On “The Bachelorette,” Krazy Kasey is left on a glacier to be eaten by Reid’s bears from Canada and Chris N. is sent home but nobody cares because this is the first we’ve seen of him.
The eligible bachelors are headed to Iceland — you know, I hear that Greenland is covered with ice and Iceland is very nice. Chris Harrison informs the boys that there is a solo date, a group date and a DUN DUN DUN two-on-one date. Please leave someone on an Icelandic glacier like Reid got left in the Canadian wilderness. Please. I haven’t laughed that hard for a whole year.
The guys find out they are competing for the solo date by writing a love poem and that they get bonus points if an Icelandic word is included. That is SO much better than making the women of Jake’s season do stand-up. Yikes.
Anyway, the guys go around asking passers-by for Icelandic words — no one will talk to poor Justin on his crutches, which is hilarious. Various guys go up to random shopkeepers and Icelandic folks for help. In the end, the guys read their poems to Ali in front of each other.
Craig R. is really funny, Kasey is maudlin and unintelligible and then there is a montage of bad ones. Finally Chris N. gives a really awkward, sincere, stilted poem. Kirk kills it and I think he’s gonna win but then Frank does a nice job too. Ali ends up picking Kirk because she hasn’t had a one-on-one with him yet. Well, they may not have had a whole date yet but they suck face all the time and he walked her home once, so…
Kasey says, “In my honest opinion, I hope he doesn’t come home … with a rose.” But you can tell that last part is a bit of an afterthought. He says he wants Ali all to himself. “To lock in a basement” is left unsaid. My boyfriend pipes up for the first time with, “They’re going to find him murdering hookers who look like Ali.”
Ali and Kirk head to a clothing store and it reminds me of Jillian’s date with … Jake? Right? At the clothing store? Am I making that up? Hmmm.
Anyway, they put on matching sweaters and go feed some ducks. Watch out for the swans, they are MEAN! They hiss and run at you (at least they do on the lakes at Notre Dame). At lunch, Kirk and Ali get into a dating history conversation. Kirk hasn’t dated anyone for more than a year and Ali is worried about that. Well, to be fair — I hadn’t dated anyone longer than that before current my boyfriend and now we’re getting married and very right for each other, so… you never know, it only has to happen once. Not that I think Ali and Kirk are soulmates, but I don’t know that Ali has to be suspicious of him or something, like he’s hiding something.
At dinner, Kirk utters the greatest non-line in the history of everything. “As long as you know where I’m coming from, I think you’ll know where I’m going.” What does that even MEAN? Hahaha. Anyway, Kirk talks to Ali about his bout with an illness — breathing problems, weight loss, hair loss, memory loss, loss of speech, numbness. Yikes, that sounds seriously scary. It turns out Kirk found out that the house he lived in was filled with asbestos and mold and it made him really sick, but it taught him about what is important in life.
So Ali is putty in his hands (because who wouldn’t be after that story. Not pooh-poohing it, but it’s a melt-worthy tale) and she smooches him. Kirk says he gets lost in her (but not her eyes, which is sad to me because I thought I was going to get to launch into a Debbie Gibson song) and they hug.
Bachelor Pad (speaking of “Bachelor Pad,” did you see the contestants?)
Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig R., Ty and Frank the Tank get the group date, which means Kasey and Justin on the two-on-one date. Ooooh, that’s awesome. Kasey is obviously distraught about that. Frank talks to him alone and Kasey is worried that a two-on-one is not the time to reveal the tattoo but Frank reassures him that this is his time to shine and “send the wrestler back to the ring.” Hahaha, Frank rules. How he kept a straight face is beyond me.
The guys and Ali ride horses? Or donkeys? I’m really not sure what those are because they look small. But it looks fun anyway, I love riding horses. They ride to a cave for a little spelunking — WOW. So jealous.
Back at the bachelor pad, Justin is ready to get his cast off and puts a boot on in its place. They make it seem like some kind of big deal, but I really think Justin could have on a FULL BODY CAST and still come off better than Kreepy Kasey.
Back at the Man Cave, it’s … basically just a cave walk. Seriously, nothing happens. Cave, rope, hot chocolate. Lame. Move it along, show.
