David_thebachelorette_s5_290 Tonight on “The Bachelorette,” David is completely disgusting in regards to Juan.

Jillian yet again talks about how she’s not your “typical” pretty girl, but she says it in such a way that implies that the ideal woman is a “5’5, blonde, big-boobed model.” Umm, Jillian? There ain’t NO 5’5 models strutting down any catwalk. Tyra had to have a special edition of ANTM for short girls. Is 5’5 really tall for Jillian? Is she like 4’6? Seriously, this is befuddling to me.

The guys move into their bunk house. Awesome. The girls are in the/a mansion from the get-go, right? The guys are in a military-style barracks, albeit a really nice one.

Group Date I. After some pool volleyball, Jillian swipes the rose for this date and takes off. All the guys have to race around and find her. Apparently ABC has been taking a page out of CBS’s “Amazing Race” book. I hope they have to eat cow testicles or something.

The guys are split into pairs to find Jillian (it really is like the Amazing Race). The teams are Brad/Wes, Tanner P/Michael, Ed/Brian, and Sasha/Mathue. Tanner and Michael do a lot of screaming like monkeys, it scares me a little. They are led to to a restaurant to change into tuxedos and decipher clues. Guys don’t seem to know that “the line” means the line in the kitchen and that “best friends” are diamonds.

Ed/Brian take a good lead out of the jewelry store where they pick out a necklace for Jillian. Sasha/Mathue are 2nd, Brad/Wes are 3rd and Wes is acting like kind of a brat. Michael/Tanner P are bringing up the rear. Jillian is waiting at a bank vault to have dinner with the guy of her choosing. Brad/Wes manage come from 3rd arrive at the bank vault first.

Jillian chooses Wes, which totally sucks because he was a whiny bitch the entire day, but all she’s seen him do is play his guitar and crap. The other guys arrive and just have to wait it out at the bar outside the vault. At the dinner, Wes reveals that he’s 32. Well, that means you should’ve stopped wearing that spiky, frat-boy hairdo about 5 years ago, thanks.

Wes goes in for the smooch after dinner and she seems to reciprocate. The guys watch on a closed-circuit TV outside the vault as Jillian gives him the rose, which means he gets to move into the mansion that night.

Solo date time. Jake packs his bags, just in case he doesn’t get a rose, and heads out with Jillian. She’s wearing a godawful black fringe dress and red leather boots. They are not cowboy boots, they are hooker boots. It’s scary. They head to a country & western store to get Jake gussied up to match. Jake is a great sport about it.

Their date is a private dinner/concert at the House of Blues by Martina McBride, which is awesome. I love me some Martina. Jake is one of my favorites and he and Jillian seem to really hit it off and have a lot of fun together. Right in the middle of “I mean, marriage is very important to me” he just plants one on her! It actually gave me some butterflies, what is wrong with me? Whoo. When Martina comes out, it turns out Jake can actually dance! Oh man, he is just the tits and of course he gets a rose. Yay!

Group Date II. Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Kiptyn, and Juan are called. For those of you keeping score at home, that means Julien, Reid, Robby and Tanner F did not get dates this week. I wonder if that will work for or against them.

On the group date, the guys play basketball… against Jillian and the Harlem Globetrotters. Fantastic. Remember Curly? I loved him. Simon is absolute “rubbish” at basketball (his words) but it’s pretty hilarious. A bunch of the guys keep taking shots at Juan, saying he has a lack of testosterone and that he won’t get a rose because he’s all artsy. It makes me want to punch them all. Do you think Jillian would give you a rose if she heard you talking like that? I don’t.

In the game, the Globetrotters are obviously much better and also having a great time with it. The guys… not so much. They’re all pretty much embarrassed. The Globetrotters get a vote for which guy is best for Jillian and they pick David. Gross. After the game, they all head to the beach. Mike strips down to a tiny little speedo and runs into the ocean. Jillian loves it.

