of American men. Well, some nurses. Others fuel nightmares. Jackie Peyton of Nurse Jackie, airing Mondays on Showtime, seems to fall somewhere in the
middle. She has the bedside manner of a parole officer and a sense of justice
you only hear about when people are running for office. If left up to her,
health care reform would happen overnight, paid for by selling organs from the
recently deceased to rich old people who want just one more good year. Ethics
in her ER seem gray from where we sit — and that’s how we like it. So turn your
head and cough; we’re throwing a Nurse Jackie party!
Setting the scene:
We need medical equipment, stat! In order
to drive your lust for Nurse Jackie home to all the party guests, turn your
home into the ER. That means you’ll need hospital beds, stretchers, tray
tables, wheelchairs, emergency first aid kits, exam stools, exam lamps, tongue
depressors, Q-tips and cotton applicators, and any instruments you can get your hands on
reasonably. You’ll also want medical history charts and the occasional X-ray
hanging on the wall. Invitations should be written up as prescriptions (“A
Party for What Ails You!”) and include a surgical mask and a specimen cup.
During the party, play games with a medical bent, such as symptom quizzes or
even board games such as Pandemic.
Winners can be given stethoscopes while everyone else
gets disposable plastic bedpans.
It’s well documented that nurses’ apparel
is some of the ugliest clothing ever created, but at least they won’t be
confused with anyone else. Encourage hospital gowns and medical scrubs, replete
with caps and surgical masks.
On the menu:
Hospital food seems designed to be bland,
so lets try to keep the goopy look but ramp up the taste of the turkey and
stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans and fruit cup by using recipes
from the Food Network. For dessert have M&Ms in pill
bottles. Beverages should be served via IV drip.
On the hi-fi:
Jackie Blue by the Ozark Mountain
Daredevils, (Theme from) Valley of the Dolls by Dionne Warwick, Comfortably
Numb by Pink Floyd, Another One Bites the Dust by Queen, How to Save a
Life by the Fray, Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik.
If you want this party to be a beacon of hope
to everyone without health insurance, do yourself a favor and get a used
ambulance to sit in your front lawn with the lights
flashing. You’d be surprised how many ambulances are available for less than
$30,000. Added perk: Playing doctor just got taken up a notch.