It’s a fairly normal “Bachelorette” episode — except for Kasey unleashing the nucking futs side of his already-creepy personality. If he tells Ali to put the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again, I am outta here.
Chris Harrison informs the guys that they are headed around the world and there are varying degrees of excitement. But who IS excited is Ali because she’s getting an InStyle makeover in NYC. Yeah, that’d be okay.
Ali dishes about her bachelors to the makeup artist and hair dude. Kirk gets an “amazing,” Robert gets “smitten” and Chris L gets “really fun.” Frank is the “funnest guy ever” and “then there’s Kasey,” the creepy heart-protector dude.
Ali’s fashion show. Her first dress is off-white and kinda pillowcase-with-a-belt for me. But the teal dress is awesome, the trench coat rocks and my favorite is the black jacket and pants over the print top.
Kasey gets the first one-on-one — Ali is wearing my favorite outfit of hers! Well done, Ali. I do enjoy Chris L’s “unicorn love” analogy of why Kasey is wrong for Ali. Totally. Ali is a soccer ball; Kasey is a Lisa Frank folder.
Anyway, Kasey and Ali take off in a helicopter. Snore. The helicopter ride is over-used on this show, it packs no punch anymore. I think to really impress me they’d have to crash-land in the Central Park pond.
Kasey talking-heads about how Ali is a beautiful butterfly who is “ready and open for love.” That reminds me of the Rod Stewart lyric about spreading your wings and letting him come inside. They’re both a little bit gross and a little bit creepy. And then he’s off on the “protect and guard” her heart thing again. Kasey is a walking drinking game, y’all.
And then they sit down for a picnic and Kasey starts singing an improv song about their date. Ali giggles uncomfortably and he keeps going. OH MY GOD. I am not even joking when I say that my then-roommate Alyssa went on a first date like this once. If Kasey tells Ali how big his erect penis is and then sleeps on her couch even after her roommates tell him to leave, I’ll know the “Bachelorette” writers are somehow privy to my college years.
After the singing picnic, they do their own “Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler” at the Natural History Museum. Honestly, I would be on edge a bit. Big dark empty museum full of dead animals? Nightmare fuel.
They eventually end up with some wine and a polar bear-looking rug with a blanket and pillows. Kasey gets all intense about how he’s the one for Ali and more heart stuff (DRINK!) and then MORE SINGING. Ali’s glassy-eyed look tells me that she is trying to recite the capitols in her head so she doesn’t start laughing. And then:
Ali: Oh… honey… oh, that’s okay.
Kasey: What? Oh, no, you just rolled over the juice box.
Ali: Ohhh, thank God!
No, that doesn’t happen. But it would’ve been cool. Anyway, instead what happens is that Ali doesn’t guard or protect Kasey’s heart at all. She rips it out and stomps on it with her big high heel. She says he’s not being himself (or maybe he is and he’s just a big weirdo, Ali) and that she wants him to stay even though he doesn’t get a rose. Hmmm.
Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty head out to Times Square for a VIP Broadway experience. There are all these talking-heads about how much everybody likes theatre and all the Tony Awards “The Lion King” has won. It seems pretty fakey, forgive me if I don’t buy it. Roberto comparing it to baseball and the big leagues of theatre is pretty awesome, though.
Speaking of Roberto, when the guys start learning how to dance he actually has some moves. His Latin hips do not lie, my friends. Unfortunately, his singing isn’t quite there, but he is the only one who sings TO Ali. The only ones who could even halfway sing were Ty and Jesse. After Jesse sings, my boyfriend goes, “It’s no helicopter song.” Snerk.
The producer chooses Ali’s date based on “courage” and “truth” and picks Roberto, then drops the bomb that he’s going to be in “The Lion King” that night. Jonathan says he’s a schmuck for not singing to Ali like Roberto did. Uh, that’s not the reason you’re a schmuck, Weatherman.
They rehearse for their big performance in these skimpy costumes, grabbing each other while hanging on wires. Weird. Also, I think Ali is a beautiful, fit, healthy girl — but that costume is doing her NO favors.
Anyway, the performance starts and I’m super jealous, even if I don’t like “The Lion King” (sorry). But they do their thing and it’s pretty cool. Jonathan compares it to a beehive of knives to the face. I’m honestly not totally sure if Jonathan is jealous of Roberto or Ali.
After the show, they go out for cocktails and Ali is not feeling well. So naturally she goes out in a rainstorm with Frank. Yes, that seems like an excellent idea. Ali reassures him about her feelings for him and they make out. Frank insists that he wants whatever she has, in re: her illness. Ewwww.
