We will be live-blogging the two-hour premiere starting at 8 p.m. ET, so join us for all the talented aspiring stars and all the crazypants weirdos that the crew encounters in the Empire and Garden states.
All times Eastern.
7:56 p.m. — We’ve got an old “Office” episode on before “Idol” starts on our FOX station. Jim just sent Dwight “gaydar.” Hee. Who’s excited for “Idol”? Woo!
8:00 p.m. — Oh my god, it’s “American Idol” from SPACE!
8:02 p.m. — We both can and cannot believe they are making us sit through a montage about finding the new judges, complete with heartbeats and making it look as exciting as though Oprah was just named Queen of the Earth.
8:03 p.m. — Oooh, new theme music and a new logo. Bold.
8:05 p.m. — The other day we interviewed Steven Tyler and he went off on a rant about a reality show where he sets sail on a raft and marries the first person he washes up next to. We have high hopes for his judging comments.
8:06 p.m. — They are making Randy look like The Godfather. It just needs a clip of Simon Cowell waking up with a horse’s head in his bed.
8:14 p.m. — Constantine Maroulis is on hand in New Jersey to kick off the auditions. He always scared us a little. Can you get an STD through the screen?
8:15 p.m. — In re: Randy’s outfit: We always knew he was a Hufflepuff.
8:18 p.m. — We vaguely remember Rachel Zevita from Season 6 (once they show her clip), who auditions with a weird version “Hallelujah.” J.Lo says she remembers Zevita, which is … surprising/suspicious. She kind of lays an egg with her audition, but the judges can tell she can sing and put her through.
8:20 p.m. — Caleb Hawley breaks it down with “Hallelujah, I Love Her So” and Steven Tyler is so moved, he joins in. Oh yeah, he’s gonna be a fun judge. Caleb is through unanimously.
8:22 p.m. — The first 15-year-old is Kenzie Palmer with
“Kiss Me Like You Mean It” “Young and Beautiful” (our apologies to Ms. Underwood). She’s very good and for a musical theatre student, she manages to keep the Broadway sound under control. Tyler says he loves the sound, but he didn’t feel the pizazz. Randy agrees, but they put her through.
8:24 p.m. — There is a Golden Ticket Montage full of excited, good-looking people.
8:25 p.m. — Now we have Achille Lovle from the Ivory Coast with “Dress You Up,” as imagined by “Cabaret.” Yikes.
8:28 p.m. — Somewhere, the window-squeegier’s mom is very excited to see her baby on TV.
8:32 p.m. — There is a “Jersey” montage and it’s … god. Which
leads us into Tiffany Rios, a girl with silver stars on her boobs and
much pride in her bootay. She’s so overcome by meeting J.Lo she starts
crying. Oh sweetie. J.Lo gives her a hug, while Steven Tyler teases
Randy about looking at the girl’s butt.
8:35 p.m. —
Tiffany’s song is an original about how much they need to put her
through to the next round and it includes playing her boob stars like
triangles. You know, she can actually sing, but we don’t like the
pandering. Her second go-round with “I’m Your Lady” and it’s liiiittle ambitious, but pretty good.
8:40 p.m. — A Bad Singing Montage informs us that Steven Tyler has no problem saying, “no,” but J.Lo is more of an Ado Annie. That’s fine, she’s still better than Paula.
8:42 p.m. — 16-year-old Robbie Rosen was wheelchair-bound as a kid and sings “Yesterday.” Oooh, nice. Got kind of a Justin Timberlake vibe to his voice. The judges love him and yes, it was very good.
8:47 p.m. — We are very glad this episode has mostly focused on the good singers. We got a little tired of watching mentally-ill adults get made fun of by a mean British man.
8:50 p.m. — We totally get the Steven Tyler love. He’s kinda reptilian, but there is just something about him. Rowr. But we could really do without watching him hit on the girls younger than his daughter. The use of “Rag Doll,” though, is wonderful.
