There was a time when Jessica Simpson was the butt of jokes – her blond tresses foreshadowing a life of wrong answers. But thanks to her new show, Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty, airing Mondays on VH1, it looks as if our former poor man’s Britney Spears might just regain solid footing and show inner depth. In fact, we’re willing to bet this week’s party on it. So if you love pop princesses making a comeback, call your friends and neighbors, because we’re throwing a Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty party!
Setting the scene:
America can be fickle when it comes to beauty. We want fat sucked out of one place only to have it put somewhere else. We’ll dye our hair, paint our eyes and do crunches until you can actually see the carrot stick we had for dinner. But the rest of the world seems to have its own hang-ups as well, so let’s create a studio where guests can experiment with what counts as beauty in places such as Japan, Thailand (long necks are hot), Morocco, Brazil (thick and tan), Paris (skinny is in) and Uganda (fat is beauty). Set up a makeup station with the tools to re-create the geisha look (they use bird poop to remove that makeup); and a wardrobe section where guests can try on kimonos, saris or Thai wrap dresses. Contact a local spa and have them offer authentic foreign beauty routines such as Thai massages and mud wraps, and then fill a tub with fish and offer fish pedicures! Don’t forget to have a ProActiv section along with Jessica’s wig line with Ken Paves. Party favors can include Simpson CDs and DVD sets of “The Newlyweds.”
While there’ll be plenty of ethnic clothing options to try on, guests should do their best to dress from head to toe in the Jessica Simpson Collection, which features everything from fragrances to lingerie to luggage.
On the menu:
Models in Paris might prefer to dine on cigarettes and coffee, but the women of Uganda go into fattening huts before marriage because big is beautiful over there. Let’s embrace the fattening hut and dine on Texas barbecue replete with all the fixin’s.
On the hi-fi:
John Mayer? OK, that was mean. How about we stick with Simpson’s catalog of work?
While America as a whole seems to have already embraced the concept of the fattening hut, the truth is that in the beauty industry, everyone could stand to eat a cookie. So let’s build an actual Ugandan fattening hut on the front lawn and add a sign that reads “Jessica’s Guilt-Free Zone.” Then fill with Hostess Cup Cakes.