Here are my favorite TV quotes of 2009:
“If Skynet actually did exist in the Future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy all of mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security – i.e.: ‘That’s Summer Glau from ‘The Sarah Conner Chronicles.’ No, Summer! Don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot!’ Pow! Aaaaack!” Sheldon on “The Big Bang Theory.”
“A 12 year old Ben Linus brought me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I’m doing?” Sayid to Sawyer on “Lost.”
“The boat was Plan C. The church was Plan B. Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.” Jim about his wedding to Pam on “The Office.”
“I am a vampire, I’m supposed to be tormented.” Bill to Sookie on “True Blood.”
“I’ve just got one thing to say to you. I’m not that girl. The girl who’s turned on on by this bad boy crap. I’m not skipping home to scribble in my journal that maybe you’re a vampire.” Kat to Patrick on “10 Things I Hate About You.”
“I’m not going to be one of those pathetic girls whose world stops spinning because of some guy.” Elena to her aunt on “The Vampire Diaries.”
“I am so better fit for Yale than that Rory.” Blair on “Gossip Girl.”
“Alright Dr. Cox. Ridiculous name by the way.” Dr. Maddox (played by Courteney Cox) to Dr. Cox on “Scrubs.”
“I’ve got all my starters back plus a couple of first class free agents. I fell like Mike Tomlin. Probably not as much as you but you get the idea.” House to Foreman on “House.”
“Calm down? I’m wearing sunglasses at night. You know who does that? No talented douche bags. I hate this game. I hate that we’re in a procedural cop show. And you wanna know why? Because I hate procedural cop shows. There’s like 300 of them on television and they’re all the freaking same.” Dean to Sam when they get stuck in a “CSI: Miami” type show on “Supernatural.”
“You want me to put on some music? Whenever they do this sort of thing on ‘CSI,’ they always do it to music in poorly lit rooms.” Rick Castle on “Castle.”
“Besides, it’s not that impressive, I solve a case every week…and usually one around Christmas.” Shawn on “Psych.”
“Matthew McConaughey dropped out because I told him he’d have to wear a shirt.” Andrea about why Matthew McConaughey wouldn’t be at her wedding on “Samantha Who?”
“I doubt that Ritchie Rich. You’ve got 90210 written all over your face.” John Cooper to Ben Sherman on his first day as a cop on “Southland.”
“A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show.” Milton (Alan Alda) on “30 Rock.”
“Is it hot in here? Yeah, it must be crazy hot in here, like 98 degrees.” Julian to Brooke and her date, Nick Lachey on “One Tree Hill.”
“I know my methods are extreme. I know I’m not like the rest of you hippies, caring about the kids’ feelings as if they’re real.” Sue to Will on “Glee.”
“OMG, oh my god, LOL, laugh out loud, WTF, why the face.” Phil proving he understands teen lingo on “Modern Family.”
“Irina’s actually a really good designer. The only problem with her is that she’s a bitch.” Nicholas on “Project Runway.”
“I died just like I lived. As the complete and utter center of attention.” Edie’s voice over on “Desperate Housewives.”
“Good to see you Michael. So glad you’re not dead.” Michael’s mom to Michael on “Burn Notice.”
“If I’m dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my memory to the Hamptons and recreating ‘Weekend at Bernies.'” Barney in a video to Ted on “How I Met Your Mother.”
“I cannot have people dying every time I confide in you.” Sookie to Bill on “True Blood.”
“The only thing I want to do besides help people is not kill them.” Zoey on “Nurse Jackie.”
“Let me guess you ran into each other at a support group for women who faked their own deaths.” Michael to Amanda about Sydney and Amanda on “Melrose Place.”
“Look, you know what I can do? I can retask a satellite. I can get level three NSA clearance, but I can’t hack a hick.” Hardison to his team who are upset that he didn’t foresee their cover getting blown by their mark’s cousin on “Leverage.”
“What’s your problem? They run out of black eyeliner at Rebels R Us.” Ethan to Liam on “90210.”
“Peter, don’t be such a prude! I’m sure Agent Dunham knows what a penis looks like! Don’t you agent Dunham?” Walter, in his bath robe, on “Fringe.”
“Oh no the new boss does not find Jim adorable.” Dwight on “The Office.”
“It’s always something with you people.” Rose to Sawyer, Kate and Juliet on “Lost.”
