It’s a “Bachelor” bloodbath as Jake knocks off more pretty girls than Jason Voorhies.
Chris Harrison informs the ladies of a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date this week. Dun dun dun! That’s the one where the non-chosen lady is
taken out and shot sent home.
Harrison then tells them to load up in two giant RVs. Oh lord. If I was on this show and I hadn’t shot myself in the face yet, loading up in a motor home with these ladies would definitely do it. Also, they are leaving the Bunny Ranch for good when they leave in the RVs.
The girls split up Gia-Corrie-Ashleigh-Vienna and Ali-Tenley-Ella-Kathryn-Jessie. I think my ideal RV would be Corrie, Ali, Tenley, Ella. I don’t like Vienna or Gia, Ashleigh and Kathryn annoy me and Jessie’s said like two words so far, so I don’t know about her.
Jake rides his Macho Motorcycle to a vineyard where he’s “set up camp.” Uh, you mean the production crew set up camp and filmed you riding for 10 seconds. The girls arrive at the vineyard and maul Jake with hugs.
Gia gets the one-on-one date. I think someone should get to pinch Gia every time she says the word “like.” She’s like half a step from “Jersey Shore.” I’m not a fan. They play hide n seek in the vineyard. Except Gia apparently doesn’t understand the “hide” part. Whatever.
Picnic time. Gia and Jake share high school dating horror stories. Jake’s first kiss wasn’t until 11th grade! Awww. Gia’s was during a Spin the Bottle game, so she and Jake decide to play. First is cheek, second is lips, third is a big ol’ wet one. Maybe I’m just crabby tonight, but this is the barf-worthiest date EVER.
After the picnic, they go to a bonfire and make smores and snuggle and her accent grates on her more and they talk about engagement and blahblahblah barfcakes. Ugh, “important” has a T in it. It’s not “Impordant.” Blech.
Back at the Bunny RV, the group date is Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie, which leaves Ella and Kathryn for the two-on-one date. I call right now that Kathryn goes home. Jake has barely interacted with her so far.
The RVs are rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ to Pismo Beach. Vienna talking-heads that Jake is “her boyfriend,” so she doesn’t want to go on a group date. Okay, that’s a little cuckoopants and makes her sound like a 13-year-old girl, which is nothing new.
The date sees the girls cutting loose in dune buggies. OMG, I am jealous! How much fun would that be?!?! Ali calls shotgun in Jake’s buggie (not a euphemism) and the other girls are not thrilled. Corrie drives one and really tears it up. Jessie is totally timid and gets stuck.
Then it’s time for sand surfing and Tenley and Jake go tumbling down the hill. Love her, Jake. Love her! Pick Tenley! There is then a sunset picnic, very nice. Jake then invites everybody to roll down the hill and Corrie is the only one who will. Weak. That looks fun!
They head to a place “celebrities go to,” according to Tenley. She’s the cutest. The girls get cleaned up in their suite at the Madonna Inn and head to dinner. Ashleigh takes her alone time and rubs all over Jake while giving a talking-head about how she would never be so desperate as the other girls with her physical affection. Oh, you wily editors! You’ve won me back after your “Tenley’s pregnant” shenanigans. Jake says he doesn’t feel any chemistry with Ashleigh in a voiceover (as Ashleigh’s butt hangs out of her dress, geez).
Jake then asks Vienna for alone time and she says she wants to go last. Ali rightly cannot believe her. Seriously, who died and made Vienna the Queen of the World? Ali takes her alone time and bugs Jake about roses, which is a little desperate. Just talk to him, leave the rose crap out of it, weirdo.
Tenley takes her alone time and Jake lays in her lap as they talk about her previous marriage and how she hasn’t dated since then. There is then some pretty heavy smooching. Jake talks to Vienna about how she brings the girls’ reactions to her on herself because she’s different with them than she is with him. Oh, SNAP! C’mon, Jake. Send her home. Send her home!
Jake then reconvenes the group and gives the rose to Tenley. Wow, that’s two times she’s been singled out for a rose (she got the First Impression Rose too). YAY! Team Tenley! Ashleigh is “shocked” and Corrie says she thinks he likes Tenley more than he likes her. Well, duh.