8:52 p.m. — Chris Cordeiro is an Eagle Scout who made a PSA about texting while driving for his final project. Ooookay. We applaud the message, but, yeah. Is this another Clay Aiken? A soul singer disguised as a nerd?
8:53 p.m. — Nope.
9:00 p.m. — Michael Perotto is a nervous burper, which he then demonstrates. Gross, dude. And Mary is not proud of your “Proud Mary” at all, Kermit.
9:02 p.m. — So his next call is “I’m Here” from “The Color Purple,” which is a weird call for a nerdy white guy. Steven Tyler drops some “Cool Hand Luke” knowledge on us and goes up 3 notches on our cool scale (and he was already pretty high up).
9:04 p.m. — Ashley Sullivan, who looks like if Tilda Swinton and Toni Collette mated, is obsessed with Britney Spears (who is not your Sagitarrian sister anymore, don’t you read the news?). She has two strikes against her because of the “Brit-Brit” love.
9:06 p.m. — Ashley kills (in both a good way and bad way) “Gimme Gimme” from “Thoroughly Modern Millie,” and she wants to be the first “show tune pop star.” Oh sweetie, you should be trying out for “Glee.” When they are waffling on Ashley, she dances and begs and cries and finally they put her through. Randy wants to say no, but J.Lo and Steven are swayed.
9:11 p.m. — A North Carolian Victoria Huggins is an adorable doe-eyed 16-year-old moppet who wants this very badly and thinks Ryan Seacrest “likes” her. We will … leave that be. This girl is like Katie Stevens meets Kellie Pickler. Yikes.
9:13 p.m. — She sings “Midnight Train to Georgia” and it’s a little shouty. The reason Gladys Knight is so good on it is because she’s softly powerful, not blowing the doors off. And this girl can’t touch the “House” guys.
9:15 p.m. — Steven Tyler says something kiiinda salacious to her and Randy loses his mind with laughter. Then she “yo, yo dawg”s him and Randy can’t help but put her through. We foresee so many “What’s a ‘ballsy?'” moments in our future this season.
9:17 p.m. — The plinky-plunky strains of war play as Melinda Ademi and her parents talk about being war refugees from Kosovo. We are making fun the show, mind you, not these people. But this show and the sad stories are too much.
9:18 p.m. — Melinda sings “If I Ain’t Got You” and it’s very good. The judges love her, she’s through.
9:24 p.m. — Devyn Rush is a singing waitress at a diner in Times Square and she sings “God Bless the Child” for her audition. It’s good but a little overdone for our taste. The judges put her through unanimously, despite worrying about her image. Uh, she didn’t look that bad.
9:27 p.m. — Hey, it’s Wee Man singing “Hey There Delilah.”
9:35 p.m. — Yoji “pop” Asano is a Michael Jackson imitator from Japan, but he sings “Party in the U.S.A.” It’s pretty terrifying, but leads into a montage of people singing it. Uh, yeah. Party.
9:42 p.m. — Bad Singer Montage where the judges look for anything nice to say and Steven devolves into begging someone to be the next Idol.
9:44 p.m. — We meet Brielle Von Hugel, whose dad is Bill Von Hugel and was a member of a doo-wop group. He had throat cancer and she dedicates her audition to him (though he is not dead, just to be clear).
9:45 p.m. — She sings “Endless Love,” which will always be the song friends listen to in the dark, for us. (What up, Julie Bowen?). Anyway, it’s good. A little shouty at parts, but solid. The judges think she has potential, but has some work to do. They put her through.
9:52 p.m. — Travis Orlando has a brother named Timmy and they group up in a tough neighborhood in the Bronx, lived in a shelter, had a sick dad. He reminds us of Paul from the movie version of “A Chorus Line.”
9:55 p.m. — He sings “Eleanor Rigby,” which is our favorite Beatles song. It is also very difficult. He does a weird arrangement, but we kinda dig it. The judges want to hear something else and he does “I’m Yours.” He’s very commercial, very marketable for today’s music. He is through unanimously.
Thanks for joining our live blog! We will be here every week — not live blogging, but doing recaps, so come hear the critiques, criticism and cracks.