“American Idol” found some gems in the capital of country music when it took to Nashville, TN. After a terrifyingly screechy high note that makes all three of our cats go bonkers, the strains of Carrie Underwood sing us into Nashville. She will turn out to be quite the foreshadowing bookend of the episode.
Speaking of terrifying, we have a girl from Palm Beach by way of Springfield, MO who is like a “Saturday Night Live” character but real. So we’re starting with this nonsense, are we? Why? Why do we waste time on this crap? Irritating.
Thankfully we move on to exes Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks (who live together) who are auditioning for “Idol” together. Sounds like they are destined for the Friend Zone, because Rob is in love with Chelsee, but Chelsee is not in love with Rob. They finally sing and they are both decent singers. He reminds us of Joe Cocker, but we prefer the tone of her voice. Either way, they should both probably go through. The sound editor’s call of “I Need You Know” is great, we love that song.
J.Lo wanting to play matchmaker with her bubble gum pink lipstick is too much. Who wants to be best friends with J.Lo? We think we might.
There’s a creepy montage of Steven Tyler hitting on some underage girls, which leads into Allen Lewis, a tattoo artist and “Sons of Anarchy”-looking guy. We sincerely hope this guy can actually sing, that would be amazing. We are not optimistic.
He grunts his way through “Simple Man” as sung by Chris Cornell and he could probably have some success fronting a bar band in Nashville, but “Idol” is not for him. Randy basically says the same thing. Sigh. Next.
Miss Teen USA 2009 Stormi Henley is up now and she’s a very, very pretty girl (but seriously, “Stormi”? With an “i”?). She wants to see how far she can make it on her talent, as opposed to her looks. Then what the hell are you doing on this show, sweetheart? She sings “Father Can You Hear Me” and it’s pretty weak.
Tyler wants to know if she ever lets loose and really tears it up. We think he means the vocals. But Tyler says yes because he thinks they can work on her belting. J.Lo says no because the voice isn’t strong enough, but Randy cave to the super-pretty girl. Duh. Props to J.Lo for calling that one like she sees it. And we honestly didn’t get the vibe that it was one of those one pretty girl hates another pretty things.
Adrienne Beasley is a Kentucky girl who is a black girl that was adopted by a white couple when she was 2 years old and wow, it is so crappy (though not surprising) that that was a big deal. She’s got a great country-pop voice on “American Honey,” the way she drops the ends of her phrases is very pretty. Simple, pure, really great. Steven Tyler compliments her on her special sound and tells her to hang on to that, it’s one of the best things he’s said as a judge.
They build Kameela Merricks like she’s going to be some great shakes, then she screams so hard she probably has a hernia on Chaka Khan’s “Sweet Baby.” Randy tells her it was horrible. C’mon, call it rubbish. Call it rubbish, Randy! You know you want to.
J.Lo says she doesn’t want to waste Kameela’s time (or theirs). Uh yeah, tell that to the editors, J.Lo.
Kameela leads into a montage that includes a human sperm, a Ukrainian girl with stab-you-in-your-sleep eyes and a country fellow named Patrick who sounds like a muppet and takes it very hard when they tell him he’s no good. He cries on Ryan Seacrest. Careful! You’ll shrink him!
Jackie Wilson, who unfortunately does not sing “Your Love Keeps Liftin’ Me (Higher and Higher)” tackles “Until You Come Back to Me” by Aretha and it’s quite good, the high stuff gave us chills. She doesn’t look the part, but she’s got a great voice. Steven loves the way she blew it out, J.Lo seems just delighted by her, she’s through.
There’s a weird moment where she smooches what we all think is her father or her mom’s boyfriend, but turns out he’s Jackie’s boyfriend. Huh. Okey dokey.
We are now watching Latoya “Younique” Moore mug for the camera with her fivehead, garish makeup and prom dress. Ugh. What is with this episode? Why are we giving these nutjobs camera time? This is our least favorite part of the show. This girl clearly has mental problems, please just send her on her way. The part where her number fell off was funny, though.
There’s a great montage of men who got Golden Tickets — uh, why couldn’t we see more of these people, hmm? But we give a thumbs up to Paul McDonald on “Maggie Mae,” Jimmie Allen on “Sunday Morning” and Danny Pate on “Papa Was a Rolling Stone,” who gets a “that was so good, so good” from Steven Tyler but of course, we HARDLY SAW ANY OF IT, GOD THIS MAKES US SO ANGRY BLARGGRRRWRWAKOINFJODSIHNE. We don’t know why this continues to rile is up, since we got used to it several seasons ago, but it still makes us mad.
Tonight’s sad story is a farmer-looking fella named Matt Dillard who grew up in a family that has taken in 700 foster children over 23 years. Wow, that is tremendous. We could talk for a long time about how hard that is and how there are a lot of abusers of the foster care programs, but needless to say, Matt’s parents for sainthood. That is incredible.
And bonus — Matt sings well. He’s a little rough and unpolished, but the talent is still clearly there. He also say she could “pretty up to if [they] want him to.” Randy gives him a small yes and hopes he doesn’t get swallowed up. J.Lo says no because the audition just wasn’t strong enough. But Steven says yes and he’s through.
Cutie patootie Lauren Alaina from Georgia who has a beloved cousin Holly that got a brain tumor, but has pulled through. This girl reminds us of somebody famous, but we can’t put our finger on it. Anyway, she sings “Like We Never Loved At All” and it’s pretty, very commercial. Hello, next Carrie Underwood? We mean, she was a curly-haired curvy girl when she auditioned in Oklahoma too. Who knows?!
She busts out some “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” for her family and the judges, it’s gorgeous. She’s so good when she really lets it rip. Well done, Georgia peach cutie. Steven Tyler predicts that they may have found “the one” today. We would not be at all surprised if that sweetie is crowned the next “American Idol” in 16 weeks.
Next week: Austin! Yee haw.