It’s Monday night, which means that instead of going to cultural events around our towns or, God forbid, reading books, we are gathered around the glowing evil tubey (er… Tubey) wasting our lives, fattening our rumps, and watching “Bachelor Pad.” Yes, yes, we’re back to wade through the cast-off detritus of “The Bachelor/ette” dating pools. Yes, yes, I am basically equating these blonde, bronzed chuckleheads to chum. But their shark tank is filled with nothing but Sun In, bronzer and broad-spectrum antibiotics. They are all here for the money. Also the love, but mostly the money. The free vacation doesn’t hurt, either.
Uh-oh, somebody’s crying. God, I wish I could remember these people’s names. I mean, yes, remembering the actual name of each of these yutzes would take up precious real estate in my increasingly cirrhotic brain.* (*Note: Brain cirrhosis is not necessarily a side effect of watching “The Bachelorette,” but it might be.) That said, it would make deciphering these scenes easier. Right now a blonde is crying, and I’m pretty sure she’s the same bawling blonde who cried a lot last episode because she realized her boyfriend might be a complete dick. You see, her maybe-boyfriend had this great Strategy where he wanted free rein to whore it up with all the other women, but just, you know, TO WIN. It’s all part of the game, right? Strangely, the bawling blonde was Not Into That Plan and cried and got all the girls to swear they would boot him off the show if his Giant Asshole-ness flared up again. Think of it as Preparation H for jerks. The bawling blonde is also convinced that he might be the love of her life. So there’s that. And the fact that she is an idiot. The boyfriend’s (sorry, dude, I have to label you!) brush with Loserdom made him re-think his strategy right quick and he is now willing to be given the title of Boyfriend. He has now realized that being in a couple is a much better strategy. Also he gets to get some action without, you know, trying.
Meanwhile, Natalie, who is also blonde but not a bawler, has almost removed herself from competition because she is SO IN LOVE with Peculiar Jesse. The butterflies and rainbows and unicorn-shaped glitter swirling around her head are making it hard to see straight. It’s hard to remember that she’s here for the money when Peculiar Jesse is performing a tonsillectomy with his tongue while his hands grope where her bathing suit covers on a couch on a patio in plain sight of a WATCHING PRIMETIME AUDIENCE.