“The Bachelorette” brings oodles of Frank-Ali tears and a final two that we can all get behind, right? Right. But let’s start at the beginning of the Tahiti episode.
We’re down to the final three and I think based on the previews we all know what is going to happen tonight — so now it’s just two hours of basically filler until we find out that Roberto and Chris are the final two. Am I the only who is annoyed that ABC totally showed their hand like 4 episodes ago? We don’t ALL read internet spoilers, ABC!
Anyway, so before we even get to Tahiti there’s a huge montage of how we got here. Bloop bloop bloop. Not a single new thing happens until 10 minutes in. Grrr.
Frank and his girlfriend Nicole
So Frank is in Chicago going to see his ex-girlfriend Nicole to see if there is still something there. He cries and gets all wishy-washy and she talks about him “completing” her and then she flat-out tells him to come home. According to our interview with Ali prior to this episode, Frank and Nicole are (she thinks) still together and she wishes them well, but she does think they broke up so he could come on the show and that it was a bit selfish on his part.
But before we can get to the big Ali-Frank-waterworks confrontation, it’s Roberto’s time.
Ali and Roberto go on a helicopter ride (snore, that is so overdone. Where’s the dragon?) to a heart-shaped island where they swim in the ocean and make out. A lot. Ali talking-heads about how great it is to have someone who makes you feel taken care of and protected. Well, if that’s what you wanted — Kasey’s probably still on that glacier…
That night they go to dinner and — is Ali wearing a nightie? Roberto’s in khakis and a button-down shirt and Ali is in like a teddy! Wow.
So anyway, at dinner Roberto just lays it all out there. He is falling in love with her and she smiles and kisses him. Awww, they’re great together. Ali whips out the fantasy suite key and my boyfriend goes, “Alriiiight. It’s the let’s-get-busy key. I mean, they might as well put a card in there with it that says, ‘Have fun knockin’ the dust off it.'” Heeeee.
At some point going into the fantasy suite, Ali goes, “You’re soaking wet.” Roberto shows admirable restraint in not responding, “And you’re next!” They start to strip down and (presumably) get busy.
Ali and Chris head off on a enormous boat and talk family. It’s kinda boring. Eventually they go swimming and it’s fun and cute, but I can definitely see more of a romantic spark between her and Roberto. Also — all those underwater shots kept making me think they were going to be eaten by a shark. Just me?
They eventually make it to dry land and start finding pearls in clams, which is admittedly very cool. So Chris can make Ali a pearl necklace and then later he can … you know, nevermind.
For dinner, they wade out to a private island where they have a picnic. Aww, very romantic. Chris confesses that he can see himself with Ali and they make out some more. The nookie key comes out and they choose to use the fantasy suite. Chris talking-heads that his mom is looking down, smiling right now and I go, “I hope not right now because… ew.” He then says he loves her and they make out again.
So here we go — probably the most melodramatic, ridiculous segment of the season, barring the Jake-Vienna interview. Frank kicks us off by saying, “I’m confident in the decision I made, but to hurt Ali and potentially break her heart is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. So I wanna talk to Chris Harrison.”
SNORT! I want that on a t-shirt. “I wanna talk to Chris Harrison.” Just as my go-to person for advice and a sympathetic ear. Chris Harrison is my man. Somebody make me a t-shirt with that printed on it and I’ll let you write the next recap.
Anyway, so Frank pours his heart out to Chris. Color me skeptical. It sounds to me, based on what Ali said and what is happening on the show, that Frank and Nicole “broke up” so he could go on the show and then he was able to whip this out for drama’s sake once he got this far. Blech. Ali even said that another contestant this season mentioned to her that Frank has talked about Nicole. Hmmm.
When Chris Harrison goes, “You have a date coming up in about an hour? What are you gonna do?” my boyfriend snarks from the kitchen, “I’m gonna hit it.” Oh, how priceless would it have been if Frank went on the date, slept in the fantasy suite and THEN told Ali? He might actually go up in my estimation just for having the cajones to pull that sketchball crap.
But no. The plinky-plunky strains of heartbreak play while Frank looks mopey and cries and walks around all contemplatively. So Ali shows up and Frank says they need to talk. Ali told us that Frank was so morose, she thought like an actual tragedy had happened, like his mom had died or something.
Instead, Frank lays it all out there. Ali starts crying immediately but then she starts looking like she’s trying to make herself cry harder, which loses points with me. In fact, the crying seems a little fake on both sides and there aren’t enough fireworks for me, so booo. Ali throws her flip flops at one point. Lame.
We come back from commercial to the strains of Romantic Piano Classic that is advertised on VH1 late at night. Chris Harrison goes to talk to Ali — say it with me, guys: “I wanna talk to Chris Harrison.”
After Chris hugs her, Ali has a few more moments of histrionics. She thinks there’s something wrong with her blahblah. I mean — does she remember how she has these two seemingly awesome guys who are nuts about her?
So Chris and Ali still do the pre-game chat, even though clearly Frank is gone and we know the final two guys. Ali thinks it’s important to hear them accept their roses, as in accept her, and also that they hear about Frank from her. But first, of course, we have to have another commercial.
When the guys arrive, Ali wants to make sure they know they aren’t getting roses by default and that she knows 100% that Frank is not the guy for her. Well, sure — after he dumps you for Nicole, that’s kind of a no-brainer.
Anyway, she gives out her roses to Chris and Roberto. She then tells them they are all heading to Bora Bora to meet her family. Exciting!
Next week: The Men Tell All reunion special. Oh boy.
Outtakes: Ali and Roberto slasher-movie murder an innocent coconut.