Full disclosure: I’ve never watched an episode of “Law &
Order” in my entire life. Not one. And frankly I never had any plans to. That is
until… John Stamos guest-starred! That’s right — there’s no way your resident
expert on all things Stamos, aka me, the other Stamos, was going to miss one of
Uncle Jesse’s primetime TV appearances. And what an appearance it was! Due to
the graphic nature of the episode (is “Law & Order: SVU” always this
twisted?) this isn’t going to be a “Stamos on Stamos” on par with the reviews
of John as Dr. Carl on “Glee,” but let’s take a look at how he fared showing his
The episode was pretty Stamos-heavy, and from the get-go the
former Uncle Jesse showed his sleazy side as a “reproductive abuser” — a guy
who’s obsessed with impregnating women (blech!). As rich guy Ken Turner, Stamos
excelled at simultaneously playing dumb and playing creep. It was fun
to see Stamos in this sort of role, as a Wall Street smooth-talker who relies
on his charm to coerce women into sleeping with him, and thanks to some shady
business of poking holes in condoms he impregnates more than a few. At first
Detectives Elliot Stabler (Chris Meloni) and Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay)
thought it was about 20 women who’d given birth to his children and then it was
revealed the number was more than twice that — 47! This dude fathered 47 kids!
Yeah that qualifies as a reproductive abuser alright — and also — that’s messed
up! I miss Uncle Jesse!
Stamos showcased some great acting, especially during an
interrogation scene with Chris Meloni when he talked about his natural male
urge to procreate. Ken Turner was definitely sick in the head, thinking he made
the world a better place with his progeny. During this exchange we got one of
Stamos’ best lines, “I’m an Aztec leader of 4000 concubines.” In your dreams,
Fortunately, creepy Ken didn’t last long — because about 45 minutes in (SPOILER
ALERT!) Stamos’ character showed up dead, filleted like a fish by a scuba
diving knife. The ending was really something, so much so that John Stamos
himself tweeted a picture of the final scene this morning.
Let’s see if we can apply John’s “L&O: SVU” appearance to the Stam-O-s-Meter
(patent permanently pending):
Perfectly coiffed as always … although, on further inspection, it’s almost too
perfectly coiffed. Maybe that was a sign? Now, I don’t know a lot about how
this show works, but that fresh ‘do sure screams creepy baby-maker to me!
At this point I’ve grown so accustomed to his casual cool on “Glee” or the
iconic style he defined as Uncle Jesse, so seeing him dressed as Ken Turner was
a surprise. But once again, Stamos rocked every look with ease — even those
weird nerd-hipster glasses he sported to better poke the hole in the condom
(again — blech!)
“My boyfriend was here. But he would never take the baby! He’s a rich guy — he’s a high class man as you would say.” Okay, fine it wasn’t Stamos who
uttered that line and rather the baby’s nanny Imelda, but it’s a pretty hilarious
descriptor of someone “rich and therefore unlikely to steal
babies.” Ken Turner unfortunately did not feel the same way about the
nanny, tossing her aside with “Imelda is there for great sex — she’s not
really nanny material.” Then of
course there’s the Aztec line referenced above — so all in all this episode was
jam-packed with one-liners for Stamos, but mostly because he was playing one
bigtime creep who had a lot of creepy stuff to say.
Uh. Yeah. This “Law & Order” show is definitely not “Glee.”
John Stamos played a
creepy jerk who coerced women into getting pregnant and then ended up dead
(good riddance!) — and while this certainly was not how we’re accustomed to
seeing the man grace our TV screens, he dove into the role and really sold it —
so I think we’ll have to reward him with a final tally of Epic Stamos.
What did you guys
think? Did you like seeing John Stamos take on a different role or would you
prefer to see him in lighter fare? Anyone still holding out for a Dr. Carl
reappearance on Glee? And now that he’s completed what seems to be this television
season’s run of guest-starring roles, what do you want to see next from Stamos?
Personally, I’d love to see him competing in some sort of reality competition
show — maybe one where he and another Stamos
travel the country and compete in bizarre local competitions to constantly
outcool each other — think “Stamos vs. Stamos: Road Trip America!” That
sounds epic, right? Right? Just me?