Well, I sometimes postpone ideas for later use on the “Lost” blog, but this one might take the cake. Eight months after promising it, I bring unto you Act 5 of our musical “South by South Pacific.” I’d love to say that I chose the number of months to coincide with the mythical Numbers of the show, but even I can’t attribute the delay to the will of the Island. I was going to drop this in March, but then I went out for some pizza and apparently got really, really distracted.
But here’s the good news: it’s finally done, and it’s big. Huge. So big that I’m dropping it over two days. Today, we’ll cover Season 5 through “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham,” and later this week we’ll take it on home through “The Incident.” You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll bloop.
Let’s get it started.
After Ben turned the donkey wheel, chaos reigned on the Island as the survivors of Oceanic 815 and remaining Freighter Four try to come to grips with what’s happening.
Sawyer: Look, all I need to do is find me a shirt and I can figure out while that burning pillar of smoke in the distance vanished as soon as the sky turned on its high beams.
Rose: It’s God’s flashlight, I’m telling you.
Bernard: What happened to our camp? Where did it go?
Faraday: Look, there’s no time to explain. I didn’t bring flashcards with me to try and explain high level physics to you all.
Frogurt: I’m flaming mad right now. Literally.
Sawyer: Listen here, Mr. Wizard: you better start explaining things nice and simple. Or slaps will be delivered.
Juliet: OK, let’s all just settle down now. Dan, please explain things in a way we can understand.
Faraday: If it means Sawyer will stop slapping me, fine.
(To the tune of Dead or Alive’s ” You Spin Me Round (Like a Record).”)
Daniel: Yeah I, I think I know this game
Well and I, I’ll calculate the time jump baby
Sawyer: All I know is my head hurts
Miles: Betcha my headache exceeds
Juliet: Pull it all together now
Charlotte: My nose bleeds (nose bleeds)
Daniel: Well I…I can’t explain this to you
(just no time to review)
And I, I have to find something man-made quickly!
(maybe a hatch will do)
Sawyer: Hey, just slow down now, Mr. Wiz
Miles: Calm down, let’s just take a breath
Juliet: Here comes one more flash of light
Charlotte: This whole place is death!
Daniel: We’re spinning through space and through time
Like a record, baby
We’re dislodged, flashing with no rhyme
Or no reason, baby
Meanwhile, off the Island, the group soon to be known as the Oceanic 6 are plotting out their lie to tell the world after departing Des and Penny aboard The Searcher.
Hurley: Dude, why are we lying to the world about what happened?
Jack: Because Charles Widmore won’t stop looking for the Island. And because I’m already all in on this crazy plan, and if I start to think I made a mistake, I’m going to add “pill popping” to my interests on Facebook.
Sayid: Also, telling the truth will make us all sound as crazy-go-nuts as you, Hugo.
Hurley: But it’s gone! It went poof! It went…well, you know…
(To the tune of Salt-N-Pepa’s “Shoop.”)
Hurley: Here we go, here we go, here we go again
Who moved the Island? Ben! OK then
Chillin’, chillin’, here on Penny’s boat
Sittin’ around and we gotta take a vote
The truth? A lie? You gotta believe me
I cannot tell a fib, that way rolls not this Hurley
Once back home this will eat me from inside
Back to Santa Rosa I probably will hide
Oh, crazy, crazy, crazy Hugo
Looks like he’ll return so why don’t you go
Raise Turnip Head like he was your own
What do I care, just don’t answer the phone
Voices coming from the Island will be heard
And your own sanity lined will be blurred
But if that’s what you want, heck, don’t keep me in the loop
Just remember when it’s done that the Island went bloop, bloop, bloop…
Back on the Island, those left behind find themselves surrounded my military personnel. With the flashes increasingly affecting their health, they try and take stock of not only where, but when they are.
Charlotte: Anyone got any Excedrin? Cuz I’ve got a headache THIS BIG.
Miles: Sawyer said to meet by the creek, so hopefully he didn’t get Frogurt’ed on the way there.
Faraday: Nice attitude, Miles. That’s exactly the kind of negative spin we don’t need. Miles? Miles, what are you looking at?
