If “I Survived A Japanese Game Show” has a villain, it’s Drew. And tonight, said villain was at the center of the show’s action. Justin and self-confessed virgin Dan are concerned with the almost-nookie going down between fellow Red Robots Drew and Jamie, this show’s lame version of Boston Rob and Amber from “Survivor.” But God forbid we spend more time on interpersonal dynamics so we as audience members have time to emotionally invest in the players: IT’S CRAZY WIG TIME ON MAJIDE!
First Game: “Soccer Time with Grandpa!”
The gist? The teams have to kick as many balls into a goal as possible. The twist? They have to wear goggles that all but blind them. Also? The Red Robots have to give someone up to even both sides. They give up Cathy, which makes no sense at all since Cathy has been on the winning team for every game so far on the show. It’s the game show equivalent of ‘N Sync handing Justin Timberlake over to LFO. It makes NO SENSE.
The outcome? Like you have to ask? Cathy, The Human Rabbit’s Foot, leads the Green Tigers to victory, 5-3.
Choice quote? “This is what I’ll look like when I’m 27,” Justin, referring to the balding wig. This prematurely balding blogger wants to thank Justin for ripping that psychological scab open.
It’s right on to Game #2, and it’s time to learn what would happen if Tiger Woods decided to move to Japan and start teaching arts and crafts.
Second Game: “Stuck on Golf!"
The gist? One team hits large balls off a tee affixed to their teammate’s head onto a stick playing field. The other team tries to remove the balls from the playing field while trying to keep a smidge of self-respect stuck to their psyches. The team with the few balls on the Court o’ Glue at the end of the round wins. The Green Tigers’ advantage? One of the Red Robots has to wear shackles around his/her ankles.
The outcome? They weren’t kidding when they said “sticky.” Whatever they put down on the floor is probably used to keep space shuttles intact during lift off. It’s Crazy-Glue with military applications. You’re not gonna believe this, but Cathy’s team wins. AGAIN. Pro wrestling is less fixed than this, I swear.
Choice quote? “It feels like Spider-Man pooped all over me,” Drew. Had this show been on HBO, I’m sure he would have changed that sentence slightly.
As victors, The Green Tigers go on a sake-and-beef bonanza. The Red Robots harvest seaweed and harbor hate for one another. Jamie’s upset because she doesn’t want to go home, and Drew is worried he’ll have to start dry-humping the virginal librarian instead of her. Jamie and Drew don’t engender themselves from Dan and Justin when she SITS IN HIS LAP during the elimination discussion. The would-be couple try to bully Dan into going into the elimination, and the adult language flows as freely as the sake did for the Green Tigers. When the team is unable to decide who will go in, The Green Tigers are asked to make the decision, and they send the love birds into elimination.
Elimination Game: “Stretchy Squid Face!”
The gist? In what sounds like a kinky Tokyo fraternity hazing event, the players must detach hanging squids with only their mouths while wearing pantyhose over their heads. The pantyhose are locking to a fixed position on a wall behind them, making each squid progressively more difficult to bite off. It’s like “The Price is Right” meets “Pulp Fiction” in here. If only Rome Kanda would ask Judge Bob to bring out the gimp, the combo would be complete. I’m going to go call my parents and apologize for…well, I don’t know what, but I feel really dirty.
The outcome? I barely watched, in that it was DISGUSTING to watch these panty-hosed people try and yank the squids out with their mouths. Dear God. Jamie wins, 12-11, and don’t think I’ve seen a group of Americans this happy since USA hockey beat the USSR in the 1980 Olympics. A very “Ding Dong, the Drew is Dead” moment.
Choice moment? Dan’s glee at seeing the bully go home. I kept waiting for him to say, “I bet this is what getting to second base with a girl is like!”
Will anything derail Cathy? Should we just start placing bets in Vegas right now? Leave your thoughts below!