If you’re lucky enough to work for a giant conglomerate, you know that there is a wonderful sense of family that seems to glow from within. Chances are it’s false and has been created by R&D, but it’s the warm feeling that sticks with you once that chemical taste leaves your mouth. And that is why we love Better Off Ted, airing Tuesdays on ABC: It recognizes just how important the individual is in today’s corporate environment. So if you’re part of a team focused on solution-based results for important yet everyday problems, call your co-workers and/or subsidiary temps; we’re throwing a Better Off Ted party!
Setting the scene:
How much more productive could you be with a third arm? The folks at Veridian Dynamics know, and they’re working on not only making it happen but on training a new generation of tailors to suit your needs. Of course, this type of innovation takes place in Veridian’s labs, so let’s focus on decorating as though we are partying in Phil and Lem’s lab. Set up chemistry lab equipment including glass beakers, flasks, test tubes, a Bunsen burner, graduated cylinders, tubing, rubber stoppers, etc. Make sure to put a variety of colored water in the tubes and beakers. Add some mice or lab rats in cages. Hang a sign that says “We’re working on it: Pregnant. Guys.” Make a poster of “Lab Do’s and Don’ts” that includes: “Don’t try to identify a liquid by tasting it – even if it looks exactly like a mint julep,” “Don’t play music in the lab,” “Do occasionally present your lab partner a mint julep,” “Do wear gloves – they’re the underpants of the hands,” “Don’t ever think the lab rats love you,” and “Don’t do experiments without proper ventilation.”
On the menu:
Cowless meat served on plastic trays. Feel free to use tofu and Jell-O to amaze and disgust your guests. Beverages should be served in beakers. (They should include mint juleps.)
On the hi-fi:
9 to 5 by Dolly Parton, Career Opportunities by the Clash, Workin’ for a Livin’ by Huey Lewis and the News, Atom Matter by Tickle Tune Typhoon, Get Your Molecules Movin’ by J.P. Taylor, Lab Safety by the Snark-a-Snoops.
We’ve all heard of better living through chemistry, but what about better dying? Actually, better whole-body suspension through cryogenic storage from the good people at American Cryonics Society. They’ll freeze you but good. Your head, your body … whatever feels right to you. Prices vary. Veridian Dynamics is working on it.