In tonight’s “Supernatural,” called “Hammer of the Gods,” it’s another dark and stormy night and another cheap (and closed and kinda wrecked) motel, this time in Muncie, Ind.
A curious cop looks around — and a pretty plant comes back to life. Normally that would be a happy thing, but this is “Supernatural,” where all happiness exists only to be crushed under the scaly foot of demonic forces.
Boom! Crackly glass. Oops, scary dude in a tux, who’s preparing for guests. Apparently the cop’s invited also — as the main course.
The Elysian Fields Hotel is looking a bit spiffier now, tres moderne. Tuxedo Guy is at the desk, handing the Winchester boys their room keys and admittance to the all-you-can-eat buffet. There’s that sexy brunette Cylon chick from “Battlestar Galactica”! Dean gives her a glancing pass, which she deflects. He then sits with Sam, who’s his usual grumpy worrying self.
Back in the kitchen, the cop’s just fallen to pieces.
Dean grooves on their swanky room (which includes porn on demand), but Sam’s suspicious — as well he should be, because something starts crashing through the TV wall. The boys head next door, which is empty but looks post-hanky-panky.
Back at the desk, Tuxedo Guy says they were honeymooners, but oops, they’re gone, and they left the ring behind.
Dean’s now suspicious as well. Sam tries to follow Tuxedo Guy, and winds up with the same “shaving nick” as Dean (oh, yeah, he had that at the desk). Meanwhile, Dean interrupts a elephant that turns into large man in a towel, and Sexy Cylon is cuddling with a Eurotrash Guy.
Tuxedo Guy — heretofore known as Mercury, and yep, he’s quick — presents Sexy Cylon with the boys’ blood samples.
The boys head back to the lobby, which is now deserted. I’m getting a whole “Hotel California” vibe here, but Dean goes for the roach-motel reference. You say tomato …
In the kitchen, the boys find veggies and a bubbling pot … with eyeballs in it. So much for the porn, eh?
Sam peeks into the freezer and finds a prisoner, but before he can be freed, goons dump the boys into a party with — according to the “Hello, I Am …” stickers — Ganesh (dude in the towel) Odin, Kali the Destroyer (Sexy Cylon), Baldur (Eurotrash) and Baron Samedi (it’s a voodoo thing),
And then Mercury shows up with our unfortunate local LEO, on a platter.
Turns out it’s all in honor of our boys!
Baldur clinks the small-g god convention into order. They’re gathered because the “Judeo-Christian Apocalypse” is looming, and the Old Guard must set aside their differences to keep the world going. The plan is to bargain, using Michael’s and Lucifer’s vessels (guess who) as the chips.
Chinese god Zao Shen, suggests death, Ganesh reminds him that the angels could just resurrect them, and Odin starts lecturing on Norse mythology. He and Zao Shen then get into a semidivine pissing fight over whose mythology is better, but Kali calls an end to the in-fighting. She decides that the boys must be destroyed (duh, of course she does).
Mercury wants to negotiate — yeah, that doesn’t go over well. She does a Darth Vader on him and nearly throttles him at the table.
Then the door swings open, and in strolls the Angel Gabriel , a k a The Trickster, and he silences the boys. Oh, Baldur calls Gabriel Loki. Whatever he’s called, he’s there to talk about not being able to stop the Apocalypse. But first, he zaps the boys elsewhere.
They are freaked for a moment, but Gabriel shows up, claiming innocence and an intention to rescue the boys. He informs them that the end is nigh, but not that nigh, and besides, he’s got a thing for Kali. Dean wants to split, but Kali’s holding the boys in a blood spell. Gabriel has a way out, but he doesn’t want to take the hostages in the freezer.
Oh, and the Loki thing? Gabriel’s undercover, and Dean threatens to reveal his angelic identity unless he helps them rescue the innocent.
But first, Gabriel tries for a little romance with Kali.
The boys head out, just in time to see another soul from the freezer butchered.
Back in the lovenest, Gabriel wants to “check out Pandora,” but he’d settle for talking Kali out of fighting angels. She is not dissuaded. She also claims not to still love him, right before sucking face.
Down in the kitchen, the boys zap Zao Shen, while Kali, not fooled for a minute, puts the blood spell on Gabriel.
And then it’s a promo for “Ghostfacers”! Yep, it’s a Web series now.
Back at Motel Hell, the gang’s all together, and Kali manages to find Gabriel’s, er, blade, uncovering his secret.
