Welcome back to the amalgam of insanity, messy food products, and cultural dissonance that is “I Survived a Japanese Game Show.” At the outset, the Red Robots seem oddly psyched that they are down two members, as if they perfectly executed their strategy to totally suck for the first two weeks. But right away, the show orders the Green
Dragons Tigers to break up their monopoly of Majide skillz and send one player over, Red Rover-style. By process of secret ballot, Cathy gets booted off, 4-2, with the other two votes going to Bobaloo. “Survivor”-esque, this was not. Mary J. Blige would have been proud by how little drama was involved here.
With the newly aligned teams set, it’s onto the studio for our first game!
First Game: “Gopher Make U Crazy”
The gist? One team acts as gophers, poking their heads up from holes in a central board as they attempt to spit ping pong balls into one of four large containers. One member of the opposing team stands in the middle and plays Whack-An-American while the other four use “flimsy noodles” to swat the ping pong balls away. Um. Wow. Does this show take place in Japan or Bangkok? And what’s up with the Prince-like title?
The outcome? I tried not to look directly at the gameplay, lest I go blind and/or have nightmares for the remainder of my time on this planet. Right around the time host Rome Kanda said, “Nobody can count balls like Judge Bob,” I started pounding the Scotch. But it was the Red Robots that truly started pounding, whupping the Green Tigers 106-66 and claiming their first victory. On top of everything else, Cathy was the MVP, scoring more points than anyone else. I’m sure her kids are proud.
Choice quote? “It’s a good thing Americans are so hard-headed,” show’s producer “Hitting Bobaloo on the head with this hammer was…incredible. Therapeutic.” Dan
The next game starts right away, with both teams wearing mouse ears and noses. Bobaloo looks like the “Before” picture of Mickey Mouse in a South Beach diet commercial. Yikes.
Second Game: “4 Near-Sighted Mice and Big Cheese”
The gist? I’m guessing something got lost in the translations from “3 Blind Mice,” as I don’t remember anything in that story about 4 people wearing myopic lens to impair their vision while trying to load milk from a conveyor belt into a container while a fully-sighted person guided them from on-high like a cheesehead-wearing God. Or maybe I just remember the story wrong. The Red Robots’ advantage from winning the first game? One of the milk catchers doesn’t have to wear boxing gloves to catch the descending cartons.
The outcome? The Green Tigers have an extremely hard time with this game, but then again, it’s not like you can draw on your life experiences in a game like this. The Red Robots are once again much more efficient, and sweep the day’s games. That’s it, I’m taking Cathy to Vegas and she’ll be my personal Rain Man.
Choice quote? “I might eat this suit. It would be the most American thing I’ve eaten since coming to Japan.” Justin, regarding his cheese costume
For their victory, The Red Robots get to ride first-class on a bullet train traveling at 200 MPH and visit “Japan’s most famous restaurant.” What seems like an ordinary restaurant is made special thanks to the fact that actual MONKEYS are the wait staff there. I wonder what Gordon Ramsay would say about that. The Green Robots are given outfits that Megan describes as “‘Karate Kid’ meets ‘Shawshank Redemption,'” which are two of my favorite movies so suddenly I have a crush on Megan. They are charged with building a Zen garden, which is painstaking but miles better than cleaning a subway station.
When it comes time to put two into the elimination game, The Green Tigers send in Brent and Debbie. Why not Bobaloo? Because Machiavellian Megan decided to cast her vote to ensure at least one of her two strongest intra-team competitors would go home. As if you can predict strength in a game that involves flour, oiled up sumo wrestlers, and enough sexual innuendo to make the Bible Belt blush.
Elimination Game: “Big Penguin Belly Flop!”
The gist? Pop balloons by belly flopping on them. Pretty straight forward. I’m waiting for a twist involving anime chicks blowing bubbles at them while chickens do a Riverdance, but it never comes.
The outcome? Breaking the balloon eggs is harder than it looks, which yields some awkward dry humping montages. Brent wins, which yields the first tears of the season from Debbie before she’s hauled away.
Choice quote? “It plays on my strength: jumping on things!” Brent
Are the Red Robots now the team to beat? Leave your thoughts below!
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