Each new year brings with it the anticipation that we might finally be visited by extraterrestrials. And now seems like as good a time as ever to prepare for the possibility that our newfound friends might actually just want to eat us or use us as forced labor. (It’s true.) To see how this might turn out, tune into V, airing Tuesdays on ABC. At first we’ll be dazzled by their technology and stylish haircuts, but before long their true colors (green) will be revealed, and we’ll have to hope the fact that the kid waiting tables at the local cafe who never washes his hands might be a blessing in disguise. (You know, germs.) So if you’re an earthling and feel like cuddling, call your friends because we’re throwing a V party!
Setting the scene:
Your living room is the mother ship! How, you ask? With a great deal of labor on your part. First, you’ll need to get your hands on 15-20 huge sheets of frosted Plexiglas, then mount them approximately 20 inches out from the walls (at an angle, closer at the top). Next, have pot lights or fluorescent lights mounted behind the frosted glass to illuminate it from behind. Have high-gloss black plastic sheeting covering the entire floor. Paint the blue double ovals in blue black-light paint and add black lights overhead. Trust us, Anna will love it (until she realizes we tricked her, and then she’ll eat someone’s baby.) Bend sheets of the Plexiglas into arches leading from your front door into the main party area and light those as well – so that it seems as if you’re walking through a cool spacecraft tunnel. In one corner, have a dozen or so dark-green balloons in a group to simulate Visitor babies.
Tell guests to wear any color they like – as long as it is dark gray. Guests who lean more toward the Resistance might prefer to stay in the brown tones.
On the menu:
We’re turning the tables and serving lizard all evening! Yum! Start with appetizers of frogs’ legs (yes herpetologists, we know – they’re amphibians!), then add turtle soup and rattlesnake kebabs, and finish with alligator tail! Mmmm, tastes like Anna.
On the hi-fi:
Subterranean Homesick Alien by Radiohead, Aliens Exist by Blink-182, Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys, Starman by David Bowie, It Came out of the Sky by Creedence Clearwater Revival and I’ve Seen the Saucers by Elton John.
In order to properly freak out your neighbors and have at least one local news channel reporting on a UFO in your area, get your hands on 15 to 20 large weather balloons, spray-paint them silver and tie them off with rope so that they are floating 200 feet above your house. Then be sure to have spotlights on the ground aiming up at them so that they can be seen by all.