“We both love drama. We both lead pretty dramatic lives.” Brenda to Adriana on “90210.”
“How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?” Michael to Pam and Jim on “The Office.”
“Question 1. Do you want to be a Canadian? Question 2. Really?” Barney’s version of the Canadian citizenship test on “How I Met Your Mother.”
“The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates.” Topher to Barry on “Dollhouse.”
“Oh my god. It’s three years ago. Does that mean I’m still crazy?” House when Cameron and Chase walk in with Foreman on “House.”
“I’m not as easy to ignore as you thought, am I? That’s because I ooze charm.” Sylar to Parkman on “Heroes.”
“But we were done, Tom, we were across the finish line. No more diapers. No more strained carrots. No more reading stupid ‘Good Night, Moon.’ And with Preston going to Europe we even had one moving out! We will never be done if we birth two every time one moves out. That’s just math!” Lynette to Tom on “Desperate Housewives.”
“I care about old people. I watch ‘Desperate Housewives.'” Rebecca to Casey on “Greek.”
“When I hired you to give this place a makeover I didn’t mean smear it with lipstick and turn it into a five dollar hooker. This office pathetic.” Amanda to Caleb on “Melrose Place.”
“This place is better than a telenovela.” Dr. Bailey while visiting Oceanside Wellness on “Private Practice.”
“It’s nice to be the only judge.” Paula Abdul on “Drop Dead Diva.”
“We’re doing a Haunted House this Halloween which is actually kind of spooky because as legend has it on this very site there used to be a productive paper company.” Jim on “The Office.”
“Do you think it’s a bad sign that I can say that out loud and neither of us thinks I’m crazy?” Peter to Olivia on “Fringe” after he tells the theory that the people who are trying to kill her are shape shifters from an alternate universe.
“We’re also kind of enjoying this death struggle over who gets Tommy which is also kind of like fighting over who gets the Ebola virus.” Sheila to Jane on “Rescue Me.”
“Well, how about this? It’s The Suite Life of Zach and Cas.” Dean’s response to Zachariah and Castiel and the Heaven’s green room they were keeping him in on “Supernatural.”
“You smell like a father figure.” J.D. finally getting to hug Dr. Cox on the season finale of “Scrubs.”
“Or maybe we could just go 90210 classic and burn down Frannie’s float Emily Valentine style.” Casey to Ashleigh on “Greek.”
“You’re so great at imagining the worst. That’s part of why you’re good at your job. Try just for a minute. Imagining something better.” Fritz to Brenda about the possibility of them having children on “The Closer.”
“Jesus and I agreed to see other people, that doesn’t mean we still don’t talk from time to time.” Lafayette on “True Blood.”
“Grace, we all deeply regret you having sex.” Adrianne on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.”
“You know what? This is all your dream, right? You gotta hit that center stage and make magic happen in a minute and twenty seconds. And if you don’t…look to the right, look to the left…whoever is better, you’re gonna go home. It’s a tough, type of a season this year.” Paula Abdul’s advice to the contestants on “American Idol.” Oh how I’m going to miss Paula.
“It’s a bromance Turk, you can’t fight it.” J.D. to Turk on “Scrubs.”
“It’s too late for me. My head is her summer house.” Leonard to Penny about his mother on “The Big Bang Theory.”
“I’ve got to make sure that You Tube comes down to tape this.” Michael on “The Office” about his roast.
“They see us as ugly, but I know we are beautiful.” Lexie to Mark on “Grey’s Anatomy.”
“You won’t be the first and you certainly won’t be the last, but you will be the seventh.” Ted hitting on the store’s secret shopper on “Reaper.”
“I’m infected with demon blood. You’ve been to hell. Look, I know you want to think of yourself as Joe the Plumber, but you’re not.” Sam to Dean on “Supernatural.”
“You think I would know what to wear to one of these ‘meet your new half sibling’ shindigs by now.” Sarah on “Brothers & Sisters.”
“I’m Lily and I approve the order of this list.” Lily on “How I Met Your Mother” after Marshall puts Ted calling his ex-girlfriend above Lily getting eaten by a shark on the worst things that could happen list.
“Life’s a test. You, you my boy, you’re passing with flying colors. I couldn’t be more proud.” Eli’s dad to Eli on the series finale of “Eli Stone.”
