Charlie Sheen continues his frenzied media blitz, the world continues to watch with a backwards sense of schadenfreude. Should we laugh? Should we cry? Is it logical to feel sorry for a man who is richer than God, who surrounds himself with porn stars, and who refers to himself regularly as a rockstar?
Perhaps the most shocking thing about Sheen’s current condition is that he is allegedly sober. He took a home drug test on Saturday that came back clean for drugs… and yet, the rants haven’t gone anywhere.
Sheen did a live interview with TMZ on Monday morning, shortly after news broke that he’d been banned from the Warner Bros. studio lot. (He’s not even allowed to make a U-turn at the gate.)
“Was I gonna show up with cameras and actors and be like, I can do this on my own?” he scoffs. “Well, I could. A different show. I’m just looking for some answers.”
The answers he’s seeking can only come from “Two and a Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre, who has been the subject of several tirades from Sheen since production was shut down — at first temporarily, and then for the duration of the season.
“Chuck hasn’t even had the decency to call me,” Sheen says. “Explain yourself, why you’re making these rash dictatorial decisions without conferring with your star.” He says he does intend to return to the show, after some salary changes and contract tweaks.
“A couple adjustments, that’s all. I’m a man of my word. I got prepared, then they were unprepared. I’m like, what’s up, hypocrites. I get criticized publicly on these stupid vanity cards for 8 years, I fire back once, and they’re like ‘We’re done.’ I thought you guys were tougher than that. I thought you had a little more salt in your soul than that.”
Sheen says that if he were the showrunner, he’d treat his actors better. “If I’m running the show and he’s my star, he walks into tiny sandwiches and massage chairs because I want my man comfortable. I don’t care what he does on the weekends.”
He references Aaron Sorkin’s drama “The West Wing,” which his father Martin Sheen starred on for seven seasons. Sorkin left the show after four seasons due to contracts with Warner Bros Television. “Aaron Sorkin, anyone? Dude just won an Oscar last night,” Sheen says. “They got in my man’s grill and they messed up his blend and the ink in his pen ran out. The show, my dad will even admit this, drifted into the rose garden and wilted after that.”
When it comes down to it, Sheen thinks Warner Bros. shouldn’t be surprised by the way he’s chosen to conduct himself. They gave him an exorbitant salary, knowing his history of drug use and partying. “Blame the studio for giving me this much dough, knowing who they were giving it to.”
Sheen was accompanied by a porn star, who he referred to simply as “Goddess.” He says he’s currently keeping company with two “goddesses.” The Goddess stopped the interview at one point. “Does the goddess want something?” asked the TMZ reporter.
“A hug,” she said.
“Because I’m telling the truth and you love me?” Sheen asked, getting up to embrace her, cigarette dangling from his lips.
What about Sheen’s children? His daughters Sam and Lola have been staying with mom Denise Richards. His sons with ex-wife Brooke Mueller were inside his house while he conducted the interview in the back yard. Sheen didn’t want to discuss Mueller’s personal problems – “If she was sitting here, we could talk about it, but I don’t roll people like that” – but he did say that he currently has custody of Max and Bob. “They’re right in there somewhere. Everybody here is parenting the kids. The kids are here and that’s all that matters. They’re running into walls, but they’re screaming Dada while they’re doing it.””
He points to one of their toys, a Winnie-the-Pooh honeypot on a ledge.
“Clearly I have no influence. I’m just a disposable hired gun… that created this entire institution known as ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Chuck supported it. I think he burned out before I did. I’m ready to go, and i have been for a while. I demand that these questions be answered, because until they are, we’re just sitting there like Winnie the Pooh over there. That’s how I feel. I am that happy. Look at that smile on his perfect face.”