Tonight on “90210,” most of the kids attend The Undies, West Bev’s celebration of underachievement, so what better place to start than with Matthews? The shaggy teach carries on with his quest to take back the night for Naomi. In doing so, he manages to get Cannon suspended — and also himself. Cocksure Cannon threatens to sue Naomi for her entire trust fund when her case falls apart. Considering she’s hinging said case on the testimony of a drunken ragamuffin with a love child and a history of leaving blazing West Bev signs in his wake… it really does look for a while like Naomi might be wise to immediately make several large deposits to untraceable accounts in Cayman and Swiss bank accounts.
But the story pricks up (pun intended) when Ausscar, who has suddenly become super-English, weasels his way into the fracas by becoming a bizarre, yet integral plot connector. He at once takes a liking to the bitchy antics of Naomi and isolates hints of Cockney in Cannon’s accent, specifically linking him to the rough-and-tumble neighborhood of Dagenham. Ausscar offhandedly mentions the Dagenham connection to Naomi, and they discover via the Internet that Cannon is actually a repeat sex offender named Douglas Atherton. They take the matter to the police, and it’s confirmed that Cannon is a serial rapist, which strengthens Naomi’s significantly. Naturally, Ausscar takes this coup as another chance to hit on Naomi — because nothing gets a girl in the mood for love like Googling her rapist. When Naomi follows the cops to Cannon’s house for his arrest, she learns the naughty professor has fled the country and taken her hopes of justice and peace with him.
Speaking of sexual deviants and those whose live they destroy, Ivy may just be scarred for life by her run-in with Ausscar — and I’m not just talking about her hymen, oh! She hesitantly gets back together with Dixon, who is so desperate to repent for his lies and HIV scares that he doesn’t realize how weird things have suddenly become between her and the flop-mopped Lothario. It’s only a matter of time until Ivy informs Dixon that Sex Wax means more to her these days than something one slathers on your board. Gnarly!
On another steadily breaking relationship front, AAdrianna’s sleaze-tainted career continues to get in the way of her relationship with Navid. He isn’t happy about her shifting priorities but has his own in the form of befriending a girl who has moved into the locker next to his and who mysteriously hates him, not to mention beating Harper the Harpy at West Bev’s actual Achievement Awards (the much less popular source material for The Undies). Navid ends up taking himself out of the running for the coveted Leadership Award once he learns Harper’s father is an emotionally abusive bastard who might disown her if she doesn’t win. But who needs scholarships and accolades when you’re a Persian Jew with a porn director father? Speaking of which, Navid suddenly recognizes the girl whose locker is next to his once performed in one of his father’s movies. The catch? She’s a high school student.
And then there were two: Liam and Teddy strangely bond over their own emasculation when Loony Laura uses Liam as walking display case for her burgeoning handbag empire, and Teddy fights rumors that balls are the only thing to get his tennis racket swinging. While Liam trudges around with a sourpuss on all night, per usual, Teddy finds comfort in non-medical Mary Jane furnished by some extra who may or may not be Matthews in a knit cap. Liam’s story arc also veers toward the narcotic when it turns out Laura’s purses were only a ploy for her ascent to becoming the cocaine queenpin of the Bev Niner.
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