buffy stars New 'Buffy' film? We agree with Giles: 'The earth is doomed'“If the Apocalypse comes, beep me.” Buffy, we’re gonna need that beeper number STAT.

Warner Bros. has announced plans to remake the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” film with a new writer. Yes, you read that right. A writer who is not Joss Whedon. A new “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” film (because the first one was so revolutionary?). We’ll have our secretary file this under no-good, very-bad news.

]]>Whit Anderson. Who? Wait, you haven’t heard of her? Neither have we. “I didn’t really watch much television at all, but I always watched ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ that was the one show I would watch when I got home,” Anderson tells the Los Angeles Times. “I just loved this character. I was the same age as Buffy and it was so rare to have a female lead character on TV in those days who was strong and capable and smart but also allowed to be feminine.” We have a feeling fan fiction writers everywhere are feeling a glimmer of hope in their souls that they too will one day score a movie deal. Charles Roven, one of the producers of “Batman Begins,” says his Atlas Entertainment signed on after he read Anderson’s script and saw something special. The award for the most hilarious quote of the week belongs to Roven who says, “There is an active fan base eagerly awaiting this character’s return.” Clearly, the man is not on Twitter. There are so many reasons why this reboot is a horrible, wrong, bad (insert every word for awful here) idea, but we managed to cut the very long list down to the Top 5: 1. No Joss Whedon: The creator of the Buffy, slayer of the vampires, is not involved at all in the reboot, which makes our souls hurt. Last year, Whedon told EW, “I hope it’s cool.” Passive agressive retort for the win. 2. No Sarah Michelle Gellar: We’re sorry, but SMG is Buffy Summers (Kristy Swanson, who?). Buffy Summers is SMG. We’d like to see any actress try and beat her in “The Body.” 3. No Scoobies: Since Warner Bros. optioned the rights from movie creators Fran and Kaz Kuzui, fans can say goodbye to beloved characters like Xander, Willow, Giles, Angel, Spike, etc. There is no Buffy without her Scoobies and her maker, Joss. Period.  4. No need for a reboot: Who thought this was a good idea? Just because vampires have essentially taken over Hollywood? It doesn’t make it okay to take an iconic TV series, which was flawless, and have the audacity to reboot it. That’s like us deciding, “Hey, you know what the public really needs? A reboot of ‘Star Wars.'” No, just no. 5: No pedigree: If you are going to reboot a beloved TV series with a rabid fanbase, don’t further insult them by hiring a no-name to write the film. It’s a slap in the face. Cue rage blackout in 3…2…1… UPDATE: Joss Whedon has responded to the news via e-mail to E! Online’s Kristin Dos Santos and in true Whedon fashion, it’s the most wonderfully sarcastic thing we’ve ever read:

“Kristin, I’m glad you asked for my thoughts on the announcement of Buffy the cinema film.  This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths–just because they can’t think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself.

Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, “Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson?  This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER.”  Apparently I was misinformed. Then I thought, “I’ll make a mint!  This is worth more than all my Toy Story residuals combined!” Apparently I am seldom informed of anything. And possibly a little slow. But seriously, are vampires even popular any more?

I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death.  But, you know, AFTER.  I don’t love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I’m also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can’t wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I’m making a Batman movie.  Because there’s a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for The Dark Knight Rises Way Earlier Than That Other One And Also More Cheaply And In Toronto, rebooting into a theater near you.

Leave me to my pain!  Sincerely, Joss Whedon.”

Is he not the most amazing person to ever walk this earth?

What do you think, Zappers? Are we over-reacting or is a mass protest in order?