Yay, Mark Zuckerberg showed up! We had our fingers crossed that Zuck would show up to interrupt slash sabotage Jesse Eisenberg‘s “Saturday Night Live” hosting gig, and it turned out that the rumors were true. So that said, let’s just apologize in advance for the sheer number of times the word “awkward” is going to be used in tonight’s “Saturday Night Live” recap, shall we?
Eisenberg proved himself to be a more than capable host, though we were sort of hoping he’d take on a Michael Cera impression… seeing as he’s essentially stolen the kid’s career. All in all, though, Eisenberg will definitely go down as one of this year’s most successful hosts. Yes, he’s awkward – but he works his awkwardness like a pro. An Oscar-nominated pro.
We’ve noted some of the show’s highlights below – and, sorry spa lady, but we’re choosing to ignore the boring parts. We’ll replace the placeholder photos with videos as they become available.
Cold Open: Michelle Bachmann Tries Again
After the State of the Union address on Tuesday night, our Twitter timeline exploded with “Well, Michelle Bachmann sure gave SNL some easy material.” No surprise that they used her epic fail as the cold open, with Kristen Wiig as Bachmann in another technology-flubbed address. Her charts were turned away from the screen, or drawn in white, and when she went to show a clip of President Obama’s address… an old recorded episode of “Xena: Warrior Princess” played instead. “We’re doing some belt-tightening of our own. For example, this presentation you just saw was done on a reduced budget. I’m not kidding.”
Zuckerberg, Eisenberg. Eisenberg, Zuckerberg.
Aaaand here’s Jesse Eisenberg in all his awkward glory! He’s like ’50s George McFly before Marty teaches him to be cool.
He kicks off the monologue by playing against type. “I’ve played guys who are kind of shy and unassuming, and as you’ll see tonight, I’m really cocky,” he says. “I just own it.” We particularly like when he referred to himself as a freight train of confidence. “One thing I am an expert in is women. I know a lot about the ladies. Like I know that every 28 days that females will shed their uterine lining. That would be a thing, like if I were out on a date with a lady, she wouldn’t need to explain that to me, because I am so cocky, and I can’t wait for the Oscars.” Where, by the way, he plans to steal Jack Nicholson’s seat. “Sorry Jack! Heeeeere’s Jesse!”
When Jesse admitted (to our shock and awe) that he was misrepresenting himself, Andy Samberg as Mark Zuckerberg popped out of the wings. “Misrepresenting people is something you have a lot of practice with,” he says.
Cut to the real Mark Zuckerberg hanging out backstage with Lorne Michaels. You know a minute ago when we said Eisenberg was awkward? We didn’t know awkward a minute ago. Let’s just say it’s a good thing Zuckerberg is a bazillionaire and will always be able to use money as a social lubricant. There’s also that built in “I invented poking!” bad pickup line.
Finally, Zuck came onstage – “Have you two not met?” Samberg asked. “Awkward! Samberg out.”
Commercial: Once Daily Estro-Maxx
Oh hey, your requisite offensive fake commercial! This time, it’s an ad for a once-a-day pill for the pre-op transgendered person on the go. “I’m the head of a major corporation. I can’t spend all day increasing market share and turning my penis into a functional vagina.”
A Classic Episode of Mr. Wizard
An episode of the ’80s learning-is-cool show in which Mr. Wizard uses balloons to teach kids that “when we rub up against something, those tiny electrons move.” It was actually quite funny – Eisenberg played one of the kids, who discovers with a girl that he kind of likes rubbing things (while remaining awkward). Yeah. They were rubbing each other on the bathing-suit-area. “Science is fun! I want to do science in the shower!”
Don’t Forget the Lyrics with Mark McGrath
“As always our audience has been force-fed Mountain Dew and Diet Pills since 4 o’clock this morning and they’re ready to rock n roll,” says Jason Sudeikis as Mark McGrath. Yeah, from Sugar Ray. Eisenberg plays Kenny, a contestant who “was just fired from Dominos for reasons of hygiene” and who has one extra testicle. In case you were wondering.
Sticking with what he’s good at, Eisenberg’s character was very nervous. McGrath understood his pain. “This is VH1, it’s 2 in the afternoon, it’s all happening.”
Herb Welch reports on a campus drug bust
The best thing you can hope for on SNL these days is Justin Timberlake. The second best thing is one of the cast members breaking character. This skit had the second best thing, as Bill Hader broke his ancient reporter character Herb Welch. Best line? “I’m not gonna take reporter lessons from a can of hairspray.”
Digital Short: The Creep
Jon Waters made a cameo in this Lonely Island music video for “The Creep,” a song about a new creepy dance craze clearly inspired by Waters’ signature creepy suit and creepy moustache. Nicki Minaj even jumped in to do a verse as a female creep: “Get your knees flexin’, and your arms t-rexin’ — do the creep.”
Nicki Minaj performs “Right Through Me”
Weekend Update Highlights
On Egypt’s Day of Rage: “It’s sort of like what we have here every time the McRib goes away again”
On the State of the Union – “America’s annual opportunity to half-heartedly applaud the idea of solar panels.”
On the Comcast/NBC Universal merger: “I have to say, things are better already. Seriously. I have to say that.”
On Charlie Sheen’s – “It was a smart move keeping the cocaine in a briefcase, because if anybody saw him, they’d think, there goes Charlie Sheen with some paperwork.”
On a Superbowl sans cheerleaders – “No word yet on how players from either team will remember to ‘Go!'”
On a new study of elderly drivers – “They don’t focus enough on the moving objects in the foreground, and instead focus on interracial couples on the sidewalk.”
The Bride of Blackenstein
In a ’70’s blacksploitation horror spoof, Keenan plays the Frankenstein monster… and Nicki Minaj plays his bride, with Eisenberg as Igor. “Yes, she’s beautiful master, and I’m sure the swelling in her backside will go down soon. So that’s why you had me fill those 2 basketballs with jell-o.” Aside from a couple near-flubs, Minaj was actually hilarious as the most stereotypical black TV-wife on the planet. “I know you can talk, and the first words outta your mouth better be ‘I’m getting a J-O-B.”
Product placement on “Skins”
Samberg plays the head of programming at MTV, addressing the controversy around “Skins” and the resulting loss of sponsors like Foot Locker, Subway, Wrigley, and L’Oreal (French Oreos). “Some people are upset or whatever because we showed a bunch of fourth graders having sex and doing heroin or whatever.”
The solution? Product placement, like the one for a local fried chicken joint that they showed in the following promo clip. “Twelve hot pieces of chicken, a steamy biscuit, and some slutty mashed potatoes.” “Only 9 bucks? That leaves plenty of money to buy cocaine!”
Nicki Minaj performs “Moment For Life”… still in her Bride of Blackenstein wig.
El Shrinko Advertisement
In which Arthur Perkins (Samberg) and his friend Randy (Eisenberg) explain that their penises were so enormous, they were forced to take El Shrinko to make things more comfortable for the ladies. “It’s the first scientific pill that can shrink your penis because it’s too big.” It comes in a discreet 18-inch bottle, so that if people accidentally see it sitting on your coffee table, you an explain that your “wiener” as Arthur and Randy put it, used to be WAY bigger.
Best part of the show? Mark Zuckerberg’s hilariously enormous grin during the goodbyes. Someone make a .gif of this please, for when the Vandermemes get old.