Afterwards, once they’ve all changed into nice clothes and are having drinks, David makes some weird accusation in a talking-head about Juan “pouring his shot out and covering it with his hand.” I’m so confused. I rewound it 3 times, it looks like Juan drinks his shot. But even if he didn’t… WHO THE HELL CARES, DAVID? When Juan and Jillian take some alone time, David takes it upon himself to tell the rest of the group that Juan should get beat-up for stuff like that. He literally says, “Tie him to a tree and beat the *#&$ out of him.”

Andrea’s Rant Time. Men like David make me so angry that I start physically shaking. I can barely type, I’m so incensed. You know what this is, David? It’s your stupid macho ego being made to feel insecure by a man who is not as “butch” as you are. Juan is from Argentina. From what I know of Latin American and Southern American men, their idea of a “man” is a lot different than it is here. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation, it’s just how they are. But an insecure not-nice-word-that-rhymes-with-duck like David feels insecure and threatened by it and lashes out in a way that is veering dangerously close to “Laramie Project” territory. It makes me sick. I will be severely disappointed if Dave sticks around. Not so much disappointed with Jillian, because David hasn’t been like this around her, so she cannot be held responsible for what she doesn’t see/hear, but disappointed in general. Rant over.

Juan and Jillian seem to have a nice time together and he gets a kiss, albeit it a more chaste kiss than Jake got. Kiptyn is next for alone time and that seems to go well too and he gets a big ol’ smooch. When it comes time for the rose, Jillian gives it to Mike for being so spontaneous. That’s okay, he seems like a good guy.

Back at the mansion, it’s cocktail party time. Tanner flips his lid about her open-toed shoes and puts her feet on his lap. Dude. Jillian is rightly creeped out. She has some alone time with Jesse, which seems to go well. Robby the Bartender makes her a “Rosmo,” which appears to be a Cosmo with 7-Up. Still, it’s a good conversation starter. Wes tries to dominate Jillian’s alone time, even stealing her away from Robby, which is crappy. You’ve got your rose, back off dude! Wes rubs

me the wrong way. I still suspect he is there to get his music career

started. Reid is with me on my impression of Wes. Right on, Reid.

None of the guys seem to like him, which he does not care about. I mean, it’s true that he’s not there to date any of the guys, but there’s still no reason to be a complete douche. Chris the Host comes in and tells them they can vote someone out of the house, but it can’t be any of the guys with a rose. Dammit! I really wanted to see Wes get the votes. We aren’t told, however, if the winning vote-getter is automatically going home or if it’s just something to stir the pot that has no consequences.

Tanner confides to some of the guys that he voted for Dave to go home, which gets him back into my good graces after the weird foot stuff. Dave, meanwhile, tells a bunch of guys that he would be the *$&% out of Juan outside the house and says Juan is “breaking man-code left and right.” The hell is the man-code? Not everybody has to be just like you, Dave. I hate him so much.

Outside, Brian starts stripping and jumps in the pool. It’s hilarious, I love it. Back inside, Chris reveals the voting results. The man receiving third-most votes is Julien, second-most is Dave and first is Juan. That sucks so much. Chris then says that Juan is going home if Jillian doesn’t give him a rose on the spot. Save him, Jillian! Save him!

She does, yay! It is time for deliberations. Dave talking-heads about how disappointed he is that Jillian kept Juan around. I hope Dave gets eaten by wild dogs.*

Have you guys seen the commercial where it’s like a bunch of ABC stars live in a house together? It’s delightful! I want to live in that house!

Rose Ceremony. 12 roses to hand out, 4 guys going home. Jillian gives roses to: Jesse (yay!), Dave (gross, Jillian. gross), Ed, Sasha, Mark, Michael, Tanner P, Kiptyn (yay!), Reid (yay!), Robby (yay!), Tanner F (who?), and Brad.

Brian, Julien, Mathue, and Simon didn’t get roses. I would’ve swapped Wes and Dave for Brian and Mathue, but I am not Jillian. Brian gives an awesome exit talking-head about being “hung like a light switch.” Hee!

It looks like next week Ed gets a solo date, yay, there’s a wild-west themed date, Wes breaks out that stupid song again and Dave looks to start some crap with Juan. Beat him up, Juan!

*Unless he actually gets eaten by wild dogs. Then I would feel bad. Maybe.

After tonight, what do you want to do to Dave?(ning polls)