They head to Blue Lagoon, which is made up of some of Iceland’s natural hot springs. I’ve heard those are amazing, just BTW. I’m so insanely jealous, what a cool place. So Ali strips down and is ready to go in her bikini but the guys have to go get their suits. Their reactions are pretty hilarious.
Chris L. gets some alone time and confesses that he used to change to fit the girl but this time he is being himself. They make out, while Frank freaks out about someone being alone with Ali. He finally gets her alone … in a bathroom? Where did they go? That’s weird.
Ali confronts him about being so passive on the group dates and he hems and haws a bit, but eventually says that she makes him awkward. Awww. We are then out of the bathroom and back with the group and Ali is SO DRUNK. Seriously, gang. She is slurring her words and talking about the “Beauty & the Beast” rose and I don’t judge because I’m a ways into a bottle of wine while I type this, but still. Ali is DAH-RUNK! Hahaha. She gives the rose to Ty, who was quite the ranch hand on the Icelandic horse ride. Frank and Chris L. are bummed.
Two men enter Two cheeseballs enter, one cheeseball leaves. Kasey is a cheeseball of the schmuck variety, while Justin is a cheeseball of the competitive variety. They both need to dial it down a notch, though I would be lying if I didn’t say I hope Kasey gets left on a glacier.
The three of them take off in a helicopter — thankfully Kasey does not sing — and ride over a volcano. I’m pretty sure, from what I’ve read, that is THE Icelandic volcano that covered all of Europe in ash. In all seriousness, I bet once the ash hit like two weeks later, they were pretty blown away that they were JUST there flying over that volcano. That is freaky.
They land on the volcano and get to actually watch the volcano spewing lava. That is so cool. Justin goes off on some talking-head about how Ali is a championship wrestling belt. Oh dear. Don’t say things like that, dude. Just when I start to like you.
They head to an ice cave where there is furniture made of ice. Wow. Did they make that for “The Bachelorette” or is that a tourist thing? Either way, what a great date. Later, Kasey shows off his tattoo (in his kicky Burberry scarf) and Ali tries not to run screaming from the glacier. Kasey says “guard and protect my heart” about 700 times (so drink up) and Ali is clearly weirded out even though she puts on a good front.
Ali then leads the boys out to the middle of the glacier and gives the rose to Justin. She basically just goes, “I’m gonna give Justin the rose.” and sends him on his way. Heh heh. She then gives Kasey a speech full of platitudes and then LEAVES HIM ON THE GLACIER! Outstanding. The same bears that ate Reid are on their way, Kasey.
Ali has on the most beautiful black dress with a giant sparkly shoulder strap — I love it. Anyway, Frank gets alone time and Ali takes the time to defend her keeping Justin, which I’m sure Frank appreciates. He manages to turn the conversation to his behavior on the group date and how he’ll do better not to just fade into the background. They then kiss about 6 times and it’s lips only and you can tell Frank wants to slip her the tongue but she doesn’t go for it. Innnteresting.
Craig R. gets some alone time and laments his lack of dates with Ali, so he whips out his fake tattoo on his wrist he made with pen. Okay, that’s clever. Nice. You’re gonna get a rose just for that comic relief.
Chris N. (the TOTALLY invisible man) talks about being funny and then … crickets. Then Ali asks him about a guilty pleasure and his big answer is “Mexican food.” Oh dear. The other guys do some body language analysis and Frank and Kirk crack me up with their “brunch once a year just to catch up” friendship call. Heeee.
Chris L. is next and … why is he dressed like a scrub? Ali looks amazing and he’s like in an undershirt and a button down. C’mon, man. I’m still on Team Chris L., but he looks silly. ANd finally Roberto gets his time and they go outside to smooch and hug.
It has to be Chris N., right? He’s a total non-entity! Anyway, the roses go to Justin, Kirk and Ty (already have) and then Frank, Chris L., Roberto and Craig R. So Kasey and Chris N. were eliminated. No surprises there.
Okay, seriously, that was kind of a weak episode. Kasey’s ouster was far too quiet for my taste (I wanted wailing, gnashing of teeth and rending of garments) and Chris N. is — who? Did he just get there?
Next week: Istanbul (not Constantinople) and A GIRLFRIEND?! DUN DUN DUN!