Yes, it only took me 10 minutes of watching “Conveyor Belt of Love” to learn eight things about the never-ending dance between men and women. Or, in this case, the never-ending assembly line.
And really, 10 minutes is about all you needed to grasp the subtleties of this (oh please let it be just a) one-off show from ABC: Guy comes down belt, five women make a snap judgment (with two-sided paddles that read “interested” or “not interested”) about him, guy stays or goes away depending on said paddle, viewer loses interest quickly.
So this is what I picked up:
– Milk baths are gross. That was the opinion of at least two of the five women who dispatched a guy just as I clicked over from (no kidding) “This Emotional Life” on PBS (which was somewhat interesting but was not as compelling a show as I’d hoped it would be).
– One woman’s creep in a Speedo cradling his dog is another woman’s “golden statue” in a Speedo cradling his dog. “Another woman” in this case is Keiko, who says of Johnny Pride, the aforementioned dog-cradler, “I think it’s cute that he’s so, like, close with his dog. … He’s hot.”
– Keiko, however, was nonplussed by the guy who has a one-man show called “How to Become a Man in 127 Easy Steps,” which somehow involves hanging off a Cirque du Soleil-style ribbon for a good portion of it. Keiko doesn’t like all his talking, but Jenn is into his slightly nerdy charms. Score one for the slightly awkward.
– Giving a girl “sex eyes” might work — as it did for a dude in a suit named Ryan on Dalet, seated in the middle of the five women — but you really, really shouldn’t call them “sex eyes.”
– Nunchucks OR dancing. Not both. This was a guy named Reginald’s downfall.
– Don’t lead with the fact that you like to date “in the cougar bracket,” which according to Demetri Martin-wannabe Kevin is “over 32.” I have no idea how old any of these women are, but if they’re under 32, he’s just disqualified them, and if they’re not, he probably just insulted them.
– Dalet is fickle. She runs through three guys in 10 minutes.
– One guy starts howling from offstage, then proclaims “I HATE BEING BORED!” when the belt stops. I know the feeling, pal, which is why the conveyor belt of my remote is moving on to “SportsCenter.”
Photo credit: ABC