WHAT?! It’s Labor Day, and we’re celebrating with a new episode of “Bachelor Pad”? The show that does nothing but reward the idle class for their sloth and debauchery? We would accept a “Dirty Jobs” marathon, maybe, but this? UNPATRIOTIC, we say. But since you were all out honoring Unions and marching for mandatory 37-hour-work weeks and three-week vacations, we will do my solemn duty and recap this traitorous, syphilitic pile of unpatriotic bulls***. FOR YOU!
The best thing about tonight’s episode is that they are promising that three of the ladies are leaving. THAT is the best news, right? Except for maybe Chris Harrison being swept away by a lovesick giant eagle, taken to her nest and force-fed pre-digested truffles and upchucked champagne for weeks. Just in case you were huffing barbecue propane and mainlining SPF 40 over the long weekend, we’ll remind you that last week Wes got sent home after being a d*** to everyone and Krisily got sent home due to her wild unpopularity. No real surprise, but they tried to make us pretend there was going to be some drama. But there wasn’t. Whee? Anyway, Krisily kicked Dave in the babymaker on her way out to the Loser’s Limo, but Dave totally deserved it after swearing she wasn’t on the chopping block for elimination (sadly, not beheading), but she totally was. Dave now has guilt, or at least fear that his cohabiting competitors won’t totally trust him to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth when it comes to this competition. Also, he’s totally out as godfather to Tenley and Kiptyn’s inevitable blonde baby.
After a night of fornication and sin and probably Cool Ranch Doritos, bright and early the next morning, Chris Harrison barges into the old Bachelor Pad and causes a stir. No, no, not in a flatulent way, rather by announcing that later that day three women are leaving. Probably not in body bags, but a girl can dream, right? Wouldn’t it be better if “Bachelor Pad” was more like “Running Man” and the contestants were competing for their lives and freedom? Seriously, we would rather be watching “Bachelor Pad: THUNDERDOME” than this. Obviously, the girls all start puking in an attempt to make themselves thinner and thus more popular (what? they saw it in Vogue) in order to lure unattached men into closets for unknown pleasures. Meanwhile, Kovacs starts puttering around the kitchen punching cabinets just in case Elizabeth gets sent home and he never gets laid again. Eventually, it is time for whatever competition it is that will send three of the ladies home. The Challenge that will determine the fate of the ladies is… Spin the Bottle. Not to get too Women’s Studies about it, but this is just offensive. The producers have managed to simultaneously put all the control in the hands of the men, wrest all power over their own fate away from the women while the men judge them based solely on their desirability and willingness to put out …
Photo credit: ABC