Meanwhile, Jonathan is freaking out about how “crucial” it is to sit down with her tonight. Is anybody else getting the Tom Cruise vibe from Jonathan? I totally am. He wants to kidnap Ali to his fortress of Weatherman solitude.
Ali decides not to give out the rose and heads to bed — EXCEPT Kirk totally snaked the walk-her-home part of the evening. Sneaky! I love it. I think I’m coming around to Team Kirk. Guess who’s not on Team Kirk? Weatherman. He is like a 12-year-old girl and his anal-retentiveness is frightening.
Chris L’s Date
Ali wakes up totally sick on Chris’ birthday/date day and she invites Chris to her suite instead of going out into the city, which is even better. It’s more like real life, which is exactly what Chris says. He brings her flowers and they eat soup, it’s great.
They finally get more into the situation with his mom and why he moved home to Cape Cod (while the plinky-plunky strains of the Sarah McLachlan-ASPCA commercial play, seriously did you hear that? It sounded like “Angel” but generic).
Anyway, when Ali is feeling better they head out to 235th for a seafood dinner and Chris talks more about his mom. He says she left notes for him and his brothers telling them to look for her in rainbows and then there was a big rainbow at her funeral. Aw man, I’m getting all teary-eyed over here. That’s amazing.
Ali eventually gives him a rose. Yay! Team Chris! Then on the roof is a Joshua Radin concert. That’s cool. Boyfriend goes, “I thought that was Xander at first.” Hee. Chris and Ali dance and make out, yay.
Meanwhile, the men notice that Kasey is “missing.” Jonathan says they put out an Amber Alert, which I would like to think is a thinly-veiled comment about how Kasey seems like a dopey 16-year-old, but I fear that would be giving Weatherman too much credit.
So what is Kasey up to? He’s at a tattoo parlor. OH. MY. GOD. He’s getting a shield guarding a heart (DRINK) and … wow. Really dude? So he comes back to the Bachelor Pad with a bandage on his wrist and he tells them it was a burn. Justin is sure that he’s lying (which is rich, if the spoilers are true).
Kirk gets alone time first and he and Ali make out. Because so far that’s all they do. I hope Kirk gets a one-on-one soon because their connection is suspect to me.
Jonathan is up next and he busts out the guitar, which is … dude. The other guys overhear and Kirk goes, “You know what we need? We need one more guy to play the guitar in this house. There’s not enough yet.” His delivery is effing priceless, that made me laugh so hard. Also, it’s Jonathan and he’s just so desperate all the time. And? He sounds like a cat being strangled. Yikes.
Justin is insistent that he doesn’t want liars in the house (hmmm. We’ll revisit that later.) and then he confronts Kasey about the “burn.” It turns into a big “lying to Ali” discussion with Kasey completely shutting Justin down. Boyfriend goes, “Dude, he will cut your skin off and wear it.” Seriously.
Kasey then rallies the troops and reveals his tattoo. Frank pretty much sums it up with “that doesn’t prove anything except that you’re nuts.” The guys cannot believe it and Kasey spins some tale about their being brothers and stones, I don’t even know y’all. Kasey insists the other guys think it’s courageous and inspiring and some other BS and … it really makes you wonder how in touch with reality Kasey actually is.
Kasey finally gets his alone time and he brings Ali some candy because she’s sick and she loves that — BECAUSE IT’S NOT “OVER THE TOP.” Oh my lord. Kasey then is about to bust out the tattoo and Ali … except Frank interrupts before Kasey can show his tattoo. DRATS! Frank just totally saved your ass, dude and you don’t even know. Boyfriend tells me that when he thought Kasey was going to show Ali the tattoo, Ali’s response should be, “Well, at least it’s not a jar of my toenail clippings.” Heeeee. Boyfriend is on fire tonight.
I make a bold prediction before I watch it that two guys of no consequence go home (Craig and, I don’t know, Steve? Is there a Steve still around?), thereby letting all the drama continue to unfold. The roses go to Chris L (already has one), Kirk, Frank, Craig, Chris N., Roberto, Justin, Ty and Kasey. *GASP* NO!
Are you kidding me?! Jesse and Jonathan are leaving. I mean, Jonathan is not a surprise, but Jesse TOTALLY IS. He’s so cute and super nice and he could really sing, which is not the point but I liked it. He’s very sweet to Ali on his way out, which is awesome to see. Nobody likes a sore loser. In his exit interview he’s gracious but disappointed.
Jonathan, on the other hand, is a little weird about it. He’s not mean or anything, just his weird little Weatherman self.
Next week: Iceland!
The deleted scene of the guys goofing around, Jonathan vs. Justin — awesome. I reiterate that I would love to hang out with the regular “Bachelorette” contestants. “Bachelor” women — not so much.