Why are we opening the show with Michelle? She’s got a black eye? What does she mean, “Only this could be happening to me”? Over breakfast she asks the other bachelorettes who kicked her ass while she was sleeping. Everyone’s a suspect! She thinks the black eye means that she deserves a one-on-one date with Brad. Exactly what the logic behind that is, she does not explain.
Anyway, the first date card arrives, and it reads: “Chantal — How deep is your love? Brad.” She’s not the Shawntel who’s a funeral director, she’s the Chantal with the huge rack. Brad shows up to say hello to everyone, and Michelle instantly tries to monopolize the conversation by sulking about her black eye. As usual, Brad really doesn’t know how to react when a womanfolk opens up to him. In fairness to Brad, who has ever just woken up with a black eye? Ashley S. says she wishes she had given Michelle the black eye. “I want to rip her head off,” she tells us. Ashley pulls into the “I like her best!” lead.
Then a helicopter arrives, and all the women freak out, and Chantal is all, “I’m going on an amazing date with an amazing guy!” and is super impressed by the helicopter, even though it usually happens a couple of times per season, and it’s not like it’s Brad’s own helicopter or anything.