Can you believe it? Can you believe it’s the finale of Top Chef (Just Desserts) already? Can you believe we made it after all? * Tosses hat into air, Mary Tyler Moore-style * We’ve come so far and we’ve experienced so much. We know that “the red hots are for my mommy” and that the Top Chef producers like a wee bit of the crazy (Seth) but not a whole lot of crazy (Seth and his panic attacks over paper cups?!). They have no problems with mean (looking at you, Morgan) or spiteful (Bitch Face Heather) or morose (Malika, who left the competition because she was so ronery, so ronery). We also know that you can slip “stretch my strudel” past the FCC censors any old time you want. We know that a Baked baker can make it pretty far in the competition and that skillful editing can make a great pastry chef look terrible (Danielle). That resentment has a flavor and that gray cake will be all the rage among a certain reality television crazed subset of the population. So, huzzah, first season of Top Chef (Just Desserts) you showed us that pastry chefs can bring the crazy HARD and their inferiority complex comes out in the darndest ways. And now onto the finale.
Yigit has goose bumps because he knows that Zac threw the challenge just for him and he can’t break it to his boyfriend. Oh please, Zac is kooky, but that cake he made was CRAZYCAKES, like, literally. I mean who puts disco dust and unicorn ornaments on an old person cake? No one who is trying to win a pastry competition, that is for sure. So I am assuming he threw the competition for Yigit. Then Morgan reminds us that Zac attempted to throw him under the emotional bus yesterday by pointing out to the rather disinterested judges that Morgan is not expressive IN HIS FACE and clearly wasn’t a theater major and thus they should just kill him IN MIME or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention because whenever Morgan opens his mouth I just imagine him licking a red patent leather stiletto and I go to my happy place because: Yuck. [Probably a better place to go because if you had listened you’d have heard Morgan call Zac an “annoying little fairy” and call him a bitch. — Angel] Danielle reminds us that she won the last challenge and will be trademarking gray cakes and selling them online through her new internet-based bakery. I’m still not eating it.
Gail greets the cheftestants. As the only remaining gay contestant, Yigit gives us the color commentary: Gail is wearing a fierce black dress and matching shoes. You know, they rarely let the contestants talk about what Padma is wearing, but this show makes a point of mentioning Gail’s ensemble or her shoes in almost every episode. It’s like Gail is begging, “Please objectify me!” It’s so desperate. No one looks like, Padma, honey. Don’t let it get you down. She tells the chefs that for their final challenge they will need to create a four course progressive (as in not conservative or Tea Party-ish, I guess, which seems awfully partisan) tasting menu. The end. No one believes that they really will be able to just make four dishes of their choosing, right? You’re all jaded and wily to the ways of reality television by now, right?
Gail sends them home to get dressed for a super fun surprise. They are skeptical, but dress accordingly and head to a club for cocktails. Head Judge Johnny Iuzzini greets them with a plant in hand. Oh, that’s not a plant; it’s a cocktail with many many leaves in it. How au courant. Also, vegetative. Danielle voiceovers that they are expecting a twist any second now. Johnny orders dessert and when an impressive array comes out the tension builds (not really, but nice try guys). Johnny calls out the pastry chefs responsible for the spread and three women come out and everyone shrieks. It’s not their mommies, but rather their forebears in the pastry world: Elizabeth Faulkner from Citizen Cake is the only one I recognize on sight. And then they don’t really introduce the others so sit tight they have to tell us eventually. These are their sous chefs! Everyone just dies. The end. Alas, that’s not true. Instead they choose sous chefs out of a cookie jar. Yigit gets Sherry Yard (see I told you they would crack eventually), Danielle gets Elizabeth Faulkner, and Morgan gets Claudia Fleming. Ooh I know her. She used to be the pastry chef at Gramercy Tavern, which is Blair Waldorf’s favorite restaurant. DON’T ASK ME HOW I KNOW THAT.