“So, I got wings, like Kotex!” he says. Heh. He claims to only want to help, to prevent the gods from being destroyed. Kali accuses him of Western spiritual imperialism, of forgetting that all the small-g gods were there first, and they get dibs on its destruction (well, she would say that).
Then she stabs poor Gabriel with his own blade. Baldur looks kind of exited.
Now that she knows angels can die, she’s sure that Lucifer will be a cakewalk.
Dean rises to talk some sense into these “primitive screwheads,” letting them know that even though he’d ordinarily kill them, instead he’s going to help them kill Lucifer. But first they have to empty the freezer.
As the now-former lunchmeat sprints out the front door, Gabriel pipes up from the back of the Impala. Dean gets in, and learns that Kali got a fake sword that Gabriel made from a can of Diet Orange Slice (big can). He wants Dean to get all of their blood samples back, but Dean would rather recruit Gabriel and the real sword to kill Lucifer.
But Gabriel still doesn’t want to commit fratricide. Well, who does, on this show? Not Dean or Sam — not so far, anyway.
Dean comes back in and spills the truth about Gabriel, which royally pisses off Kali. But back at the main desk, Lucifer — looking way the worse for wear — asks Mercury to check him in. Turns out Merc put in a call to the Dark Lord because he’s a little worried about the gods’ plans. Lucifer isn’t impressed with the small-gs, and he starts with offing Mercury.
More of the gods come pouring out, and Lucifer splats them all over the walls. Then he arrives in the ballroom with Baldur, Kali and the boys. Baldur gets shirty, and then gets gutted for his trouble. Kali gets all flamey-hands, but that doesn’t have much of an effect. Then Lucifer socks her a good one.
The boys are hiding behind a table, but Gabriel (real sword in hand) appears just in time to hand Dean something to guard and to keep Kali from getting stomped, saying, “Lucy, I’m home.” Heh.
Lucifer’s disappointed that Gabriel fell for Kali, but Gabriel isn’t very impressed with Lucifer and his whiny Daddy issues. Lucifer was the favored son, but he couldn’t stand it when the “new baby” arrived (fellow humans, I think he means us).
While the angelic brothers square off, the boys and Kali take off in the Impala.
Back inside, Gabriel informs Lucifer that he likes humans better than him, and in fact, he likes humans better than angels in general. Lucifer calls them “flawed” and “abortions,” but Gabriel says that’s wh
at he likes about them, that they try to do better and forgive.
He warns Lucifer that he”s on humanity’s side, but Lucifer knows all of Gabriel’s tricks, like that the one facing him isn’t real, but that the one behind him with the sword is. But it’s Gabriel who winds up stabbed and truly dead this time (with sooty wings).
Oh, now we have a red screen and a porno warning for a movie called “Casa Erotica 13,” starring a cute blonde and … Gabriel. Turns out the porno, playing on the boys’ laptop on the roof of the Impala, is the thing that Dean was told to protect.
Gabriel talks to the boys out of the movie, telling them that he’s dead, and therefore they now have zero chance of killing Lucifer. But, since the cage he was sprung from is still somewhere Down Below, he can be put back inside.
It won’t be easy, and it still involves dodging Michael, but the keys to the cage, four rings, are out there on the fingers of the Four Horsemen. Gather them all, and you’ve got the cage.
I smell a finale coming on!
Dean recalls that they have two of the rings already — War’s and Famine’s — so all they need are the ones belonging to Pestilence and Death.
Hey, it’s a plan.
Meanwhile, at a country store, flies heralds the arrival of Pestilence, played by MATT FREWER! I LOVE MATT FREWER! Sorry. Anyway, he’s just spreading nasty disease everywhere, especially on the flu meds. Then he spats the poor dude behind the counter. This is like “The Stand,” only nastier.
BTW, did you know that Matt Frewer was in the 1994 TV miniseries version of “The Stand”? Yes, indeed, he played a pyromaniac who served the Dark Man (sort of a Lucifer Jr.), who was bringing about a post-Apocalyptic Apocalypse. Genius casting.
Anyhoo, Pestilence gets back into his car, with Nevada plates that read “SIKN TRD,” and there’s that ring (FYI, the final battle in “The Stand” was in Las Vegas. Wouldn’t it be great if this one was, too?).
Man, I hope the boys dunk that ring in Purell if they get their hands on it.
Only three episodes left …