Excellent. They get high and he proposes with a tape measure for a ring.
One Week Later
Rufus and Lily are happy, Eric and Jenny unpack their stuff. Blair gives Serena her mug shot in a frame, snerk, and they hug. Dan, Vanessa and Nate have coffee and Nate says the Deputy Mayor made a pass at him, so he's going backpacking with Vanessa instead of working for the Mayor.
Blair crashes the coronation of Emma as Queen in order to bestow the crown to Jenny, who told GG all the secrets she was keeping about Nelly.
Dan meets a new NYU transfer named Scott, who is from Oregon Boston (his parents think he's in Oregon) and possibly the long-lost child of Lily and Rufus. Georgina calls to tell Dan that his money is back in his bank account, not to worry about Poppy and that she'll see him at NYU next year. Georgina then requests Blair for a roommate. Exxxxxcellent.
Serena runs into Carter on her way out of town and he tells her that he found her father. In Fiji. She invites him along in the limo.
Chuck then surprises Blair with her favorite macaroons from Paris and favorite stockings from Germany. He says he was a coward and that he had to come back for her. Blair says she can't believe him because he's hurt her so much, but he insists that she can believe him this time. He then says, "I love you too" and they smooch. Awwww!
What did you guys think? Excellent finale, I thought. I can't wait to see all our favorite Upper East Siders in college. Thanks to Lisa for letting me guest recap, it was super fun. If you'd like to read more of my TV news, check out my blog here. XOXO, Andrea.