Well, that was fully awesome. Serena wakes up roofied in Queens and calls 911, and before you can blink Lily has committed Serena to the Ostroff Center against her will. Jenny rushes home to confess, alerting Juliet — who actually OD’d Serena, secretly — and Vanessa to the situation. Vanessa sells Jenny out before she can do anything, causing the usual rift between Humphreys; joke’s on her when Jenny comes to Blair, confesses the whole situation, and sets everybody on Vanessa’s heels. She runs to her horrible parents, where they make vegan shoes of her and we never hear from her again; Jenny runs off to Hudson for a very real banishment that won’t end anytime soon.
Meanwhile, Ben yells at Juliet for trying to kill Serena and causes her to totally melt down — her response is basically “All I did was try and kill the bitch, jeez” — and then disappear… After one last meeting with Lily to arrange ongoing hush-hush payments about What Happened At Boarding School. It occurs to me that we could be mining this shit forever, where Lily just has a 30-person roster of people she mails huge checks to every month in order to cover for various effed-up things that have happened to Serena. Maybe that’s why she keeps getting married.
It’s weird for Eric, who went to this same place for his actual suicide we don’t talk about, and it’s weird for Blair because of her bulimia that was mysteriously cured, but most of all it’s weird for Chuck, who spends the whole time trying to be there for S (well, really Lily) and constantly getting his vibes all up in Blair’s Powerful Womanhood. Eventually he gets tired of being her emotional foot massage and tells her they can’t be friends; she sends him Harold’s famous pumpkin pie as a sweet surrender to this latest iteration of their constant, fabulous bulls***.