“Bachelor Pad”: It’s the show that never ends. It just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can’t watching because it’s the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can’t watching because it’s the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can’t watching because it’s the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can’t watching because it’s the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends …Yes, it’s the season finale of “Bachelor Pad.” Can we get a HELL YEAH?
Elizabeth, Kovacs, Dave, Natalie, Kiptyn, and Tenley are all shocked, stunned, and seemingly brain damaged over the fact that they have made it. They are the final six contenders. While on most shows Final Six isn’t usually anywhere near the end of the competition, luckily ABC has better and far more successful shows to get on the airways. So they are going to take this show back behind the barn and shoot it in the head. Yes, tonight’s the last episode! The big banana! The last hurrah! The final chance to catch an STD through your TV. Aren’t you giddily happy? Do you need new underwear? Before any of the Final Six can get too happy, they are all shot with synchronized tranquilizer guns and knocked out for the night. The next morning Chris Harrison wanders into the kitchen where everyone is groggily mating and making coffee. He announces that today’s competition is the Most Important. Whoever wins guarantees themselves a spot in the championship.
Also, we will be having a cross promotion with another more successful ABC show, namely “Dancing with the Stars.” The couples are all overjoyed at the chance to show they have the dancing skills to match a merengue dancing dog, the comedic self awareness of Cloris Leachman or at least, the bland white bread don’t-embarrass-yourself-Pavelka of Bachelor Jake. Well, everyone except Kiptyn who has a case of the stage frights because Tenley was a semi-professional tap, jazz, and ballet student at the All That Jazz Dance Studio in the strip mall next to the Sizzler. He is just SO worried that he will fail her on the dance floor much as he has undoubtedly shamed her and his family in the bedroom. What? There is no way a guy named KIPTYN is good in bed. It’s impossible.
The couples are whisked across town in limousines to the dance studios where Chelsie Hightower, Edyta Sliwinska, and Louis Van Amstel are locked up during the day. As soon as they enter the room the professional dancers beg them for food and water or at least tribute. The contestants shrug and then we cut to them dancing. The editors cut out all the begging and crying and “please cut my shackles” because it was just demoralizing. Dave is proving that he is manly enough to embrace both his feminine side and his male dance instructor. He swings Louis Van Amstel around like a little baby rag doll while stating over and over again that he is willing to do anything to win. Even if that means twirling around the stage in Louis’ arms in the hopes of winning $250,000. Basically, Dave is saying he is gay for pay, which we all know doesn’t count. Someone should just save him the effort and make him a #no homo t-shirt to wear during the scene. Natalie and Dave seem to be doing a good job because out on the dance floor they can finally be free to let their cornball horn dog cheesy freak flags fly. Watch out or you’ll get some in your eye!
Meanwhile, Elizabeth has gone Crazy Eyed and is struggling with the fact that HER MAN, one Jesse Kovacs, is dancing the forbidden dance with another woman RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. She’s gonna have to cut a bitch. Kovacs tries to come up with a good excuse for his philandering and then remembers that, oh yeah, he’s in the middle of a competition and has to learn how to dance. Although, in Elizabeth’s defense, Edyta does not appear to be wearing prophylactic dance pants and is straddling Kovacs. In Kovacs’ defense, Elizabeth has a wonky boob job, a bad personality, and brassy highlights. Meanwhile, Kiptyn is disappointing Magic Feet Tenley over and over again. She refuses to cry and instead shoots him encouraging smiles and concerned Bambi eyes and stands by her man.
Soon it is evening and as the sun falls, the lights go up on the stage set up in the backyard of the Herpes Hacienda. But before there can be a competition, there must be judges. I’ll give you three guesses at to who the judges will be. Need a hint? None of them is gainfully employed. The first judge is none other than….Melissa Rycroft! Yes, yes, the one time contender on “The Bachelor” was also a one time contender on Dancing with the Stars. Chris Harrison makes sure we all know that she came in third and is, thus, HIGHLY QUALIFIED. If you are thinking there’s a pattern, you are right. The next judge is none other than Tenley’s fake ex-boyfriend, Jake Pavelka! Harrison claims Jake was a “fan favorite” on “DWTS,” but that is highly unlikely as he has the personality of a very angry pancake. Tenley looks like she is either going to barf or go stabby stabby on Jake’s chiseled jaw, but instead ends up clinging to Kiptyn like he’s a prized halibut. So who is the final judge? Hop in the way back machine, because it is none other than Bachelorette Trista Sutter! Ooh I guess they don’t have hair dye in Colorado. Trista zips up in a pneumatic tube out of the vault where they have been storing her for just this occasion and takes her seat just in time to watch Tenley and Kiptyn dance the White Man’s Foxtrot. They do a fine job and we get an interesting peek into Tenley’s real personality when through clenched teeth she reminds Kiptyn to smile. Twice. Then they fall over at the end of the dance and everyone laughs and the judges are charmed. Melissa gives them an 8, Jake a 9 (Tenley blows him a kiss) and Trista gives them a 9. They have set the bar high.
Photo credit: ABC