We join the Pratts at the supposed “chamber of horrors” overnight trip. Spencer does say, “I guess this is what we deserve for being little crybabies.” It marks the first time I have ever agreed with something that came out of Spencer Pratt’s mouth. He and Heidi put on quite a show of how bad the Chamber is, but I do not buy it. Heidi spends a lot of the night praying about God showing them a sign they are supposed to be there. I’m not sure God has time to be bothered with fame-whores on a reality show… but who am I to guess His ultimate plan?
The other celebs have voted to let the Pratts return. I bet that was completely devoid of any outside influence, too. Spencer and Heidi return to camp and about the only person who has a bead on the Pratts is Daniel Baldwin, which is interesting. Spencer regales everyone with a tale of Heidi reading Bible verses and him throwing up a lot and how it told him to come back. It is… so disturbing. This is like “I’m a Celebrity, Big Tent Revival.”
Later, Heidi takes a few minutes to caterwaul a song from her new album for everyone. Janice says it sounded like a drowning cat, which obviously hurts Heidi’s feeling. Sorry: feelings. Spencer takes it upon himself to “warn” Janice and she echoes my thoughts when she says in a confessional, “What are you gonna do, hit me? Bring it, Spencer.” He’s worried he might “Spence Out” on her. What exactly does that mean? I sort of imagine he’ll bitch-slap her with an actual Bible.
Frances Quits Montage. It’s sort-of like when a duck dies and its mate mourns. Frances is so lonely without Angela that she quits. Awww. It’s handled very nicely and everybody seems really sad.
Back with the Pratts, all the celebrities are pretty much falling into the trap I’m falling into writing about this show. We have to qualify everything. “I’m not against Christianity,” “I don’t hate Jesus,” “I don’t kill puppies and spit on the American flag,” but Heidi and Spencer are TOO MUCH. Enough with the Jesus talk! The only person who isn’t totally weirded out is Stephen Baldwin. You know, ’cause he can do baptisms and stuff.
Heidi had a dream that the power of Jesus was all over her. I have… too many jokes, but it just seems in poor taste to crack a masturbation joke that has to do with Jesus. My inner angel and inner comic are fighting. Heidi then tells Daniel that she and Spence are on a “spiritual fast” and that “Man does not live on food alone.” Yes, but man also needs at least SOME food, doofus.
Patti Blago Sympathy Montage. I’m sorry, but no. You are on this show to drum up sympathy for your jackass husband who tried to sell President Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder. Maybe it’s because I live in Chicago and have read so much about this scandal that my eyes cross at the mere mention of it, but just… no. I will not feel sorry for you.
Of course, all the celebs are just lapping up her sob story because they’ve probably not read one story about the Blago scandal and all they know is that a nice lady who cries is telling them that her poor, maligned husband is being picked on by the big, bad court system.
Flash Flood time. The two celebs voted into the challenge are Sanjaya and Janice. Oh dear. Daniel tells Sanjaya, “If you lose to Janice, just pack your bags and go.” Hee! I hope she wins. Unfortunately, Sanjaya is not phased at all by the rising water and snakes/crocs/bugs/fish and finishes in a very quick time (3:12). Janice… not so much. She totally panics when the crocs and toads are in the tank and screams to let her out. Weak. I’m so disappointed in these women. The baddest-ass of them all was Heidi in the food challenge!
Sanjaya the Jungle Boy Montage. He makes ink from muddling some stuff in a coconut with a stick. He weaves bracelets, he makes a broom. He’s like Maguyver of the jungle.
Heidi is Dying Montage. Heidi’s been vomiting non-stop since they got back to the jungle, so she’s getting dehydrated and apparently she is still fasting? Good lord. Spencer is taking it as a sign that they really aren’t supposed to be there. So they’re leaving. Again. A medic is called, it’s very dramatic. I can hardly stand the tension. Everybody seems concerned, but Janice thinks it’s an act and Daniel thinks it’s because Heidi was refusing to drink water and eat. Well… duh. They take Heidi to the hospital for tests and it turns out she has some kind of ulcer thing.
Janice Annoys Everyone Montage. She won’t do anything around camp other than eat, sleep and bitch. She won’t lift a finger around camp and has Sanjaya running around as her whipping boy. John Salley says that if she was on fire, he wouldn’t pee on her. Ha!
Tribal Leader Challenge. They head back to Jungle Joe’s Buffet, the site of the first food contest. Today’s trial involves two random groups facing off. The top 2 finishers from each group compete against each other in the finals.
Group 1 is Janice, John, Torrie and Sanjaya. They get some kind of jungle worm (5 of them) and Janice quits before she even touches one. Shocker. Torrie quits and then John quits (he’s a vegan and won’t eat animals. I did not know that.), so Sanjaya wins round one. Daniel is so annoyed that Sanjaya is taking so long that he eats Torrie’s portion before Sanjaya finishes. Haha.
Group 2 is Patti, Stephen, Lou Diamond and Daniel. They get leaf-cutter ants (about 12-15 of them). Daniel and Lou Diamond go nuts, but Patti and Stephen quit. In round 2, Sanjaya has no competitors because everybody quit, but he still has to eat a bull’s testicle. Big deal. There are testicle festivals all over the midwest in the summer. Sanjaya gets two pieces down and quits. Weak.
The finals are then Daniel vs Lou Diamond with Stick Insect and Cow Tongue Chaser. Daniel snarfles the Stick Insect and Lou Diamond quits, but Daniel has to finish the tongue to win. He figures he’s won because Lou quit and he stops, so the hosts tell them there is not a new leader. They decide Lou remains the leader. He tries to reassign camp duties and tells Janice she’s on dish duty. She says, “Okay” but we’ll see.
That was… a really boring challenge. You know, I always thought a Celebrity Survivor would be awesome, but these guys suck. Maybe CBS could get better celebs.
Charity Montage. Daniel is playing for his mother’s breast cancer research fund, Salley is playing for the Cedars Sinai Sports Spectactular, Torrie is playing for Disabled American Veterans, Lou Diamond is playing for the Art Has Heart Foundation, Janice is playing for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, Sanjaya is playing for the Shriners Hospital for Children, Patti is playing for her husband’s legal fund Children’s Cancer Center and Stephen is playing for Love 146 (they rescue girls from sexual slavery in Asia).
You know, I’d really like to know where the money for charity is coming from. Is it from donations from viewers? Because that will be like $42. I’ve also read that back when Blago himself was trying to go on the show, his lawyers told a judge the former governor could make as much as $120,000 an episode. Does that mean $120,000 for charity each episode? Or $120,000 personally? The Blagos have said they were interested in the show because they were hard up for money. So… it’s not all about charity, perhaps.
Food Montage. Turns out the men have been sharing all their food so now they are getting smaller portions. The prize today was 3 lobsters and a bunch of bananas and now it’s one lobster and not as much fruit. The guys don’t think they should share any more after this time. Daniel is annoyed they were sharing in the first place. I would be too, bub. You win, you get the food. You lose, you get beans and rice. If you don’t like it, lump it.
Immunity Challenge time. It’s called “Hang Tough” and involves hanging from some steel bars over a mud pit. You know, if I had chalk for my hands I could hang all night long, but once they get slippery, I’d be toast. Janice is sitting out (again) on doctor’s orders (spare me). I like Torrie”s chances, she’s light plus has awesome buff arms.
There isn’t a new show tomorrow night because of the Red Wings/Penguins game. Instead there is a two-hour show on Wednesday instead. The previews show Holly Montag joining the cast. I have to say, if it was going to be a Pratt sibling, I’m glad it’s her and not Stephanie Pratt. See y’all Wednesday night!