Exchanges of the Year
“What’s this?” Locke to Richard on “Lost”
“A compass” Richard’s response.
“What’s it do?” Locke’s response.
“It points North, John.” Richard’s answer.
“Are you with the FBI?” President Matobo to Chloe on “24.”
“No, I’m a stay at home mom.” Chloe’s response.
Haven’t you ever had a dream that didn’t come true?” Jeff to Awesome on “Chuck”
“No.” Awesome’s response.
“Carter? Are you the one that got that nurse pregnant and moved her up to Seattle?” Dr. Gates to Dr. Carter on “ER.”
“No, that was somebody else.” Carter’s response.
“How can I be sure where your loyalties really lie?” President Taylor to Jack Bauer on “24.”
“With all due respect Madam President, ask around.” Jack’s response.
“Why do you have a diary?” Michael to Dwight on “The Office.”
“To keep secrets from my computer.” Dwight’s response.
“You used to be this focused driven person. When did you become this girl? Someone who sits around pining and making lists and second guessing your choices. Paging Dr Grey” Ashleigh to Casey on “Greek” when Casey is lamenting choosing between Max and Cappie:
“No, wait, you are more like Joey Potter” Ashleigh
“Well, OK, I get the point.” Casey:
“No, you’re worse. You’re the f-word.” Ashleigh
“Don’t say it.” Casey
“You bitch.” Casey
“Yeah of course I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?” Mary to Marshall on “In Plain Sight.”
“Because you almost never are.” Marshall’s response.
“If you die, I’m going to be really pissed.” Tara to Lafayette on “True Blood”
“Well that makes two of us.” Layfayette’s response.
“Here’s the thing Robert, the thing is this. I am a psychic.” Shawn to a Canadian Mountie on “Psych.”
“We work for the Santa Barbara police department. We’ve solved over 47 cases. I’m also a pharmaceutical representative if that means anything to you.” Gus
“You’ve seen ‘The Mentalist,’ right?” Shawn
“Yes.” Canadian Mountie
“It’s like that.” Shawn
“Except that guy’s a fake.” Gus
“Right, if I were a fake psychic it would be eerily similar.” Shawn
“Exactly the same.” Gus
“A virtual carbon copy.” Shawn. Thanks to Don for the exchange.
“I’m gay.” Kurt to his father on “Glee.”
“I know. I’ve known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. It makes no difference. I love you just the same.” Kurt’s father.
“He might lose his foot.” Kinsey about Guy on “Mad Men.”
“Right when he got it in the door.” Roger Sterling’s response.
“What exactly are you supposed to be?” Alexis to her dad when he dress up like Captain Mal from “Firefly” on “Castle.”
“Space cowboy.” Castle’s response.
“OK, (a) there are no cows in space; (b) didn’t you wear that, like, five years ago?” Alexis
“So, don’t you think you should move on?” Alexis
“No wonder she hates him.” An intern observing Cuddy and House on “House.”
“That’s not hate. It’s foreplay.” Another intern’s response.
“What do we want?” Kenneth to the striking pages on “30 Rock.”
“To get your sandwiches.” The striking pages chant back to Kenneth.
“When do we want it?” Kenneth.
“Whenever it will be convenient for you!” the pages’ response.
“Are you two together?” Suspect to Castle and Beckett on “Castle.”
“Definitely not.” Beckett’s response.
“Not yet.” Castle’s response.
“What year is it?” Arcane to Echo on “Dollhouse.”
“2010, I think. We don’t know how long we’ve been off the air.” Echo’s response.
Those were my favorite TV quotes of the year. What were your? Post them below.
That’s all for today. I won’t have a column on Friday because it’s New Year’s Day. As we say goodbye to 2009, I want to thank you for reading my blog every week. I wouldn’t be able to write this column if it wasn’t for all of you. Thanks for your posts, your tweets and your emails. Agree with me or disagree with me, I always like reading what you have to say. I’ll be back next Monday, January 4 when we return to our regularly scheduled TV Gal column. I’ll talk about the return of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” and “Make It or Break It,” the plethora of guest stars coming to ABC Wednesday night comedies and more. Have a question? Seen a familiar face? Want to nominate a quote of the week or a topic for discussion? Write me at email@example.com or follow me on Twitter. I hope you all have a happy and safe New Year. I look forward to talking TV with you in 2010.
Amy Amatangelo, TV Gal