Miles: No one move!
Red Shirt 815er: What’s that? I couldn’t hear you over all my movement.
(To the tune of Outkast’s “Bombs over Baghdad.”)
Faraday: It’s not rational, we’ve been found
Soldiers round and we’re now on the ground
A redshirt tripped a wire when he should have stayed
Set off the grenades
Who are they? I am unprepared
I know where, but when is in the air
For Char trying to stay brave
While marching slowly over a mass grave
So now we sittin’ in a pitched-up Army tent
Trying to throw them off the scent
Must figure out a way to circumvent
I think I know the year this represents
One-nine-five-four and I propose a quid pro quo
To help my friends you see
Though I know the consequences for messing are stressing
Me out, I notice a detail
Radiation burns making them pale
Hot! An H-bomb making them frail
They still believe my tall tale
Maybe yet I can avail
I veil this an Army matter
Making up some classified chatter
Insist the bomb could suddenly shatter
They have questions, I have the answer
Cure for leaking, problem fades
Lest this become the end of days
Ellie leads me, something’s wrong
Feels like I’ve known her all along
Before my feelings completely sour
I see it there, hanging in a tower
Oh no, Dan-O, let your brain breathe
That leak you must explore
Don’t leave this thang o
ut, you’ll see a mushroom bang
Bomb’s name is Jughead! Yea!
Don’t leave this thang out, you’ll see a mushroom bang
Bomb’s name is Jughead! Yea!
Off the Island, Ben has been recruiting the Oceanic 6 to return to the Island in the wake of Locke’s death. A small majority eventually meet up at a church in Los Angeles.
Ben: …and the funny thing is, since I turned the donkey wheel, it seems that I hear a lot of hip hop. Strange.
Sun: Stop with the distractions, Ben. Where is my husband?
Ben: Are you physically capable of saying anything else anymore? Honestly. You were scaring the crap out of me there for a while. And I don’t scare easily. But now, you’re like a cast member of “The Real Housewives of New Otherton.”
Jack: Look, we’re all here now, let’s just get this over with. Wait, is that Desmond?
Des: When I said “see you in another life, brutha,” I meant it as a figure of speech. I’m here to see Daniel Faraday’s mom. You?
Jack: We’re going back to the Island to save our friends. That whole leaving thing? Guess I was wearing my Bad Idea Jeans back then.
Ben: Let’s get going. I don’t wanna spend anymore time with this woman than I have to.
Sun: What woman?
Eloise: Yoo hoo, dearies!
(To the tune of Shakira and Wyclef Jean’s “Hips Don’t Lie.”)
Eloise: Welcome to the church tonight
New sighting, new sighting
We got the Oceanic 6 up in here
New sighting, new sighting
You never really knew there was a place like this
All these monitors, they make a list
Of the time and the place of the Island appearing
Desmond: Hey lady when you talk like that
You make a brutha go mad
I’m done with the Island
My suffering there you embody
Eloise: I tell you tonight
That my lips don’t lie
You all need to be on that flight
Now think faction, not fraction
Or suffer a bad chain reaction.
Back on the Island, Locke becomes convinced that he has to return to the source of the time flashes in order to stop them. He managed to lower himself into the icy cave to turn the donkey wheel, but doing so proves to be harmful, and ultimately, fatal.
(To the tune of Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida.”)
Locke: I looked into the eye
Of the Island, but was that a lie?
To be there was my destiny
Free from wheelchairs and Anthony
I jumped to sand from ice
Widmore gave me suspicious advice
All six refused to my chagrin
I guess I should have learned to grow a thick skin
I needed them to hear my plea
But their backs all turned from me
Their friends will suffer if they don’t return
Well you’d think they would show a bit more concern
Ben: I heard the sound of an AmEx ringing
Jack’s flying up there, a stiff drink clinging
Though you sit before me wheeled
The mission for us is now revealed
We’ll get them all onto a plane
So let’s go, but however…clever…my blood just curled
A familiar name I’ve heard.
Part 2 coming later this week!
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