Yesterday we brought you The Crazy Bachelorettes. Today we’ve got The Desperate Bachelorettes — Kathryn, Ashley and Christina.
“How is ‘crazy’ different from ‘desperate,'” you ask? With desperate, you’re weirded out — not sleeping with one eye open. Here are our early picks for the Desperate (wannabe) Housewives.
Kathryn, 25, flight attendant, Lexington, KY
First of all, Kathryn arrived in a short, flouncy purple dress. That’s not desperate, we just didn’t like it. What made her one of the desperate ones was her fake ring that she got from her fake fiancée. No, we’re not kidding. She wore it to her first meeting with Jake and told him that she finally now feels comfortable taking it off. That’s… nice? No, it’s weird.
Jillian actually liked Kathryn, but Jillian also kept jerk Wes and jerk Dave around way longer she should have so her opinion hardly counts.
Ashley, 29, teacher, Pittsburgh, PA
Awww, a teacher! That’s so great! Except when she dresses up like a slutty flight attendant and steals Jake away from the woman he’s talking to. We realize the first night pares 25 women down to 15 so you have to be memorable but if you aren’t memorable just being yourself, do you really think Jake’s the guy for you?
Leave the slutty Halloween costumes at home, Ashley. You’re not a 19 year-old Sigma Chi Delta anymore.
Christina, 25, restaurant manager, San Diego, CA
Christina brings bags of jelly beans for each of the contestants and calls them “parting gifts” because she’s going to win. A clever ice-breaker that could’ve been really funny and cute — except Christina can’t quite pull it off.
She presents these gifts in such a way that she comes off as insecure and threatened, like a little girl trying to make a big girl joke. She also cannot stop obsessing about the other women’s cleavage. This is “The Bachelor,” not “Therapy.” Take your neuroses elsewhere, Christina.
Tomorrow: The Favorites