In the penultimate “Glee” of the season, our heroes take a detour to Funkytown on the road to Regionals. Oh, and Will and Sue almost make out. That must’ve been pretty exciting for the five of you who write Will/Sue fanfiction.
Dueling Glee Clubs: Jesse, in what he describes as some sort of egotistical hissy fit, transferred back to Carmel High, returning to McKinley only to participate in Vocal Adrenaline’s annual intimidation ritual. And seriously, can we have a Queen episode next season? Please? Because Vocal Adrenaline’s version of “Another One Bites the Dust,” while no “Somebody to Love,” is pretty freaking sweet.
Later, Jesse lures Rachel to the parking lot, where Vocal Adrenaline springs out and eggs her. One girl: “I hear you’re a vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now.” Aw, come on! I think I speak for vegans everywhere when I say UNCOOL. Jesse hesitates, telling Rachel he loved her (uh-HUH), but cedes to the peer pressure and smashes an egg on her forehead. And now she has nightmares about vengeful hens! Those better have been free range eggs, at least…
Will’s peaceful solution is for New Directions to school Vocal Adrenaline in the auditorium, laying down some P-Funk. Funk, you see, is VA’s greatest weakness. They lack the soul to properly express their feelings through music, which is apparently what funk is all about. And here I thought it was about sex and dancing and awesomeness. ND’s varied outfits and dance solos emphasize the difference between ND’s individuals and VA’s cyborgs. Or, as the lead VA girl puts it, “soulless automatons.” Well, at least they know it. And for the first time, they’re scared.
She’s baaaack: Will and Terri finalize their divorce with minimal hesitation, but maximal sad looks. When Puck and Finn need a job to pay for the damages of a prank against Vocal Adrenaline, they get jobs working for Terri at
Linens Sheets ‘n Things. The sole high point of this subplot is when they lead the Linens ‘n Things crowd in “Loser” before Terri interrupts their fantasy with muzak and fantasies of her own.
Let’s put the pieces together, shall we? She still sees Will as a 16-year-old boy. She didn’t want to divorce Will. She resolves to make a fresh start, with the first step being to help 16-year-old Finn with his glee club homework. Ewwww. Finn doesn’t really help matters: “You’d be a total MILF if it weren’t for the whole faking-the-mother thing.” Right, that small detail…
Quinn gets funky: When Will tasks the kids with creating funk numbers, Quinn insists upon doing a song in addition to Mercedes. And yeah, I suppose she does have plenty to be angry about. She’s recruited some fellow unwed mothers to very weirdly express their anger through “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World.” It’s basically a lot of pregnant teens dancing around, rubbing their hands over their stomachs and doing Lamaze breathing while Quinn does a solid, but not standout job on lead vocals. Not to be harsh — she’s good — it just wasn’t the best idea for them to directly invite the comparison to Mercedes, that’s all.
Quinn can’t believe Mercedes has to put up with nasty looks and comments from people all the time, and wonders how it doesn’t make her constantly furious. Well, she does seem pretty angry sometimes… At any rate, Mercedes unexpectedly offers Quinn a safe place to dig through her hurt and rage without the judgy presence of Puck’s mother. Roomies! I did NOT see that coming. Though without Quinn under the same roof, I wonder if Puck will get into even more trouble with the ladies.
Will’s a super freak: Rachel is understandably upset about Jesse, convinced it was a giant diabolical plan. Not a plan to introduce her to her mother, mind you; a plan to sabotage New Directions by breaking the star’s heart. Will takes this plan and runs with it, seducing Sue with a sexed-up rendition of one of my favorite funk songs: “Tell Me Something Good.” He’s no Chaka Khan, but he can most definitely shake that thang. And then he’s all, “Was I … too dirty?” Ha! Sue is hilariously uncomfortable, but feigns boredom.
Later, in her journal (opposite an illustration of Will’s head being chopped off, captioned “nice hair”), Sue admits to having “sexy, non-murdering feelings” for Will. He seals the deal with appletini-flavored carbo-gels and a sexy speech about their irresistible chemistry. And honestly, no one could’ve resisted that performance for long, carbo-gels or no. She agrees to dinner! Will: “Oh, and you know what Wednesday is, right? Hump day.” Subtle.
When Will stands her up, Sue sits alone at Breadstix (love it) in her tracksuit and pearls before storming over to Will’s apartment and berating him for humiliating her in public. He’s all, “I learned it from watching you!” It’s a harsh speech, and she doesn’t correct him aside from pointing out that she’s mean to everyone, not just kids. That’s fair.
Shocker of all shockers, there’s a little backlash. The cheerleaders go to pieces when Sue won’t get out of bed — there’s general depression, sure, but several will even lose their college scholarships if they don’t go to Nationals. Will goes to visit Sue at home, where it’s difficult to move without knocking over a trophy. She tells him she wants someone to come home to every night, rather than devoting her life to the Cheerios. “And though I completely loathe you, you’d make a great trophy husband.” This, as she’s hugging a trophy. Ha. He apologizes, reminds her of how much she loves her kids, and hands her a bullhorn.
And of course, Sue wins her sixth consecutive national title, partly thanks to Kurt’s 14 1/2-minute Celine Dion medley — in French. What I wouldn’t pay to see that… Halfway back to her old self, Sue gives Will two choices: Make space in the choir room for a trophy case to hold the Washington Monument-sized addition to her collection, or kiss her. With tongue. Man whore that he is, Will totally leans in, but Sue backs out, saying his breath stinks of mediocrity and it’s making her sick. And thus, New Directions will be granted the honor of gazing upon Sue’s giant trophy every time they rehearse.
Odds and Ends:
- Finn, Puck and special guest Mercedes get down to “Good Vibrations,” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Urrrm, yeah. I’m not saying it wasn’t kinda awesome (a gold star for Puck, especially, plus one for whoever decided to play the keytar), but … probably not George Clinton-approved funk. That’s what you get for letting Terri help you with your homework…
- Vocal Adrenaline’s school statue is a three-ton bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. Awesome.
- Words cannot describe how much I loved Sue’s story about a young Abraham Lincoln starting the Great Chicago Fire.
- Rachel didn’t sing anything!
- Sue: “You know what it has to look like? Elvis’s gold record room in Graceland. Except I’ll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.”
- Sue: “You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Because Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, contagious, itchy talent.” Okay, that one goes in the Sue Sylvester Hall of Fame. Easily top five.
- Kurt: “I’m so depressed I wore the same outfit twice this week.”
- Terri: “Sorry. I have this compulsive need to crush other people’s dreams.” Finn: “Yeah, that’s what Mr. Shue said.” Snaaaap!
- “Loser” by Beck, performed by Puck and Finn
- “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen, performed by Vocal Adrenaline
- “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof off the Sucker)” by Parliament, performed by New Directions
- “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown and Betty Newsome, performed by Quinn
- “Tell Me Something Good” by Rufus and Chaka Khan, performed by Will
- “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, performed by Puck, Finn, and Mercedes
We’re almost at Regionals! How do you feel about the season now that it’s wrapping up? Are you happy with how the characters and stories have evolved?