Kathryn says Jake might be her soulmate. You sure you have room with that fake fiancee of yours? They go to a dinner in his cabin for the date. Ella starts talking about what she wants in a partner and Kathryn tries to interrupt and Ella just keeps right on going. Kathryn says she was frustrated that Jake was paying so much attention to Ella. She gets a little whiny about not getting enough attention. I mean, I know they can’t SAY this but… can’t you tell there’s nothing there? WE can tell.
Ella gets alone time and they talk about Ethan and how great he is but Ella wants to assure Jake that she’s more than a mom. She’s the whole package. Rowr. Jake talking-heads about how hard it’s going to be to cut someone, but I think that’s hooey. Kathryn’s gone.
Kathryn takes her alone time and Jake says he gets “lost in her eyes.” Debbie Gibson immediately starts singing in my head. Man, I loved that song as a kid (still do, matter of fact). Anyway, Kathryn is all mad about being ignored and she kinda ruins her alone time by bitching about it. How about instead of complaining, you enjoy your alone time and try to make an impression? She then demands he ask her some questions because they don’t have a lot of time. Wow, nothing like complaining and then getting all shrill. He’s sure to keep you now!
Later, Jake takes some contemplative time and then asks to talk to Ella alone. He then sends her home because his feelings aren’t as strong for her as they are for the other women. Wow, I’m surprised! I thought for sure she was good to go. She seems to take it okay and he seems genuinely sorry. Jake then sends Kathryn home too!
TWIST! This must be part of the sending-home-four-women thing? Jake really is a Maverick. He plays by his OWN rules. Chuck Norris should play Jake, not the other way around. Jake talking-heads that he’s so sad but that he knows neither one of them is right for him. Yeah, I would agree with that. Jake then dramatically burns the rose he was supposed to give one of them. That’s a bit much.
Back at the Bunny RVs, the women see both Ella and Kathryn’s bags get taken away and are shocked and maybe crying? Again: bit much. Two birds, one stone, ladies! Big picture!
The RVs take the girls to Montalvo arts center for the Cocktail Party. All the girls think the one girl left going home is Vienna. Fingers crossed! Corrie, Ali and Jessie get their alone time. The only real notable thing that happens is that Jessie tells him that Vienna is the wrong girl for him because she’s self-centered, spoiled and immature. Yeah, that sounds about right. How does it feel to be on the other side, Jake? You all hate Wes and try to tell Jillian, now the girls all hate Vienna and try to tell you. And just like Jillian, you won’t listen.
Vienna takes her alone time and says that the girls don’t like her because she’s a threat and that they don’t understand that she jokes all the time
. Yeah, that’s not it. Meanwhile, Ali vows that if she gets a rose, she will accept it gracefully but if Vienna gets a rose, Ali will then have a conversation with Jake that he would never expect. You go, Ali!
Tenley and Gia already have roses. Jake gets choked up talking about how hard the Rose Ceremonies are for him. He then gives roses to… Ali, Corrie… and then Jake takes a moment to go ask Chris Harrison if he has to give out both of the roses he has left. Scandal. Chris Harrison tells Jake that he’s here to find a wife and that he’s serious about it, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants.
So Chris takes one of the roses away. There is now one rose left for Ashleigh, Jessie and Vienna. Give it to Jessie! Give it to Jessie! Unfortunately, he gives it to Vienna. Ugh. Jessie doesn’t look particularly surprised, but Ashleigh looks pretty gobsmacked and/or pissed off. Ali is mad that Vienna is still there, saying, “If that’s what he wants, I am not what he wants.” Amen, sister. How could Jake like Jillian and like Vienna so much? In their exit interviews, Ashleigh and Jessie are both pretty surprised that he picked Vienna over them.
Next week: San Francisco! And Vienna makes a desperado move where she surprises Jake in bed.
Thoughts & Tidbits
- I can’t believe we’re down to the Final Five already. Didn’t this show start like a week ago?
- The outtakes with the Bachelorettes are SO much lamer than last season’s outtakes with the Bachelors. Girls are boring. The raccoons totally stole the moment. Get ’em, raccoons! Get ’em!
Photo credit: ABC